is "I make myself bored" ...I always knew the German's were smart.
Lately I have been having a hard time adjusting to married life, the simplicity of it all. The ins and outs are very planned, you go to work, bring home the "bacon" and then pay people that bacon so your oven that cooks the bacon will work. We work to live and sometimes live to work.
I find myself becoming utterly miserable because I think life should be constantly filled with do's and not so much, "sit down, take in the moment and find joy in the day to day things". Matt thinks it is because I read too many fictional books and watch too many chick flick, lovey dovey, so fictionalized you could cut it with a knife, material. I am lost within fantasy, so I have a hard time finding joy within reality.
Does this make sense?
No, probably not. I find myself wishing for the next big thing, I wish to go outside and spend money on activites that Matt and I could do and I get angry or frustrated when Matt brings my feet that are floating 10 feet in the air back to real life, on the ground. I get frustrated at the person who has his feet so planted and his life so in check and he's happy with it, he really is amazing. I have a lot to learn from him, I knew that in beginning but it is becoming more prevelant as the days continue moving on in our marriage.
Marriage has been said by many to the be hardest thing we do in life. Do you want to know why it is hard for me? Because I'm not used to the prolonged achievements. I've always been one to find the quickest way to do something, the surest (maybe not the best) but the minimum needed to accomplish something, anything. Marriage is not like that. It isn't a check list of things you "need to do" to have a "perfect" marriage or even a "perfect" life. Really, there is nothing I can do to accomplish all that I would like to in a day, there are many things that would take countless hours to finish and would bring about wonderful amounts of happiness but I have no desire to apply myself because there is always another and easier way to do it. Easier is not always fulfilling.
Matt made a good point while we were talking in the dim light of the living room, discussing how I percieve the world and how it has been that way ever since he met me. I live within and through others I like. I find the best in people and compare it to the worst in myself... sometimes conciously and other times unconsiously. Both times do damage and both times do not help me progress as a human being. .
Progression takes work, the work which I don't want to put in the time for...it's too hard. It's too long and right now it doesn't seem worth it. All the hard things were supposed to be in high school, in college, in "growing up" but now that I'm grown up, shouldn't it all be easy, hunkey dorey "let's have kids together and live happily ever after"...i'm pining for a Disney movie, a comedic storyline for a life that just ain't possible. My psyche thinks it is so it keeps searching for it, but it isn't there and it never will be. How is that ok? I want it be ok, and want to be rational and open minded about life, why am I not?
How do you find peace in the simplicity of life, the everyday ins and outs where there isn't always the exciting "I need to write this down in my journal for kids to read some day" moments? Sometimes we wake up, get ready, go to work, come home , eat and go to bed again. Is that ok?
Is it ok to just do those things?
Is it going to change whether I get into the celestial kingdom or whether I have seven kids or whether I'm a good person at the end of the day? No. What it does though is it provides the carnal needs of life like food, shelter, comfort, warmth, water, and many other things which I personally take for granted far more often than I should...Why?
Why do I need so much stimulant?
I'm not sure I can even answer that question now.
What do I need to be happy and satisfied with life?
Why am I so whiny?
The world may never know....
