Monday, December 31, 2012

2012: A year of changes

      This year has felt so quick and swift that I can't believe tomorrow is the beginning of a new year which I can only see as being as great, if not greater, than this past year.

     This year has been filled with a major life change where I was able to marry the man of my dreams and the light in my life in the LDS Timpanogos Temple. I was able to make covenants with my Lord and my husband that will be kept throughout this life and eternity.   

I started my new major of Elementary Education, worked and received a 3.9 GPA, the first in my life! I can't believe how hard I worked and how much of that work paid off. I have come to know that I do like to teach, I love to be around children, and I have finally found the path of education that I am needing to be on.

     I have to say that getting married has changed the way I now look at life. I love having someone who is rooting for me, who will cuddle with me, who always has the best interests for me, and loves me no matter what I do. If I make a mistake he hugs me while I cry. If I am stressed out while studying for psychology he will coax me to come into the kitchen and eat a piece of Thanksgiving pumpkin pie with half a bottle of whipping cream on top.

I can't wait to continue the path that Matt and I have begun to build as husband and wife. 2012 was fantastic, 2013 even better with more new exciting changes and moments that will continue to shape who we are.   

I have changed as a person over this last year. I have become more confident and sure of myself, while continuing to keep the simple and kind demeanor that I have been blessed to have. I have become harder working and a better student, more organized and on top of things now that the classes seem to matter more to me.
 I have seen my mom become more confident, move on from past memories holding her back. I have seen my father make a major move down to Florida. I have seen my friends break past barriers that they were scared to even think about.
I have lost friends and gained many more. I have learned what attributes I would like to work on and those attributes that I would rather leave in the past.

All in all. Great year. I love my life. I love my husband and I'm genuinely excited for 2013.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Mash-ups

I love music. I love all types of music. I especially love it when someone puts together a mash-up of two songs that I adore...what's even better than that? A mash-up of my guilty pleasure, the top pop songs of the year.
I have found this DJ who makes one every year and they always turn out to highlight the top 50 of the year with the most popular finding their way into the music video more often than others. I think he does a great job.
I have come to find though that through the these last 3-4 years of listening to his mash-ups that pop follows each other in their subject matter. The most recent one pertaining to "night time" or "things that can or do happen at night" (like dreaming)

For your listening pleasure:
2012 Mash-up 
"Night time or dreaming" 

2011 Mash-up
A ton of "boom, boom, boom's" and "dancing"
2:20 gives me chills with Adele!

2010 Mash-up
"partying" 

2009 Mash-up 
This one will always be the best! I still have it on my I-pod!
"blame it on the pop!"

Can't believe we survived "the end of the world" and are headed into 2013.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

A family's fruitcake

The Call's have this fruitcake recipe...
Which makes 17 pounds of trukish delight equivalent/fruit cake but dense enough to be a fruit cake-cake...
We bought the ingredients :
67 Dollars worth of Pecan Halves
16 Dollars worth of candied cherries, raisins, and candied Pineapple 
A whole bag of flour
A whole dozen eggs

We'll embark on this little adventure Wednesday....
17 pounds of talked about treat...
Hasn't been made in over a decade...
Bring. It. On. 

Here's our receipt 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Studying all day

Studying is always better when there are three things:
Hot Chocolate
Pandora Christmas Music
and
Getting things done :) 



Sunday, December 2, 2012

Psychology and I

Here I am trying to consolidate all that I have learned from my psychology class into a massive page of study material...I'm trying to be a good student.
 I'm trying to get ahead of the game so I'm not gasping for air in a week and a half when I have to take this comprehensive exam.
It's hard though. 
I read the chapters.
I did the homework she assigned.
I have done all she asked me to do and it still isn't sticking and frankly it has me worried.
I try my best to find methods of study but nothing ever seems to work. 
I continually study my butt off for a week, head into the testing center with my head and hopes high, and come out with a test score lower than the last. 
I am horrible at taking tests. 
Yes, to toot my own horn: I am good at homework. 
Give me hours upon hours of homework: No problem.
Give me a test and I start to perspire as soon as I hear those dirty words. 
"There will be a comprehensive end of semester test and will cover everything from A to Z about all the theorists that have ever lived, their theories, how you apply them to the classroom, plus the age of dinosaurs and the applications the theories have to how the dinosaurs became extinct..." and on and on and on.
....
Anyway enough of this whining blogging. 
I'm wasting precious time proving this blog post wrong. 
I will and shall pass this exam and get a passing grade in this class.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Our First "Bountiful Basket"

Ever since Matt and I got married in April I have heard about this cooperative veggie/fruit organization that makes it incredibly simply and inexpensive to get a nice amount of fruit and vegetables for a low price of only 15 dollars. I never hunkered down and signed up for until this week, when a friend of mine in "A Christmas Carol" (playing Dec 1-Dec 22 at the Hale Center Theater Orem. Matt and I are in the Monday, Wednesday, Friday cast)  enticed me to sign up. So I did. 
Here's how it turned out!! For 15 dollars I got all of this: 

Do you see that little purple carrot!?!?! 
What the heck is  persimmon?
Papaya? Isn't that exotic?

I'm so excited for the new possibilities this opens Matt and I's taste buds to! 
I'll be sure to post recipes that work with the new stash I have acquired at 7 in the morning on a Saturday! 
Happy Food!

Friday, November 30, 2012

God and I

     Over this past semester I have had a horrible relationship with my Heavenly Father. It isn't anything that he has done, it is the things that I haven't been doing.
I haven't been reading my scriptures.
I haven't been paying attention in institute.
I haven't been going to the temple.
I haven't been feeling the spirit in church.
I haven't been doing my visiting teaching.
I haven't been praying.
     ...and this morning I had the surprising thought of, "I don't really need the church, there are plenty of people who live in the world without the gospel and they are fine, happy even..."
I went about my morning, attending my three hour psychology class and wondering if I'd be able to see my dear cousin Ashleigh after class. Sometimes we have the opportunity to walk to the institute together and then we part ways, she heads to institute and I head home before work or just to do homework. It turns out today that she was standing out in the hall and was waiting for me which made me incredibly happy seeing as I haven't been able to see her in what feels like eons.
     Every Friday the institute has a speaker come and speak for a devotional, I usually don't attend. Today Ashleigh suggested that I come with her because I had met the woman who was speaking a few months earlier on a bible walk (13.1 miles) I hesitated for a moment, thinking about the homework I needed to get done but pushed the thought aside and after a free snack/lunch from Ashleigh we headed to the institute to find a seat in the chapel.
     Kris Belcher was the woman speaking who I had met on the walk many months ago. She was blind from cancer in her eyes which had come and gone twice in her life. Before I tell more about what I learned from her talk I want to take moment to explain what happened in the opening song.
     There are two choirs at the institute, LDC which I sang in for awhile which is auditioned choir and then the other being a non-audition choir for anyone and everyone who would like to sing. The Non-auditioned choir sang a beautiful song which I actually had the opportunity to sing in my High School Chamber choir, which has a special place in my heart. It talks all about Christ and the First Noel (which in fact means, "The first Christmas") Some of the lyrics are:

"If this Child were born today,
In a manger on the hay
Would we see a king would we hear angels sing.
If the star were shining bright 
Would we notice in the night
We would be the ones to see the Savior come."

     As they were singing I felt a familiar but recently unfamiliar feeling a warm rush as though a loving embrace were enveloping my whole body. I couldn't help but sing along and let the rushing which emulated from my heart pass through my whole body creating a warm and joyous feeling. I realized in that moment that I missed it. I missed feeling the spirit so strongly and so powerfully through the power of music. I used to feel it all the time while I was singing in LDC, but since then I haven't given myself the chance to feel it....I tend to cry profusely when I feel the spirit brought on by song.   
I sat there after the song and just zoned out into my own thoughts. I felt my heart send a prayer up to God in that moment to forgive me for being so negligent in the reading of my scriptures and praying and talking with him. I felt like a child, a small child who had forgotten how much her parents really loved her.
    Sister Belcher's talk was humorous and lighthearted but also incredibly uplifting and revelation packed. She spoke about how she had become blind  being born with tumors behind her eyes which needed be removed. Her parents, following the spirit eventually got her to a doctor that wouldn't remove her eyes but give radiation to them. Over the years as she grew she had incredible eye sight until one day when another tumor started to grow and made it so she lost vision in her left eye. Later in life another tumor appeared which was so big that they had to disconnect her optic nerve. She was then completely in darkness and had to function in life differently. She spoke of how trials make life worth living, they give us the opportunity to be refined, to be polished and bring us closer to Christ. 
    If you know me well this will not come as a surprise, I love quotes. If I could slather my whole home with them I would but then the ones that meant the most wouldn't be able to stand out. Although I did write down a few quotes from her talk that stuck out to me:

"We are made the way we are so that the works of God can be made manifest in us."

"It takes more faith to live through the problem, then to have it taken away."

"Heavenly Father, let me know thy will and give me the courage to live it."

"I can laugh, laughter is a miracle and sometimes you need to laugh to not cry"

"If you want a better you can believe in God and hope for one..."

     One of her closing remarks really struck me hard especially considering how I been feeling spiritually as of late. "Seeing is a want, not a need" First reaction, wait what? "Seeing is a want...not a need" I sat there thinking about that not hearing the next sentences she was saying as I continued to ponder what she had just said. A thought then struck me, "Jesus Christ is real, you may want to see him but you don't need to, to know that he is there, alive, and aware of you." 
Oh. My. Goodness. God is real. He is there even if I don't take the time to let him know, that I KNOW he exists. 
     God and I we've had an interesting relationship. He has always been there through everything in my life. There were times in my life that I never thought I could be who I knew I was capable of being. God and I, are family. He is my Father in Heaven. He is. Jesus Christ is my brother. He is. God is real. God is there. 

"We do not need to see the light to know it exists."

I know now that the thought that I had received earlier that was day was a bunch of hog-wash. I will always need this gospel in my life. I couldn't be and will as happy without as I am with it. It completes everything that I need and breathe. 
This gospel is my life.
It is my lifestyle. 
It is so true guys.
If don't know it yourself or have had a thought about seeking more information about the LDS/Mormon church than do it. It will change your life forever. 
It will make into something you never thought you could experience. 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

A little bit sappy, A little bit busy

I'll be honest, I have been SO busy.
I'm a lover of feet pictures...I think I might print this one.
     Right now I am taking 16 credits in school, having to write a complete synopsis of what happened in a three week classroom teaching experience, apply it to psychology terms and writing many pointless papers about the history of education and getting a point or two docked off my papers just because the professor doesn't want to hand out an "A". I work hard in my classes and the professor(s) decide to not give every detail they need for projects, dock unnecessary points, or just want to screw us over...then again they have been incredibly helpful, open to questions and interested in us doing well. They really do want us to succeed in this program instead of fail. They want us to be incredible teachers and even though I don't feel I will be adequately prepared for my own classroom in less than a year and a half like one of my professors said, "You will fail, but you learn. You will cry, a lot. If not every day in the comfort of your home, you will cry in your classroom, to your spouse, or in your car on the way home." I'm a crier...I'm ready for this.
     I am working 20-30 hours a week at a job that I would call anything but my dream job. Most nights there really is nothing to do and sometimes the people I work with get on my nerves...but isn't that true with anyone that you spend too much time with?
     On that note, I was field partners (in the classroom experience for three weeks) with one of my best friends and it was a great time until we spent WAY too much time together. It was as if I didn't want to cooperate and I didn't want to collaborate on anything with her. I was so fed up with her taking over parts of the lesson plan that was mine, and telling me that I wasn't being forceful enough, and all in all a bad teacher. When I reflect back on it now we were both exhausted, both a bit hyped up on "I need to do well in this classroom and it's hard sharing the "stage" as a teacher" plus we just spent too much time together. When my friend and I were younger we would have week long sleepovers and by the end of the week we literally loathed each other and basically stopped talking to each other for a week just to have some air space away from each other. I think that happened this time in field. We love each other, but we just spent too much time together and therefore got sick of each other. I think it is good she is taking a nice vacation in D.C. for the weekend and I am here in Utah. I think I will like her along with continuing to love her more when she gets back and we've had sometime away from each other. I really do love and appreciate her as my friend and I would do anything for her at the drop of a hat. Just a saying, love her tons.
Am I the only one who has spent too much time with a best friend and then had to take some time away from them to blow off crazy girl steam and than everything was fine? 

This is my stage makeup...I love lipstick,
I'm not sure why I don't wear it more often.
    Matt and I are participating in the Hale Center Theater Orem's production of "A Christmas Carol" this December, we are both members of the mood setting Choir. He a tenor and I a Soprano. We had a first preview last night which went great beside me completely forgetting the words to the second verse of "Deck the Halls"...haha it's Deck. See. then Fast. (Those are the three verses in a form I hopefully won't forget) I don't know why but I keep psyching myself out and end up messing up the words even though I know that I know them. Blah. Matt and I have the. best. costumes. His is made up of some fancy red, blue, green, and black plaid pants with a beautiful blue jacket and black top hat (He was made for this era in time) which is accompanied well in my pink "cupcake" dress with adorning curls on either side of my face. I absolutely love my costume! I can't get over how much I love it. It makes me feel super pretty, feminine and dare I say, sexy? Haha, even people in Dickens time needed to feel that on occasion I'm sure.
    Like I said, "I am SO busy" Work, Show, School, Husband, ....haven't had time to clean the apartment...I hope that there isn't a smell that is starting to grow out of the pile of dishes left in the sink, the unattended toilet seat, and bathroom counter still covered in Halloween blood and makeup...
    If anyone wants to come clean my apartment I'll cook you dinner, or just hug you oober tight.
    No, I'm just kidding.

By the way here's the sappy part that the title lead onto:
I love my husband.
Did you see that one coming? Haha. 
But really, I'm serious. I truly head over heels love my husband and lately I have been kind of a whiny, crappy, sicky wife pants. I haven't been treating him as he deserves to be treated especially considering all he does for me. 
Stupid wife moment: The other day I discovered this horrible canker in my mouth...scratch that it was more of a crater in my mouth and it hurt so. bad. I was complaining about how bad it hurt but I wouldn't let Matt got to the store to get medicine for me because I'm a hard head and I think we don't have money (which we do, we actually are very well off in newly married terms). So here I am withering (over-dramatic) in pain at rehearsal and Matt says that after we finish that he was going to drive to Macey's to get some oralgel to put on it. We drove to Macey's and I sat in the car like a little child because I was "too tired" and "hurting too much" to get my butt off the car seat and walk into Macey's holding my husband's hand. He comes back a mere 10 minutes later and drives me home. I put some of the stuff on and head to bed but continue to whine about the pain insueing in my mouth. Matt offers to got get dissolvable bandaids for cankers and I gave in and let him go. I feel asleep while he was gone and when he returned he gently tried to wake me up. What did I do? I snapped at him. Here was the conversation that followed (I was a ....*****)
Matt: Hey Babe I have something that will help the canker
Me: Oh man Matt turn off the light and just turn on the lamp
(The lamp was on)
Matt: Babe the lamp is on, now you need to put this stuff on your canker, it will help
Me: *Groan*
Matt: Babe look here and see what I have.
Me: I'll put it on myself! *Grabs the Oralgel and slams the door after stomping into the bathroom*
Matt: ....*heads to bed*
Me: *Comes back to bed* I'm sorry Matt that was rude...I'm just tired...and I hurt... *Snore*
Matt: *Pats me on the back*
The sad thing? I don't remember anything from that night and I don't remember being that rude to him and I never want to coherently be that rude to him again. It was ridiculous and competely uncalled for, but if he hasn't left me seeing me like that I don't think he ever will. 

    He is amazing and I am so blessed to have him in my life...I think my next post will just be an "all about my husband post" why? I want to. I feel like I haven't written about how truly grateful I am for him in awhile. It's high time I do it more frequently and express it vocally. I love him and I never want him to feel that I don't, I don't know what I would do without him, ever. 

If read this all or even parts of this, props to you. Now go drink some hot chocolate or go buy a Cocoamotion at Walmart and a can of Mint Truffle Hot Chocolate and drink ALL OF IT! Ok, You don't have to. 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

You don't fail till you stop trying...

I read this workout blog and because I have no time write because of the mass mound of homework sitting next to me. I would like to pass on what she said about keeping your head above water and continuing to try.

"...Last night, I was speaking with a friend of mine last night and we were talking about working hard and how to live life the way you dream it…it was one of those inspirational life talks. You know what I mean right? I was saying something about how I felt like there was so much going on, how overwhelmed I was, and how I felt so spread thin that nothing was going anywhere. But he reminded me a few things:
#1. Everything’s just fine. Stop worrying, it’s a waste of your energy. Keep chugging along and choose happiness.
#2. Hard work pays off. That’s just how the universe works. 
#3. You don’t fail until you stop trying. 
The last one resonated with me like you wouldn’t believe. I shared it on twitter and FB right away. I had never really thought about failure and success in that way…
You are not a failure until you become a quitter.
People who are successful are persistent and resilient. I mean, seriously, if you keep trying, you will eventually get where you want to go! You will. You just can’t stop until you get there.
So guys, today the thought I wanna leave with you is this:
You may fall a million times but it’s how you get back up that makes you stronger!
Hope you can apply this to the way you choose to live life passionately. I believe in you and so should you. You’re beautiful, full of character, and unique. You can do ANYTHING..."
Check out her blog at: http://www.blogilates.com/feelings/you-cant-fail-until-you-stop-trying

I can finish this education homework.
I can finish cleaning my apartment.
I can get back into better shape.
I can get back into eating better and more healthy.
I can be accomplished and pass my classes.
 

Monday, November 26, 2012

I'm blogging from inside my bathroom

True that statement. I really am blogging from inside my bathroom. Why? It's the warmest part of the apartment, that's why.

Our Thanksgiving weekend was fantastic! Filled with fast road trips, chasing nieces and nephews, eating plenty of turkey among other things.

Here's our Turkey weekend Timeline:
We drove down to St. George at 5:30 in the morning. We arrived at 9:30am and spent the entire day with Matt's side of the family.  

 We took the nieces and nephews on the golf cart all around Ma and Pa Call's housing area.

I love him and his driving skills. 

We had a turkey feast at a local restaurant because my in-laws had recently (the day before) had gotten home from Italy and weren't in the mood for cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I don't blame them. 

The next few pictures are through the eyes of my cute nephew, Matthias. If you look in the picture above he is the one the left of me. 
Papa Call 

Uncle Matt 

Brother Adam 

 Papa and Mama Call

Crazy Aunt Brianna 

 Brother Sam

Little Madelyn 

Smiles all around

 More smiles.

After turkey dinner we played some Wii Mario Kart, played football, soccer, and talked for a few hours and then made our way home again, in the same day, back to Provo!

The next day...I clogged up our sink
 Matt tried to fix it...
But it turns out you shouldn't put a huge vat of soup down the disposal because it will clog the outgoing plumbing...I learn the hard way ok?

At "Christmas Carol"...
 Someone started a "Secret Satan" which will be passed around every rehearsal and performance throughout our cast. We were chosen first and given a lovely jar of homemade and bottled Applebutter, it was so good!
 Yay!!! Presents!!

Seeing as we didn't get a "homemade" trukey dinner or didn't have the chance to spend anytime with my mom. We invited her over for dinner and we came out with a spread that was to die for.
 With the help of the two lovlies in the picture below we had a feast prepared for a king! 
 Hmmmmmm....Turkey!!!!
 4 hours. One life game. 3 bottles of martinelli's later....
A glorious end to a fantastic thanksgiving weekend.
I hope all yours was just as great!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Days Off

I see days off from school and work as a time to get things done. Whether that be cleaning our cute apartment, to do doing the laundry, to baking something, to finishing writing 100 lessons plans, to...oh boy...just being domestic.

I love being a wife.. I love being in charge of our finances.. I love being able to get places without a car by using the transit system (I actually adore taking the bus..even though sometimes it can be a little late)

I loved my time in the elementary classroom and each time something went wrong or I flopped or wasn't good enough at classroom management this little voice in the back of my head would say, "Is this really what you want to do? Are you really happy right now? Do you want to work with snotty nose kids all day, everyday? Wouldn't you just be happy in a cubicle job for the rest of your life? (Nothing against cubicle jobs, they do great for certain people, help this economy and give people the opportunity to have comfortable lives in their they would like to spend their time) but the true answer to these questions is:

Yes, this is really what I want to do.

Yes, I am  happy because they are learning something. I may stumble over my words and not be quite as confident is a subject as I am in others, but who said it was bad that I learn somethings while I'm teaching them. I think as the years progress I will get better, much more eloquent, and be able to command a classroom, be their friend, mom, teacher, and confidant. It will just take time.

Yes, yes, yes, I want to work with kids everyday. Even if there are kids that will talk back. Even if there are kids that will swear at me. Even if there are kids who will not respect me initially. Even if there are kids who will disrupt my class everyday. Even if there are kids who don't have the best home lives. Even if there are kids who make me physically sick. Even if there are kids who always misplace their papers. Even if there are kids who never give you a hug, handshake, high 5, or even a smile.
Even in those kids there is love, hope, kindness, surprise, and wanting to do good. Ever child should have a chance to succeed. I want them to.

Truthfully, No. I would not be happy in a cubicle job. I need to be around kids .

So that was basically me talking to myself...
Yep.
Days off, Love them.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

I really am happy...teaching

     Last couple posts were just "I'm going to loathe for the day because I don't feel like I am good enough and I'm not talented enough and I'm never going to be good enough and I"m ....." K, I just ran out of things to say.
     A good night's sleep really does the trick in getting your mind back on track and your spirits back up to where they should be, especially at this time of year.
     So to resume my fallen behind thankfulness days I would like to write about the experience I have been able to have for the past three weeks or so.
I have been in an elementary school for the past three weeks
Teaching, failing, teaching, and learning
It has been a grand experience with ups and downs
Good and bad lesson plans
Time management and classroom management flops and successes
And a bunch of kids I will not soon forget.
I'm grateful for the opportunity to follow a prompting from the Holy Ghost to proceed into a program for a major I NEVER wanted to be in. 
I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what I am good at:
Being with the kids
Wanting to speak to them on their level
Teaching them what I know
I'm grateful for the hardships which presented themselves, because I'm better than before, I have more Joy, I'm willing to work harder and try my best even more frequently because I KNOW I am capable. 
There are definitely things I still need to work on before I'll be ready to be a full-time, "It's your show" teacher.
But I really do believe this is what will make me happy in my life
(along side being a mother, someday, of course)

Highlights to my three weeks in field:
Chaten
Diego 
Mrs. E
Soccer 
Playing dodge ball with the kids and having 4th grade rivalries with students in the other class
Learning about the Native Americans while I teach it
Early morning breakfast with Leah
Bus rides
Adapting to situations
Pretzels 
Drawings from the girls
The light in their eyes
Their faces when I showed them the digital story I made about "Harry Potter" 
How well some activities went
and most of all
Mrs. E willingness to help us in every way she could. 

This was an experience I needed. 
It has shown me that I like teaching.
I'm not perfect at it, nor am I good at it yet.
But I will be. 
Yes, I think I will be .

Friday, November 16, 2012

No Callbacks.

Meh.
It wouldn't have worked with the timing anyway...I'm already stretched thin as it is.
I'll just be in choirs, at least I'm good at that...right?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I'm my own worst enemy...

I want you to take a moment and think of a person with this description:
You see them daily
You curse their name frequently
You rarely compliment them
You always point out their faults
You are a bully to them
You have no respect for them
You constantly strive to raise them up but a passing comment from you brings them down
You see them as stupid
You see them as selfish
You see them as cowardice
You see them as not good enough...

Have you guessed it yet?
It's yourself.
It's me. 

I try out for things. 
I love to perform but I can never get past the auditions, to callbacks, on stage. "But you're in a show now.." some would say...well "I don't have any speaking parts do I? I can hide behind my beautiful voice can't I"
But I'll never be THAT character:
Belle...A Christmas Carol...Beauty and the Beast
Sally...You're a Good Man Charlie Brown
Kathy...Singing in the Rain
Dorothy
(I could live without Dorothy) 

I feel every time in my auditions that I'm kicking butt, I have a good voice, I have character...
But...
It's never enough.
I walked out of my audition tonight and suddenly started attacking myself.
Why?
I did my best.
I sang the loudest and most animated I could.
I went out there and literally...gave.my.all.
Will it amount to anything?
Probably not.
Because...
some other girl has worked with the directors before
some other girl has the "in" with the covey center
some other girl is thinner
some other girl has more expression
some other girl has had more experience 
some of other girl sounds like a child
some other girl is just.more.talented.

Yes, I am my own worst critic. 
Yes, I am talented.
Yes, I am so stinking hard on myself.
Yes, I live my life as if today were my last day and every microscopic thing that takes place during the day is life or death. 
Yes. I am my own worst enemy.

Completely irrelevant:
Tard Cat. Love. His. Face.


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Thanksgiving Blessings: The Earth

I take the bus every day to school.
I take the bus every day to work. 
I take the bus anywhere I want to.
I have a lot of time to read a book, listen to music, peruse pinterest and zone out.
When I'm not doing any of those things I catch myself looking endlessly into the bright sky.
It's hues cascading from blues to oranges, reds to purples in a matter of hours. 
It is absolutely magnificent the beauty that is portrayed. 
Do I take these majestic pieces of natural art for granted, you betcha. 
I wish I could find the time to watch the rainbow that dances across the sky in a day's time.
I think that if we all took a few moments out of our day and look up at the sky we would find something beautiful to behold, something that is almost connected at the hip with God.
It is his art, everyday. 
I'm grateful for the sunrises which send from bright gliding beams of orange and yellow on the pillow, inching up towards my face as through slowly but gently telling me it's time to get up.
I'm grateful for the beautiful pathways of leaves which fall and dance in the wind and the breeze of cars passing by. 
I'm grateful for the sun's rays beating down my back as I walk home or to work. I'm grateful for the sun kissed glow that the fall leaves possess and the crispness of the air.
It's revitalizing. 
I'm grateful for rain, the soft, the pitter patter that awakens me in the middle of the night.
I'm grateful for snow fall and the softness it brings to the earth. It brings a stillness that is only found in few months of the year.
I'm grateful for the fresh water we have to drink and the many streams and ponds which all lead back to the ocean, I feel it has a deeper meaning:
To remind mankind that we will make the progress and accomplish the most if we but work together. We may live in different part of the world but consequently we are all connected. 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Thanksgiving Blessings: My Body


I try and get on the being grateful bandwagon every year but always procrastinate till thanksgiving day . So while it's on my mind I'd like to take a moment to express mg gratitude about one aspect of my life, ill try my best to write everyday this month ... but you never know what will happen. 

One thing that comes to mind is the body that I have been given and of course being the girl I am, I sometimes dislike things about my body but overall I truly am grateful for it. 

I am grateful for the breath I take every morning as I stretch for the day. 
The stretches, the muscles that move and contract to create strong and fluid movements throughout the day. I'm grateful for the eyes that can see and the nose that smell beautiful foods, fresh rain and Matt's cologne. I'm grateful for hands which can play a beautiful melody on the piano, wipe away someone's tears and grasp my husbands hands to show my love for him.
 I'm grateful for my arms, the elbows and the wrists which can help catch myself when I fall, carry a cute niece or nephew, and can bring people into a loving embrace .
 I'm grateful for my legs , the ankles, and the knees which enable me to walk to the bus stop, work hard at work and keep up with the younger kids I get to associate with.
 I'm grateful for my working heart , the real life battery.
 It is amazing the life is gives without a second thought from me. 
I'm grateful for the blood it pumps through my veins which enable mobility. 
I'm grateful for my nerves which give me sensation. Soft, slimy, hard, shocking, hot, cold.
 I'm grateful for my brain and all that it controls and brings to life.
 I'm grateful for it's many tunnels and pathways to transmit information. 
I'm grateful for it's ability to retain information, to learn and remember countless facts and memories to be brought and used in good days and bad. 

I'm grateful for my body and the healthy state it is in. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

Matt's 24th B-day

Today my wonderful, attractive, and caring husband turned 24 years old.
It was a fantastic day all dedicated to him...
I made sure of it. 
I unfortunately had to go to school from 8-11 this morning but rushed home to greet Matt and take him to Denny's for a free gland slam just by showing them his ID. 
He's a cutie and he's all mine :)
(Yay for freebies for birthdays)
...yes that's my finger in the shot. I'm awesome! 
Later that day we putzed around and just enjoyed spending time with each other and I even was able to get my shift off (I was on call) so that I could spend all day with the birthday man..boy..hunk.

Later I got him to help me set up the tent in the living
It's like having your own fort but cozier and make you feel like you're roughing it outside in the cold...
Almost :)
Afterwards I through some pillows in there
Some Comforters
Pizza from is his favorite place
Presents on the side
and
A DVD of a Avengers to watch together while pigging out and continuing to celebrate him :) 
The first time using the tent my mom gave us when we got married.

Gotta have those pillows.

Yes, that is my present wrapped in newspaper. I think it turned out pretty well considering I wrapped it while he was in the shower this morning. I got quick fingers I do. 

Literally, not joke, the best pizza on the planet. Nicolitalia Pizzeria's Italian Stallion.
Happy Birthday my darling man, I love you bunches and am so excited to celebrate even more years of your birth in the coming years. 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I love it.

I love Halloween. 
I really do. 
I love the spooky, I love the decor, I love the frights, I love the crispness of the air that's brought in with fall.
I love the parties, I love the costumes, I love the treats and the tricks.
I love buying makeup and going all out for a costume.
I love my husband.
I love Halloween.

{Photo from last year}


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A Bad Taste

This week I've had a bad taste in my mouth, not the one that you can brush your teeth or throw some Listerine on.
This bad taste is for learning, cooperating, doing my best, and working hard. 
I don't want to do any of those things. 

There is a 60 year old lady who lives across from us and every time she sees me she is asks if I have prayed to God about going into a different major...
Every time she asks, "Did you go to God, did you ask about going into something else? Because I care about your future and I don't want you to be a job that will be bad for your family, more work than you can understand, huge amounts of paper work and on top of it you don't even get compensated as you should."
3 things:
1.I didn't ask for your opinion
2.I am going off an impression and it's hard enough to know that I'm doing the right thing without you criticizing me on what I feel is right.
3. You don't know anything about Matt and I, so please don't act like you truly care about us when the only conversations that we have with each other is how I'm going the wrong direction in my life. 
Seriously. I did not ask for your opinion. 

She leaves a bad taste and I'm letting that conversation ruin my day. 
Should I let it ruin my day?
No.
But I'm a hard head, so it will even for a few minutes.

Sometimes it is nice to be mad at the world, sometimes it is ok to not be ok.
Sometimes you want to call in sick to work but can't because you need the money.
Sometimes you wish you could just fall asleep on your desk and not have to worry about stupid classes that aren't worth your time.
Sometimes you wish that your neighbors wouldn't be so nosey. 
I don't need to be watched over. 
My husband and I will make due and will pick our own way...

Even now this blogpost has left a bad taste in my mouth because recently I have tried to just let things fall off my shoulder, not worrying so much about them. Really most of this post is just blowing off steam...
...time to eat 5 Altoids. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

A Feeling of Helplessness

Last night Matt and I had the opportunity to go down to Payson to babysit our wonderful neices and nephews while their parents attended an endownment session for Becky's sister.

The evening started out great! We made mac and cheese, sat down, laughed, talked and just enjoyed everyone's company. Then, as Becky had instructed, I took Madeline into the bedroom to get her a new diaper, into her pj's, and ready for bed. 
All. Hell. Broke. Loose. 
Just as I was changing her diaper she went ballistic  She was screaming, crying and relentlessly pulling away from me as I tried to attached the diaper to her waist. After removing the green poop, successfully applying the diaper, and finally (after 10 minutes of fighting)  getting her pj's on, I handed her a nice warm bottle and nicely put her into her crib. 
She wouldn't have it! 
She proceeded to scream like her life was being put to an end, and as though I was a demon from hell. She screamed and rent her bottle above her head in complete desperation to get out of the crib. I closed the blinds, handed her the pink bear, and cracked the door open and hoped her crying would stop. It didn't. It only escalated to the point of the poor girl making herself sick with sobs. 

I took her out of the crib and she stopped crying. 
Manipulation to a T... She was good.
 We proceeded to head downstairs with the rest of the family. After about 20 minutes I went upstairs to check on Lizzy, the 3 year old, and then I hear a blood curdling scream, worse than before. I see Matt coming down the hall with a flaying baby in tow.
It was horrible. 
We didn't know what to do for her. 
We felt absolutely helpless. Well...at least I did.
As we brought her into her room we put her into her crib, tried giving her a bottle, and just watched as she screamed, cried, and produced terrifying screeching and wailing. I continued to feel terrible. I could feel my heart breaking at the sight of her in so much distress. 

After a few minutes I just walked out of the room, turned off the light, and literally prayed to God that she would fall asleep and that this wouldn't scar her (don't judge! I didn't know what I was doing). 30 minutes later the crying stopped. I couldn't believe it. Madeline had fallen asleep out of complete exhaustion from crying for so long. Is that healthy for a baby? I felt horrible still and went up to check that she was breathing and hadn't died from how much she had cried. Turned out she was fine, breathing, and looked at peace.
*Wipe the sweat from my brow*

I know she isn't my child but I feel that this experience introduced me to what does happen in parenting. That being a parent isn't going to be the easiest thing I'm going to do in life. It won't be just having traditions, kisses, hugs, and all love and roses. It literally will be hell sometimes, and sometimes I'll have to be the bad guy. I think that will be the hardest thing to learn when Matt and I do become parents. I don't like being the bad guy..

So. Rude awakenings. They are good. Scary. But good. Right?

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Haha. Today.

Today I woke up at 6:15.
Today I ate a banana.
Today I literally ran into a pane of glass, my sliding door. 
Today I was called amazing.
Today I passed my psychology test.
Today has been a good day.
Today, like everyday, I know that my husband loves me.
Today all of co-workers commented on the yummy smell that my soup was letting off.
Today is one of those days where you know everything in life is worth it and you realize that life really is...
Good. 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Just thoughts

For the last little while I have been thinking about if God really is there, or if he loves me as much as others.
I've had countless discussions, general conference talks, and thoughts come into my head that would suggest to me that he does hear my prayers, he does listen to my thoughts, and he loves me and is there for me.
Why then do I forget that so easily?

I find myself in a monthly rut where I don't remember why I am a good person.
I tell myself that I'm no good.
I tell myself that I could always be better but never will be.
I tell myself I'm not smart.
I tell myself that God doesn't exist. 

This happens every month and it isn't during my period.

Then I stop.
Think. 
Reorganize my thoughts.
Listen to others testimonies.
Remember who I should be listening to.

Satan has a power to tell me and entice me to think what he is saying is right...
That I am incapable
That I am not good enough
That people don't like me
That I'm silly, unwanted and no good
But why in the heavens am I listening to him?
It's like not washing your hands for a month,
they don't get cleaner..they get dirtier, cakey, and smelly

Not the best analogy.

What I mean to say is:
If I believe in God, I should never be depressed.
If I believe in God, I should never waste a moment of happiness being mad or upset.
If I believe in God, I should believe in myself because I know he believes in me. 
If I believe in God, I can do well in school.
If I believe in God, I can be a good person, because I AM a good person.

God lives. 
He does.
I know it.
I know it with every bone and muscle that is in my healthy body.
I know that he cares.
I know that he is there, listening intently.

It is my choice of whether I want to talk to him or not...
to listen to his counsel...
to do my best...
to believe that he is...
to remember what I've felt...
to remember my worth as a daughter of God...
And to never forget what I know...

God is real.
Can you feel that?
God. Is. Real. 

So real that if we put all our want and faith into believing in him, 
we will be able to see more of him in our lives.

It's miraculous isn't it? 
God. There is one. 
He is there. He is real. He believes in me. He believes in you.
Holy cow! 

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Matters Most

Every time I watch this video I cry. 
I can't stop it.
I don't know what it is but it penetrates past the muscles, the rib cage, and straight through to my heart.
The video takes snip-its of a talk by one of my favorite speakers Dieter F. Uchtdorf. 
The talk is called, "Of Things That Matter Most" from the LDS October 2012 General Conference.
Watch the video down below
Then read...
Some of my favorite quotes:

"...it is good advice to slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions."

"... It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Over scheduling our days would certainly qualify for this."

"...We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families.”

"...The search for the best things inevitably leads to the foundational principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ—the simple and beautiful truths revealed to us by a caring, eternal, and all-knowing Father in Heaven. These core doctrines and principles, though simple enough for a child to understand, provide the answers to the most complex questions of life."

"... Leonardo da Vinci is quoted as saying that “simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”  When we look at the foundational principles of the plan of happiness, the plan of salvation, we can recognize and appreciate in its plainness and simplicity the elegance and beauty of our Heavenly Father’s wisdom."

"...The story is told that the legendary football coach Vince Lombardi had a ritual he performed on the first day of training. He would hold up a football, show it to the athletes who had been playing the sport for many years, and say, “Gentlemen, … this is a football!” He talked about its size and shape, how it can be kicked, carried, or passed. He took the team out onto the empty field and said, “This is a football field.” He walked them around, describing the dimensions, the shape, the rules, and how the game is played. 4
This coach knew that even these experienced players, and indeed the team, could become great only by mastering the fundamentals. They could spend their time practicing intricate trick plays, but until they mastered the fundamentals of the game, they would never become a championship team."

"...The holy scriptures and the spoken word of the living prophets give emphasis to the fundamental principles and doctrines of the gospel. The reason we return to these foundational principles, to the pure doctrines, is because they are the gateway to truths of profound meaning. They are the door to experiences of sublime importance that would otherwise be beyond our capacity to comprehend. These simple, basic principles are the key to living in harmony with God and man. They are the keys to opening the windows of heaven. They lead us to the peace, joy, and understanding that Heavenly Father has promised to His children who hear and obey Him."






"...My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little... focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most."

"...Let us heed the invitation in Psalms: “Be still, and know that I am God.”

"...To strengthen our relationship with God, we need some meaningful time alone with Him. Quietly focusing on daily personal prayer and scripture study, always aiming to be worthy of a current temple recommend—these will be some wise investments of our time and efforts to draw closer to our Heavenly Father."

***This is what I needed***
"...The fourth key relationship is with ourselves. It may seem odd to think of having a relationship with ourselves, but we do. Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential." 

"... The gospel of Jesus Christ is on earth once more, and its simple truths are a plentiful source of joy!"

"...Let us simplify our lives a little. Let us make the changes necessary to refocus our lives on the sublime beauty of the simple, humble path of Christian discipleship—the path that leads always toward a life of meaning, gladness, and peace."

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Things I Can't Say

     I recently found this blog which is called, "Things I Can't Say"--Spilling it out on this blog. She writes all that she feels wouldn't be appropriate to say to someone's face or would be too scary and not worth the retort that could result from being honest.
She has this "Pour Your Heart Out With Me" Wednesdays where we as bloggers follow in her footsteps about writing whatever we need or feel we should write about.
I am a day late but there is something that I do want to write about and in the following weeks I'll follow her schedule of Wednesdays.

I'm having issues with the whole possibly not being able to a stay at home mom in the future. 
I'll be honest, I don't want to work. 
I want to stay home, be a mom, and only be a mom. 
Sure I'll get my degree but do I really want to do anything with it besides apply it to mothering my future children?
 Not really.
I want to be able to be there for children and not be away from them longer than it needful.
I don't need time away from my family. 
I even hate taking time away from Matt. 
I would rather stay home with Matt but I know I need to keep my relationship with friends and family alive and well because they are important too. 

I'll be honest, some days I desperately want to be a mom.
Right. Now.
Then there are days where I'm scared out of my pants to be one. 
There are always the reoccurring questions swirling around my head:

"What if the child has a disability?"
"What if we can't afford having a child?"
"What if it is as hard as everyone says it is?"
"What if I'm not a good mom?"
"What if...."
"What if..."
The list is endless and yet I feel this constant pull to be a mom sooner than later. 
But society sees it differently.
I can't count how many times acquaintances, friends, and family have told me straight out that Matt and I should wait a few years before even thinking about having kids. 

"You should wait till you have more income."
"You should wait till you're done with school."
"Why would anyone get pregnant so fast? Don't they want to spend time with each other?"

I have had a few closer friends get married, and come to find they are pregnant soon after they get married. 
Honeymoon babies people call them.

I find myself incredibly excited for them...
Then a creeping feeling of jealously sneaks in. 

I do not know when the right time to have a child would be.
Is there anytime that is perfect?
I don't know.

Some days I feel that if I were more diligent in reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and inviting the spirit into my life more that it would be easier to figure out when the right to have a child would be. 
I need to do better at the spiritual side of my life. 
In that aspect I have gotten extremely lazy. 

That may be one of the answers to my questions. 
God will tell us when it is the right to have a child.
********
I won't lie though,
If I could just finish my degree...
Get Matt through school...
Have him find a job...
...We have babies
...I could stay home
...and be a mom.

Sigh. 
Yes, I'm baby crazy some days and other days I'm not sure what I am.

If you'd like to participate in Wednesday "Pour Your Heart Out w/ Me"
 Go to this link and get your own button. 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

It's just so happens that

God knows what he is doing 
He knows what people to have you talk to during the day
He knows that the perspectives that people have for their lives will strengthen yours
He knows that we were not made to be alone
He give us experiences to try our faith
He knows we'll make mistakes
He knows we'll try and fix them
He know we are not bad people
He knows that we are good, through and through, and are trying our best...
...even if we stumble and fall.

God's atonement is alive and working all around us
He is there, always. 
He is aware of me.
He is aware of you.

Don't ever feel like you are not good enough for His love
Don't ever regret decisions you've made,
Only regret them if you didn't learn something from them.

God is listening.
God is willing to help.
God is eager to lead you.

God is aware of you.

Take a moment to think of the moments in your life where he placed someone, something, or some experience into your life at the right moment. The moment you were feeling the most down, the most put out, and the most unsure about the future. How about the time when you didn't see your worth as a person?
He was there.
Always is.
Always will be.

His love is infinite for us, our trust in Him needs to be the same. 

Anyway, I just saw the Lord's hand in my life today and had to share my thoughts on the subject.
:)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Awful Waffle/Bloggers Party

My friend Sierra invited Sarah F. and I to this bloggers party. 
       

There were free cupcakes, free waffles and free pizza all provided by the "Awful Waffle" in Provo.
I would HIGHLY recommend you go there.
There were three types of desserts to choose from:
Crepes
Belgium Waffle
and amazing Waffle at the top which I got smothered with Nutella, Strawberries and plenty of love.
I could just taste it ok?
Go there! 
They are located at 602 E. 600 S. 

About the bloggers party:
I'll be honest Sarah F. and I really talked about the deeper thoughts we have been having lately and didn't focus so much on the other discussions.
We met a few of the All-star bloggers who had hundreds, if not, thousands of followers...
They were nice.
They were stylish.
They were great. 
They were on a different playing field.

I feel this blog that I have at the edge of my fingertips is my life, through words.
Sometimes it is eloquent.
Most of the time it is straight ramblings or throw stew/word vomit.
I just talk to talk.
I just write till my feelings are down on imaginary paper.
That works for me.
It may not get me followers but I have something tangible that I can read in the future.
Something to mark the progress I have made as an individual.

I'm so happy that there are people out their that find happiness in blogging about their style, food, what their reading, DIY, amongst other things cause then I can read it. 
I love reading what other people are doing.
I, however, don't care so much about others reading my stuff.

A lot of bloggers write for the sake of pleasing the crowd.
I write for myself and for my sanity. 

Go eat a waffle, I promise you won't regret it.