Friday, October 26, 2012

Matt's 24th B-day

Today my wonderful, attractive, and caring husband turned 24 years old.
It was a fantastic day all dedicated to him...
I made sure of it. 
I unfortunately had to go to school from 8-11 this morning but rushed home to greet Matt and take him to Denny's for a free gland slam just by showing them his ID. 
He's a cutie and he's all mine :)
(Yay for freebies for birthdays)
...yes that's my finger in the shot. I'm awesome! 
Later that day we putzed around and just enjoyed spending time with each other and I even was able to get my shift off (I was on call) so that I could spend all day with the birthday man..boy..hunk.

Later I got him to help me set up the tent in the living
It's like having your own fort but cozier and make you feel like you're roughing it outside in the cold...
Almost :)
Afterwards I through some pillows in there
Some Comforters
Pizza from is his favorite place
Presents on the side
A DVD of a Avengers to watch together while pigging out and continuing to celebrate him :) 
The first time using the tent my mom gave us when we got married.

Gotta have those pillows.

Yes, that is my present wrapped in newspaper. I think it turned out pretty well considering I wrapped it while he was in the shower this morning. I got quick fingers I do. 

Literally, not joke, the best pizza on the planet. Nicolitalia Pizzeria's Italian Stallion.
Happy Birthday my darling man, I love you bunches and am so excited to celebrate even more years of your birth in the coming years. 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I love it.

I love Halloween. 
I really do. 
I love the spooky, I love the decor, I love the frights, I love the crispness of the air that's brought in with fall.
I love the parties, I love the costumes, I love the treats and the tricks.
I love buying makeup and going all out for a costume.
I love my husband.
I love Halloween.

{Photo from last year}

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A Bad Taste

This week I've had a bad taste in my mouth, not the one that you can brush your teeth or throw some Listerine on.
This bad taste is for learning, cooperating, doing my best, and working hard. 
I don't want to do any of those things. 

There is a 60 year old lady who lives across from us and every time she sees me she is asks if I have prayed to God about going into a different major...
Every time she asks, "Did you go to God, did you ask about going into something else? Because I care about your future and I don't want you to be a job that will be bad for your family, more work than you can understand, huge amounts of paper work and on top of it you don't even get compensated as you should."
3 things:
1.I didn't ask for your opinion
2.I am going off an impression and it's hard enough to know that I'm doing the right thing without you criticizing me on what I feel is right.
3. You don't know anything about Matt and I, so please don't act like you truly care about us when the only conversations that we have with each other is how I'm going the wrong direction in my life. 
Seriously. I did not ask for your opinion. 

She leaves a bad taste and I'm letting that conversation ruin my day. 
Should I let it ruin my day?
But I'm a hard head, so it will even for a few minutes.

Sometimes it is nice to be mad at the world, sometimes it is ok to not be ok.
Sometimes you want to call in sick to work but can't because you need the money.
Sometimes you wish you could just fall asleep on your desk and not have to worry about stupid classes that aren't worth your time.
Sometimes you wish that your neighbors wouldn't be so nosey. 
I don't need to be watched over. 
My husband and I will make due and will pick our own way...

Even now this blogpost has left a bad taste in my mouth because recently I have tried to just let things fall off my shoulder, not worrying so much about them. Really most of this post is just blowing off steam...
...time to eat 5 Altoids. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

A Feeling of Helplessness

Last night Matt and I had the opportunity to go down to Payson to babysit our wonderful neices and nephews while their parents attended an endownment session for Becky's sister.

The evening started out great! We made mac and cheese, sat down, laughed, talked and just enjoyed everyone's company. Then, as Becky had instructed, I took Madeline into the bedroom to get her a new diaper, into her pj's, and ready for bed. 
All. Hell. Broke. Loose. 
Just as I was changing her diaper she went ballistic  She was screaming, crying and relentlessly pulling away from me as I tried to attached the diaper to her waist. After removing the green poop, successfully applying the diaper, and finally (after 10 minutes of fighting)  getting her pj's on, I handed her a nice warm bottle and nicely put her into her crib. 
She wouldn't have it! 
She proceeded to scream like her life was being put to an end, and as though I was a demon from hell. She screamed and rent her bottle above her head in complete desperation to get out of the crib. I closed the blinds, handed her the pink bear, and cracked the door open and hoped her crying would stop. It didn't. It only escalated to the point of the poor girl making herself sick with sobs. 

I took her out of the crib and she stopped crying. 
Manipulation to a T... She was good.
 We proceeded to head downstairs with the rest of the family. After about 20 minutes I went upstairs to check on Lizzy, the 3 year old, and then I hear a blood curdling scream, worse than before. I see Matt coming down the hall with a flaying baby in tow.
It was horrible. 
We didn't know what to do for her. 
We felt absolutely helpless. least I did.
As we brought her into her room we put her into her crib, tried giving her a bottle, and just watched as she screamed, cried, and produced terrifying screeching and wailing. I continued to feel terrible. I could feel my heart breaking at the sight of her in so much distress. 

After a few minutes I just walked out of the room, turned off the light, and literally prayed to God that she would fall asleep and that this wouldn't scar her (don't judge! I didn't know what I was doing). 30 minutes later the crying stopped. I couldn't believe it. Madeline had fallen asleep out of complete exhaustion from crying for so long. Is that healthy for a baby? I felt horrible still and went up to check that she was breathing and hadn't died from how much she had cried. Turned out she was fine, breathing, and looked at peace.
*Wipe the sweat from my brow*

I know she isn't my child but I feel that this experience introduced me to what does happen in parenting. That being a parent isn't going to be the easiest thing I'm going to do in life. It won't be just having traditions, kisses, hugs, and all love and roses. It literally will be hell sometimes, and sometimes I'll have to be the bad guy. I think that will be the hardest thing to learn when Matt and I do become parents. I don't like being the bad guy..

So. Rude awakenings. They are good. Scary. But good. Right?

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Haha. Today.

Today I woke up at 6:15.
Today I ate a banana.
Today I literally ran into a pane of glass, my sliding door. 
Today I was called amazing.
Today I passed my psychology test.
Today has been a good day.
Today, like everyday, I know that my husband loves me.
Today all of co-workers commented on the yummy smell that my soup was letting off.
Today is one of those days where you know everything in life is worth it and you realize that life really is...

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Just thoughts

For the last little while I have been thinking about if God really is there, or if he loves me as much as others.
I've had countless discussions, general conference talks, and thoughts come into my head that would suggest to me that he does hear my prayers, he does listen to my thoughts, and he loves me and is there for me.
Why then do I forget that so easily?

I find myself in a monthly rut where I don't remember why I am a good person.
I tell myself that I'm no good.
I tell myself that I could always be better but never will be.
I tell myself I'm not smart.
I tell myself that God doesn't exist. 

This happens every month and it isn't during my period.

Then I stop.
Reorganize my thoughts.
Listen to others testimonies.
Remember who I should be listening to.

Satan has a power to tell me and entice me to think what he is saying is right...
That I am incapable
That I am not good enough
That people don't like me
That I'm silly, unwanted and no good
But why in the heavens am I listening to him?
It's like not washing your hands for a month,
they don't get cleaner..they get dirtier, cakey, and smelly

Not the best analogy.

What I mean to say is:
If I believe in God, I should never be depressed.
If I believe in God, I should never waste a moment of happiness being mad or upset.
If I believe in God, I should believe in myself because I know he believes in me. 
If I believe in God, I can do well in school.
If I believe in God, I can be a good person, because I AM a good person.

God lives. 
He does.
I know it.
I know it with every bone and muscle that is in my healthy body.
I know that he cares.
I know that he is there, listening intently.

It is my choice of whether I want to talk to him or not...
to listen to his counsel...
to do my best...
to believe that he is...
to remember what I've felt...
to remember my worth as a daughter of God...
And to never forget what I know...

God is real.
Can you feel that?
God. Is. Real. 

So real that if we put all our want and faith into believing in him, 
we will be able to see more of him in our lives.

It's miraculous isn't it? 
God. There is one. 
He is there. He is real. He believes in me. He believes in you.
Holy cow! 

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Matters Most

Every time I watch this video I cry. 
I can't stop it.
I don't know what it is but it penetrates past the muscles, the rib cage, and straight through to my heart.
The video takes snip-its of a talk by one of my favorite speakers Dieter F. Uchtdorf. 
The talk is called, "Of Things That Matter Most" from the LDS October 2012 General Conference.
Watch the video down below
Then read...
Some of my favorite quotes:

" is good advice to slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions."

"... It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Over scheduling our days would certainly qualify for this."

"...We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families.”

"...The search for the best things inevitably leads to the foundational principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ—the simple and beautiful truths revealed to us by a caring, eternal, and all-knowing Father in Heaven. These core doctrines and principles, though simple enough for a child to understand, provide the answers to the most complex questions of life."

"... Leonardo da Vinci is quoted as saying that “simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”  When we look at the foundational principles of the plan of happiness, the plan of salvation, we can recognize and appreciate in its plainness and simplicity the elegance and beauty of our Heavenly Father’s wisdom."

"...The story is told that the legendary football coach Vince Lombardi had a ritual he performed on the first day of training. He would hold up a football, show it to the athletes who had been playing the sport for many years, and say, “Gentlemen, … this is a football!” He talked about its size and shape, how it can be kicked, carried, or passed. He took the team out onto the empty field and said, “This is a football field.” He walked them around, describing the dimensions, the shape, the rules, and how the game is played. 4
This coach knew that even these experienced players, and indeed the team, could become great only by mastering the fundamentals. They could spend their time practicing intricate trick plays, but until they mastered the fundamentals of the game, they would never become a championship team."

"...The holy scriptures and the spoken word of the living prophets give emphasis to the fundamental principles and doctrines of the gospel. The reason we return to these foundational principles, to the pure doctrines, is because they are the gateway to truths of profound meaning. They are the door to experiences of sublime importance that would otherwise be beyond our capacity to comprehend. These simple, basic principles are the key to living in harmony with God and man. They are the keys to opening the windows of heaven. They lead us to the peace, joy, and understanding that Heavenly Father has promised to His children who hear and obey Him."

"...My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little... focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most."

"...Let us heed the invitation in Psalms: “Be still, and know that I am God.”

"...To strengthen our relationship with God, we need some meaningful time alone with Him. Quietly focusing on daily personal prayer and scripture study, always aiming to be worthy of a current temple recommend—these will be some wise investments of our time and efforts to draw closer to our Heavenly Father."

***This is what I needed***
"...The fourth key relationship is with ourselves. It may seem odd to think of having a relationship with ourselves, but we do. Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential." 

"... The gospel of Jesus Christ is on earth once more, and its simple truths are a plentiful source of joy!"

"...Let us simplify our lives a little. Let us make the changes necessary to refocus our lives on the sublime beauty of the simple, humble path of Christian discipleship—the path that leads always toward a life of meaning, gladness, and peace."

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Things I Can't Say

     I recently found this blog which is called, "Things I Can't Say"--Spilling it out on this blog. She writes all that she feels wouldn't be appropriate to say to someone's face or would be too scary and not worth the retort that could result from being honest.
She has this "Pour Your Heart Out With Me" Wednesdays where we as bloggers follow in her footsteps about writing whatever we need or feel we should write about.
I am a day late but there is something that I do want to write about and in the following weeks I'll follow her schedule of Wednesdays.

I'm having issues with the whole possibly not being able to a stay at home mom in the future. 
I'll be honest, I don't want to work. 
I want to stay home, be a mom, and only be a mom. 
Sure I'll get my degree but do I really want to do anything with it besides apply it to mothering my future children?
 Not really.
I want to be able to be there for children and not be away from them longer than it needful.
I don't need time away from my family. 
I even hate taking time away from Matt. 
I would rather stay home with Matt but I know I need to keep my relationship with friends and family alive and well because they are important too. 

I'll be honest, some days I desperately want to be a mom.
Right. Now.
Then there are days where I'm scared out of my pants to be one. 
There are always the reoccurring questions swirling around my head:

"What if the child has a disability?"
"What if we can't afford having a child?"
"What if it is as hard as everyone says it is?"
"What if I'm not a good mom?"
"What if...."
"What if..."
The list is endless and yet I feel this constant pull to be a mom sooner than later. 
But society sees it differently.
I can't count how many times acquaintances, friends, and family have told me straight out that Matt and I should wait a few years before even thinking about having kids. 

"You should wait till you have more income."
"You should wait till you're done with school."
"Why would anyone get pregnant so fast? Don't they want to spend time with each other?"

I have had a few closer friends get married, and come to find they are pregnant soon after they get married. 
Honeymoon babies people call them.

I find myself incredibly excited for them...
Then a creeping feeling of jealously sneaks in. 

I do not know when the right time to have a child would be.
Is there anytime that is perfect?
I don't know.

Some days I feel that if I were more diligent in reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and inviting the spirit into my life more that it would be easier to figure out when the right to have a child would be. 
I need to do better at the spiritual side of my life. 
In that aspect I have gotten extremely lazy. 

That may be one of the answers to my questions. 
God will tell us when it is the right to have a child.
I won't lie though,
If I could just finish my degree...
Get Matt through school...
Have him find a job...
...We have babies
...I could stay home
...and be a mom.

Yes, I'm baby crazy some days and other days I'm not sure what I am.

If you'd like to participate in Wednesday "Pour Your Heart Out w/ Me"
 Go to this link and get your own button. 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

It's just so happens that

God knows what he is doing 
He knows what people to have you talk to during the day
He knows that the perspectives that people have for their lives will strengthen yours
He knows that we were not made to be alone
He give us experiences to try our faith
He knows we'll make mistakes
He knows we'll try and fix them
He know we are not bad people
He knows that we are good, through and through, and are trying our best...
...even if we stumble and fall.

God's atonement is alive and working all around us
He is there, always. 
He is aware of me.
He is aware of you.

Don't ever feel like you are not good enough for His love
Don't ever regret decisions you've made,
Only regret them if you didn't learn something from them.

God is listening.
God is willing to help.
God is eager to lead you.

God is aware of you.

Take a moment to think of the moments in your life where he placed someone, something, or some experience into your life at the right moment. The moment you were feeling the most down, the most put out, and the most unsure about the future. How about the time when you didn't see your worth as a person?
He was there.
Always is.
Always will be.

His love is infinite for us, our trust in Him needs to be the same. 

Anyway, I just saw the Lord's hand in my life today and had to share my thoughts on the subject.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Awful Waffle/Bloggers Party

My friend Sierra invited Sarah F. and I to this bloggers party. 

There were free cupcakes, free waffles and free pizza all provided by the "Awful Waffle" in Provo.
I would HIGHLY recommend you go there.
There were three types of desserts to choose from:
Belgium Waffle
and amazing Waffle at the top which I got smothered with Nutella, Strawberries and plenty of love.
I could just taste it ok?
Go there! 
They are located at 602 E. 600 S. 

About the bloggers party:
I'll be honest Sarah F. and I really talked about the deeper thoughts we have been having lately and didn't focus so much on the other discussions.
We met a few of the All-star bloggers who had hundreds, if not, thousands of followers...
They were nice.
They were stylish.
They were great. 
They were on a different playing field.

I feel this blog that I have at the edge of my fingertips is my life, through words.
Sometimes it is eloquent.
Most of the time it is straight ramblings or throw stew/word vomit.
I just talk to talk.
I just write till my feelings are down on imaginary paper.
That works for me.
It may not get me followers but I have something tangible that I can read in the future.
Something to mark the progress I have made as an individual.

I'm so happy that there are people out their that find happiness in blogging about their style, food, what their reading, DIY, amongst other things cause then I can read it. 
I love reading what other people are doing.
I, however, don't care so much about others reading my stuff.

A lot of bloggers write for the sake of pleasing the crowd.
I write for myself and for my sanity. 

Go eat a waffle, I promise you won't regret it.

A Pork Sandwhich and Some Chips

Last Friday I was bombarded with unnecessary doubting thoughts about myself and my abilities. 
The night before I had broken down in Matt's lap and cried like a little girl for a straight hour. 
I felt inadequate. I felt distressed. I felt alone.
I left school and could feel the emotions bubbling up.
I called Matt's phone expecting an answering machine where I could vent my feelings for few minutes...
He answered this time and I couldn't stop the sobs that rose out of my throat.
I described my feelings of feeling inadequate and unsure why I was putting myself through this education program when I was no good at it.
He listened, consoled, and loved just like the A-star husband he is.
Then he reminded me of the revelation I had received, personally, from my Heavenly Father.

Last summer I had the opportunity to spend of summer serving the Lord as a Young Performing Missionary in Nauvoo, Illinois.
This summer changed my life.
It prepared me for marriage to the man of my dreams.
Encouraged me to take a step in the dark to be in the Elementary Ed program.
It showed me who I was able to be and who I can be, if I choose to be.
One day in the summer I was walking back to the visitor's center with my companion and a thought struck me like a bleeding lighting bolt. 
"You need to go to into the Elementary Education program when you get home"
....uh ok?
If you didn't know, I have pushed the thought of being a teacher out of my little head and body since the dawn of time. 
You know those times in school where they asked you what you wanted to be when you grow up.
I never wanted to be a teacher, ever.
I would probably have rather have some horrible done to me than be a teacher.
But I received a prompting and I went with it.

6 weeks into the program and I'm dying/I'm doing fine. 
I feel this program has made me a pre-bi-polar nut.
Matt has had to deal with more breakdowns than I'm sure he ever thought he would have to.

As the phone call continued Matt spoke to me softly and assured me again that God loves me.
God knows me.
God knows what is best for me.
The last thing he said to me before hanging up to get back to work
"Remember Brianna babe, the only three people you have to worry about is yourself, me, and God."
I love my husband. Really. 

I thoughtfully stewed over what Matt said at work, while trying to slow my breathing so I wouldn't break down into sobs in front of customer. 
I did well and soon I was happy and onward to a go-lucky woman.
Still I felt a hole in my heart that hadn't been filled yet.
I needed food.
I love food. 
Food is comfort.
Comfort food within moderation.

For dinner I got a Pulled Pork Sandwhich, Homemade Mac & Cheese, with Lays Potato Chips
I have a salt tooth, not a sweet tooth.
It hit the spot and I instantly knew that I could make it through.
One day at a time would be the way to do it.
Believing in myself
Remembering that God loves me, knows me, and knows what is best for me.