Sunday, July 29, 2012


Why has no one ever told me that writing can be immensely therapeutic? 
Ok, scratch that, I have heard that it can be but I didn't believe it really..
Until tonight. 
Holy hash buckets of french fried oyster shells batman!
I just got over something that has been stewing inside my subconscious for at least 3, if not 4 years.
4 years of my life blaming someone else for my misgivings, my irritations, my jealousies. 
Wow, I'm never reading that journal entry ever again, 
It is down on paper,
Out of my life,
Out of my subconscious.

Wow, this journal is going to be a lifesaver if I keep having writing sessions like this last hour and half one. 
6 pages, all of my ranting, thinking through thoughts and coming out on top

Why didn't I listen to my creative writing teacher
 the prophets to keep a journal?

A vivid journal 
One where you discuss, really, what is bothering you.
Holy cow, can't get over it. 
I'm going to sleep REALLY good tonight! 

***I've decided I'm going to design a signature to leave after every blog post from now. 
Keep your eyes posted for that.

Stop reading this now and go experience freedom from writing in one's journal!!! 

Going through memories

I don't know if you knew that I could animate...well here ya go. I made this one summer when I was super super bored and had no job to attend to my boredom.

.close to animation...well kind of.

peace :)

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I won't give up...

...on living life in the moment
...eating healthy
...loving school, learning new things
...challenging myself with books
...singing at the top of my lungs
...dressing in my style, not the one in the magazines
...on being completely blown away by the beauty of the earth
...making memories
...on my family or friends
...making myself better for that day when I become a mom
...on trying to be more selfless 
...on working hard 
...on the dreams of my husband and myself
...on the covenants that we have made 
...the opportunity we have to live eternity together
...on the love that we have, ever
...on the promise of another tomorrow
...on being the person I can be
...trying new things
...on making mistakes
...on the elation I feel when I look into my husband's eyes
...on the gratitude I feel for life
...on learning from them
...on the gospel
...on my testimony of it
...on memories
...the good, the bad, the ugly
...on seeing myself as a beautiful daughter of God
...on laughing even in the midst of life's trials
...on acting childish
...dancing while no one is home relationship with God yearning for the best
...on my dream to be a mom someday
...on myself, I can be anything I want to be or need to be
...on us 

What won't you give up on?

Life is great.

 To be honest life is going great right now, here are some of the highlights I'd like to pin point:

1. Matt and I have enough money for the things we need
2. I get to go to school in the fall even with all the fafsa irritations
3. We are now primary teachers for 6-7 yrs olds 
4. We LOVE our new callings and can't wait for each Sunday to roll around so we can teach
5. Our apartment now how pictures on the walls, toilet paper in the bathroom, and a nice little routine that we have begun to fall into. 
6. Marriage is bliss, everyday it gets better
7. Everyday I love Matt more and more
8. I love cooking things in the crock pot. Add ingredients, Set on Low, Seem like a chef 10 hours later.
9. Matt got into a small fender bender on his way to try and catch me walking home from work a few weeks ago. Happily he wasn't hurt, happily the car still runs great, and I was taken back with myself when I produced an audible, "ahhhh" (as in when you see something cute) when I heard this story told by my husband. 
10. I have a husband, and I am a wife. It is awesome. I endorse marriage 100 percent, if not more. 
To the right person of course.
11. Yesterday marked the 7 year anniversary of Matt's accident. I'm so grateful that he is still on this earth for me to enjoy as a husband, a friend, and confidant. 
12. Life is just great.

The end for now. 

Monday, July 16, 2012

What 4 loads of laundry taught me

Don't leave your laundry sitting in piles upon piles for weeks and weeks upon end.
It doesn't end great. 

First you have to haul everything that you own (plus the husband's things) to the neighbor's laundromat because yours only has one washer and dryer.
One measly washer and dryer for 15 definitely read that right.
Plus the neighbor's apartment will save you 50 cents a load. 

Grab everything, haul over, almost trip down 9 steps over 4 times.
Start 5 loads of laundry, set timer for 32 minutes.
Timer dings but the dryers are not available, every single one is taken.
Everyone of them is just sitting there will clothes ready to be taken out
but the owners of those clothes didn't realize someone else would like to use it
so they left them there for 20 minutes.
After 2o minutes you decide to haul the wet 5 loads of laundry into the car
Drive two blocks to the 1.25 (dollars) laundromat to finish what you started.

1 hr later, and 5 dollars in quarters down you begin folding all the laundry.
It is takes three people walking in, starting, and finishing their laundry for you to stack your pile
Into 4 laundry baskets.and in 4 laundry baskets it almost doesn't fit. 
Thankfully the three laundry baskets fit neatly and snugly in the back with the seat down and the remaining basket cuddled up in the front seat with you. 

Arriving home it takes 6 trips to make all the laundry appear in the master bedroom
Seeing as you are a woman you did as much as you could while doing the task at hand:
1. Carry white laundry basket up
2. See recycling bin hasn't been taken down, takes out to recycle.
3. Carry next white laundry basket up with now empty recycling bin
4. See mailman putting mail in mailbox, grab key on way down for last trip
5. Carry large white laundry basket up, throw keys for mailbox and phone into the last basket
6. Carry the blue laundry basket to mailbox, open, retrieve and at last drop last basket on bedroom floor.

Now go eat an orange.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Life for awhile through Instagram

At the Stadium of Fire, waiting for the Beach Boys to come on.
This is how my husband writes shopping lists, notice the chicken

What boredom at work looks like.

Lunch with my mom at California Pizza Kitchen, pizza was mostly meat and fabulous.

Campfire up Payson canyon with the Call's...we called it off after sometime.
Bastille Day with friends eating sausage, bread, cheese, pickles and watching hilarious French movies.     

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

2 1/2 months

If it seems like I'm counting up from the wedding day I'm not. I just get these needs to write about what I am experiencing and it happens to be 2 1/2 months in.

Things I have learned about being married in the last 80 days or so: 
(The hyphenated lines are my thoughts)

1. Marriage is Hard
-But it is worth it
2. Marriage is a game of give and take
-Should be more give
3. Money is to be put towards you as a couples well being
- Not towards frivolous  "I need to do something cause I'm so bored" moments (you'll live)
4. Marriage is the longest thing we will do on this earth
- Why then fret about getting everything done in the next month or year?
5. Marriage is about learning to love or at least like what the other person finds dear
-Do better at this, it is not hard to open your mind to new things
6. As a couple you need to truly care for, about, and be prepared to not get what you think you need
-When in reality you are the one keeping the other down or away from what they need
(Do Better) 
7. Marriage is not just about sex, it is about loving the other person, caring for them, making them a sandwich in the morning before they go to work. It is making sure they are ok in their life. It is being there when they want to talk about something in their day and it is the other's responsibility to listen attentively and really listen to what they are saying. It is about cleaning for the sake that you love the other, that you want them to live in a clean space that will be a haven and a place where the spirit can dwell. It is about helping the other become better and never pointing out their bad qualities; unless they ask. It is about seeing the best, not the worst. It is about saying kind things about the other and not things like "you're a dork" "you're a nerd" "well sir jerk-a-lot" ...etc. It is about loving them, it is about being with them and not being a jerk yourself...
Like I have been recently 

Confession Time.
I have been the lousiest jerk of a wife for the past few weeks. I have been selfish, unkind, and unrelenting in thinking subconsciously that everything is about me...if I'm not happy he shouldn't be happy. That is not the right foundation to build a marriage on. I need to do better, I can do better.
 I am not this type of person. 

I love Matthew Call more than I ever thought I could love anyone, he in the reason I go to work, he is the reason I get up in the morning, he is the reason I am continuing education, he is the reason I want so many kids, he is the reason I got to the temple to be married, he is the reason for me still believing in myself, he is the reason why I still have a testimony, he is the reason that I clean the kitchen, he in the reason I do the dishes, he in the reason for every good thing in my life at this moment. He makes me stronger and regardless of me having a "dark side", a past, remorse for things I've done, the person I sometimes am on a daily basis..he still loves me. 
He loves me so much and I repay him with spite and ignorant name calling. 

I love him. I do.
I love him so much.
 I'm sorry heaven and earth for the way I have been treating him. 
I hope that in some cosmic way that this post will bring about some change in the way I've been acting.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Gosh Darnit Flubbin Crubble

I need a hobby, I am going stir crazy within my skin.

Monday, July 2, 2012

I am Bored in German...

is "I make myself bored" ...I always knew the German's were smart.

Lately I have been having a hard time adjusting to married life, the simplicity of it all. The ins and outs are very planned, you go to work, bring home the "bacon" and then pay people that bacon so your oven that cooks the bacon will work. We work to live and sometimes live to work.

I find myself becoming utterly miserable because I think life should be constantly filled with do's and not so much, "sit down, take in the moment and find joy in the day to day things". Matt thinks it is because I read too many fictional books and watch too many chick flick, lovey dovey, so fictionalized you could cut it with a knife, material. I am lost within fantasy, so I have a hard time finding joy within reality.

Does this make sense?

No, probably not. I find myself wishing for the next big thing, I wish to go outside and spend money on activites that Matt and I could do and I get angry or frustrated when Matt brings my feet that are floating 10 feet in the air back to real life, on the ground. I get frustrated at the person who has his feet so planted and his life so in check and he's happy with it, he really is amazing. I have a lot to learn from him, I knew that in beginning but it is becoming more prevelant as the days continue moving on in our marriage.

Marriage has been said by many to the be hardest thing we do in life. Do you want to know why it is hard for me? Because I'm not used to the prolonged achievements. I've always been one to find the quickest way to do something, the surest (maybe not the best) but the minimum needed to accomplish something, anything. Marriage is not like that. It isn't a check list of things you "need to do" to have a "perfect" marriage or even a "perfect" life. Really, there is nothing I can do to accomplish all that I would like to in a day, there are many things that would take countless hours to finish and would bring about wonderful amounts of happiness but I have no desire to apply myself because there is always another and easier way to do it. Easier is not always fulfilling.

Matt made a good point while we were talking in the dim light of the living room, discussing how I percieve the world and how it has been that way ever since he met me. I live within and through others I like. I find the best in people and compare it to the worst in myself... sometimes conciously and other times unconsiously. Both times do damage and both times do not help me progress as a human being. .

Progression takes work, the work which I don't want to put in the time's too hard. It's too long and right now it doesn't seem worth it. All the hard things were supposed to be in high school, in college, in "growing up" but now that I'm grown up, shouldn't it all be easy, hunkey dorey "let's have kids together and live happily ever after"...i'm pining for a Disney movie, a comedic storyline for a life that just ain't possible. My psyche thinks it is so it keeps searching for it, but it isn't there and it never will be. How is that ok? I want it be ok, and want to be rational and open minded about life, why am I not?

How do you find peace in the simplicity of life, the everyday ins and outs where there isn't always the exciting "I need to write this down in my journal for kids to read some day" moments? Sometimes we wake up, get ready, go to work, come home , eat and go to bed again. Is that ok?
Is it ok to just do those things?
Is it going to change whether I get into the celestial kingdom or whether I have seven kids or whether I'm a good person at the end of the day? No. What it does though is it provides the carnal needs of life like food, shelter, comfort, warmth, water, and many other things which I personally take for granted far more often than I should...Why?
Why do I need so much stimulant?

I'm not sure I can even answer that question now.
What do I need to be happy and satisfied with life?
Why am I so whiny?
The world may never know....