Tuesday, May 9, 2017

A Missed Opportunity

Everyone is having their babies.
I'm happy for them, I truly am
But there is a part of me that hurts
A place deep inside my person that is angry
Angry that my body didn't work, how it was made to work
Saddened that I will not be holding a new baby in June
Resentful of others who had no complications
Those who are blessed with their first baby I have no problem with
The ones where they are given a second, I hate   envy
I envy and I'm sorry I can't talk about the joy you are experiencing
I'm sorry that I can't spend hours truly asking about how you are
I'm not strong enough to do that yet
I'm not ready to completely let go of what could have been
I have a month and a half before the reality truly hits
The reality to have another child, we have to try for another
We have to take the risk of the possibility of something happening, again
That risk seems too great to conquer
Too tall to scale
So, for the time being it's a waiting game
Waiting for everyone to calm down about their joy and get into the flow of their lives
While I writhe in silent pain that sneaks up at the most inopportune times

Sunday, September 18, 2016

PMS

Gosh Dang it-Freaking Heck. (That's mormon swearing for ya)

Yesterday was the pits. Mr. M wasn't feeling well and was near having a panic attack, so we both decided it would be better for him to trying and sleep those feelings away. It did the trick, but my day was less than stellar.

I got a lot done. I was able to go to the store, get the necessities that we were missing and head back home. I really wanted to paint something, so I bought a canvas, never ended up painting but it sure made me feel better to buy it. I think that I have an impulse buying problem. It is fun to just buy something and then you regret it later...unless it's hot cheetos and you're hella glad you bought those suckers. I don't care if they are ripping out my intestinal lining, they are dang good.

Little Call has begun saying, "Oh gosh" while placing his hands on his face like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, whenever he does something "wrong"; intentionally or unintentionally. This kid is a riot, but I have to keep checking myself that I am not getting irritated over the small things merely because I am tired. I shouldn't be getting irritated at him for exploring the world. Sometimes it results in milk on the floor...but you know what, that is easily cleared up and it is an opportunity for us to teach him to clean up after is messes. Not that he does it EVERY TIME but neither do adults, so I think he is getting by quite well, in my humble opinion as his mother.

Resurfaced to yesterday. I spent a good 20 minutes recording myself on the phone (sometimes I believe that God is listening better if I am recording it on the phone), put my sunglasses on and just cried while waiting at the longest light in the city, doesn't help that it is only one lane with a light that stays green for 2.5 seconds letting in only 2-3 cars---if you're fast and willing to risk your life before the perpendicular light turns green. I cried. I cried about everything that popped up in my head. I cried about people who die before the average age. I cried over babies that don't make it a day in this life. I cried about the possibility of that being it. I cried over the possibility that my faith is merely a fabrication or a place holder for hoping-only hoping--that I do get to have my husband and children forever. That's what it promises. That is the whole plan of salvation that we teach, that families can be together forever through the sealing power of the Holy Ghost. What a lovely thought.

I heard a conference talk this morning by Dieter F. Uchtdorf that is called, "He will place you on his shoulders, and carry you home"  that explained the moments where we don't know for sure if the lord is there, is anything is true, or if we really have the faith to know that what we are taught will come to pass. He says, " It requires a little faith. But do not despair. If you cannot muster faith right now, begin with hope.
If you cannot say you know God is there, you can hope that He is. You can desire to believe. That is enough to start.Then, acting on that hope, reach out to Heavenly Father. God will extend His love toward you, and His work of rescue and transformation will begin.Over time, you will recognize His hand in your life. You will feel His love. And the desire to walk in His light and follow His way will grow with every step of faith you take.
We call these steps of faith “obedience.”
I have hope that all will work out, even if right now it does not feel that way.



Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Mr. M's parents came into yesterday. They live only a few hours away, so it is an easy drive for either us to make to see the others.

We were able to partake of some yummy food, watch them interact with Little L and above all, spend time with there amazingness.

We have such a great life. It is different than most, but it works for us. I love having a job that I want to go to, I love having a husband who LOVES me unconditionally. We have a mutual understanding (I've had to learn over the years) that honesty really is the best policy, especially in marriage. He understands me more when I am frank and honest. (That sounds like a metal band of some sort)

Tomorrow I go back to work for pre-service, don't know what it entails, but I am excited. Then a week of training, a week off, and we are back to a full year of 2nd grade! I am such a nerd, like I've said before I am excited, if not anxious, and immersed in trying to learn how to be a better teacher with the down time I have had. "The First Days of School" is an excellent book for any aspiring, veteran, or even stay-at-home parent who would like to manage their school or home better. :)

Saturday, July 30, 2016

It's summer and school is fast approaching.
We haven't done much this summer; visited St. George, went swimming a couple times, and watched a ton of Netflix.
It has been so hot here that it feels like we live in the pit of hell somewhere.
I am ready and not ready for school to start. I keep going back to school to work on little things that I can be in control of.
Here at home, I feel bad for Mr. M. He has such a hard time with the small things.
I try to tell him that everyone has something, but I know it still gets him down from time to time.
Brain injuries are hard knock in life.

Little C. is full swing toddler with more energy that we can fit into a day. It's back and forth, chasing and whaling. Jumping and throwing. Yelling and screaming "hi". His vocabulary is expanding everyday thanks to starfall, books, and different shows on Netflix.

Currently reading "To Kill a Mockingbird" I'm convinced I'm going to read through all 100 books on Time's "Most influential books". This book is #1.

I love my job. I love teaching and I am SO excited to go to training and learn more about where I work. I have almost all of the bulletin boards covered and ready to go. I just need to finish the ones out in the hall. I'm thinking a teen titans or avengers display with various cheers that are taken from school. It should be super cute, with the help of the projector as a tracing tool. I love tracing. Everyone thinks I am this awesome artist, when I merely traced, cut and glued.

I got a breast exam the other day. I had a small little cyst growing in my right breast, but they are more than 90% sure it isn't cancerous, but they want me to check back in 6 months time to see if anything changes.

Thanks all!

Monday, May 30, 2016

Understandable

It's hard when you feel like you don't understand someone, when the actions they chose to effect more than themselves. It's a partnership, don't you know it's meant to be a cohesive unit, tied together with more than tape and glue. Each moment is surrounded by a "what if", "will I be seeing you", or "I didn't realize what I did". Countless hours of fairytale immersion, which gives way to fantasy unattainable in this life. 

Each day, I love you more---each day you crawl away.
Each day, I wait for you ---each day you don't know how long I wait.
Each day, I worry, wonder, wish, support, will, and surrender.

Each day I try to understand--- 
understandably, each day, I'm not able to. 

Monday, September 21, 2015

Bogged Down

Haven't written in months, seems like years. The tapping of the keys is a friendly reminder that I can write whatever comes to my mind without a second thought. That's the thing about the internet, most of the things posted, written, or spoken of don't matter. They don't matter to you and they don't matter to me. Even me writing this post write now won't apply to anyone but me. It's an online journal, that's all it is.

I wish I was able to put on the facade of saying "everything's ok." "I'm doing fine" ...when I feel anything but that.

I'm tired.
I'm stressed.



But it's just a void that comes and goes. There's no way to describe it. Somedays I'm fine and others I'm not.