Sunday, November 28, 2010

Just like my blog title

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.
It takes courage to not be selfish
It takes courage to stand up to what isn't right
It takes courage to continue fighting for something you know is right
It takes courage to climb a hurtle, no matter what it is
It takes courage to say what you need to say
It takes courage to be who you want to be
And It takes courage to do what YOU feel is right, when everything else is raging against you, when life seems to be too easy and a bump in the road is thrown into the mix, when life seems hopeless from a stupid choice, when you wake up and realize the thing you've done, when you know life will be ok, when you know that everything will turn out for the best, when you know that it IS all worth fighting for.
THAT is when we start to grow up and become who we really are, and by that time we notice that we've been scared the whole time but we haven't taken a moment to let ourselves realize. THAT is the true change of heart, and that is what can move mountains, split oceans, and create wonderful moments no one would ever care to forget.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really takes courage to continue on after somethings got you down. But in the end, it is SO worth it.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Unexpected Tears

This is a story about LDC I fear that I may talk about it too much; either through messaging, talking, facebook, etc. But it and the experiences that happen within LDC have been my rock for the past little while so I cannot not talk about it.

Tuesday in LDC I was scheduled to give a devotional at the beginning of class before we started working on music. I had everything prepared, scripture ready, personal story, and musical selection I was to sing before the class. I was prepared for sure, or so I thought. I got up in front of the class took a deep breath and dove right into to what I wanted to say it went a little something like this:

"I feel in someways I have walked int he same path as Alma the Younger. For sometime I didn't necessarily reject the gospel. but I fought against in my mind. I would always ask questions, bes satisfied with the answer given for but a moment. The next day I would continue on in life not actin on what was told me before. I was wading through the river of life. I was taking the "easy" way, or so I thought. Things happen in everyone's lives, we make decisions we regret, we make decisions that we don't regret yet we say to ourselves, "what was I thinking?" The past few years have been some of the most trying times in my life spiritually. I look back now and am flabbergasted that I am standing here today taller spiritually. Even though at times I didn't want to talk with God because I felt unworthy and unfit, even though I don't always do all I should, even though I make stupid decisions sometimes not thinking before acting, "I know that time brings change and change takes time." Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are always there just as they were for Alma the Younger. They never will leave our side. ---I have a scripture I want to read from Mosiah 27:28-29...
"Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God. My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity, I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more."

I broke down at the end of the verse, I was flooded with emotion; my heart was racing and I just couldn't stop crying. I don't cry, I have never cried when I have felt the spirit but this time was different. It was odd and I wasn't sure how to deal with it so I just continued the best I could. The accompanist started playing and I squeaked out the words to the song. I tried my best to sing through my sobs, I tried to covey the message of the song, the best I could. I felt an overwhelming joy, I felt a new and I felt like everything was going to be OK in my life. I felt the spirit more than I have in a very long time, it is a feeling that I will not soon forget, if EVER forget. I took me by surprise, cause if you know me, you know that I don't cry when I feel the spirit. ---This time was definitely different, and if the devotional was for anyone it was for me. It was so incredible for me personally that I don't have words to even give justice to what I felt. Sure, I felt a bit silly for sobbing in front of 60 people who I see everyday, but I think it was worth, at least to me. I needed to feel that, and I know the Lord wanted me to feel it and that is all that matters.

This is the song I sang for the Devotional, it is one that I fell upon in high school, a dear friend sent it to me. It is a song that has gotten me through many long and lonely nights crying to myself and talking with God about my life and how I would get through the present trial. It is very dear to my heart, pay particular attention to the words, they are wonderful.
(River God)

Rolling River God
Little Stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So I am a stone
rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill

But when I close my eyes
and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
and change takes time
And when the sunset comes
my prayer would be just this one
that you might pick me up
and notice that I am
just a little smoother in your hand

Sometimes raging wild
sometimes swollen high
never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of you
is where I want to stay
and feel the sharpest edges wash away

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I want to paint

Yesterday afternoon I was feeling a bit fat, because I hadn't been excersising or running in the past week so I decided that I was going to go workout at curves. I got all dressed and ready for the gym, stepped outside looked up at the clouds and stopped dead in my tracks.
There was the one of the most beautiful sunsets I have seen in awhile.

Little blurp: I love this time of the year, there is something going on up the atmosphere on this earth that makes the sunset so dang beautiful, every year during this time. It is quite magical.

As I was saying, I stopped in my tracks looked up and beheld a gorgeous piece of work that God had given me to look at. The oranges, yellows, a splash of pink and some purples thrown in there too. I decided NOT to go workout at curves, I decided to go on a run up 400 south so that I could stare at this sunset for whatever time was remaining. So I began my run and forgot about everything else in the world besides this sunset. I ran to Glee's version of "Singing in the Rain/Umbrella" for some reason it seemed to fit and I had slight want of a sudden rainstorm to start (but sadly nothing happened) The sunset slowly faded away, taking with it the gorgeous rays of the sun, brings in the rolling clouds and dark night.

Oh, and I want to start painting, why must it be so much money!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Hey pretty lady

I'm answering a friend's question: What are you grateful for?
Sadly, I don't think about this question very often. I go through the motions of life expecting or wanting more than I have, rarely taking time to sit down and count my blessings and really contemplate what I AM thankful for. So let me indulge for this little moment in the things that I am grateful for.

Starting out: I am grateful for my life. I'll be honest some days I loathe my life, I hate what is happening and I ask the question, "Why me?" but there are those days when everything is wonderful. Like today for instance, which leads into the next thing that I am grateful for LDC. Latter-day Celebration choir at the institute. I love it. At the beginning of the year Bro. Eggett was talking with the choir and said that some people that were let into the choir, the choir needed. Others, like myself, needed the choir. Everyday is a spiritual experience, there are moments when I can't believe that the spirit filled the room as it just did. This morning the choir woke up at 5, met at the institute at 5:40 to drive down to Salem, UT to sing to some early morning high school students. When we got there we surrounded the kids and we sang our songs, as always the spirit was there, we sounded wonderful and there were just moments where you could tell and KNOW that this gospel is true. Which the the next thing I am thankful for.

I am grateful for The gospel of Jesus Christ. I have never ever been one with my own testimony, for years I would always bounce around, listen to others and base mine off of what others would say. But recently (since I got into LDC) I have wanted to really find out the answers to these questions. So I have been reading, praying, and trying to listen as closely as I could to the spirit. The change in my heart has been astounding. I can recognize the spirit at the drop of a hat, I get confirmation to questions in class while we are singing. And I now have a testimony of the restored gospel and of Joseph Smith. I KNOW that Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ. I don't know how I know, but I know. And it is the first time in my life that I can type of say that without feeling the regret of, "maybe I don't know..." I'm grateful that the Lord was and is still patient with me in everyday of my life. I'm not perfect and I'm not doing all that I should every hour of everyday, but I'm trying. I am grateful I have the ability and coherence to try.

I am grateful for my friends namely: Veraunica, Ashleigh, Shelby, Blue, Erin, Liesl, and all others who except me for who I am. Where I can sing loudly in the car and they won't stare at me like i'm crazy...(well maybe the will, but we cool like that) They will quote movies with me, cry with me, give me advice when I don't know where to turn. And love me no matter the decisions I make and help me to be better. I need to let them know how much they mean to me, I don't know if I let them know enough. Thanks guys. I am grateful for my mom and her smile every day, her worries about me, her want to help in anyway she can, and I'm SO grateful for her cooking skills. mmm

I am grateful for the little small beauties that God gives us. The sun shining through the clouds, the majestic mountain landscape we get to take in everyday, the cool night air and the stars above. I am so grateful for the beauty of the earth. I am grateful for opportunities to have those quiet moments just to sit and ponder and learn about yourself. I am grateful for trials, they make us grow. I have seen the good that comes from them even if I don't see it until later down the road. I am grateful for so many things that I could go on for hours. But I will stop here.

It's crazy to think of how much we take for granted, once you start counting your blessings and realizing how much you are grateful for you realize just how fantastic your life really is.

What are you grateful for?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Just some wishes

Let's get real:

I want to have more money
I want to be more confident
I want to get married
I want to have a place of my own
I want to have a family of my own
I want to right wrongs
I want to have continuous sunshine
I want to have warm rain
I want to sing loudly without complaint
I want to go to BYU
I want to be graduated
I want to be sure about the future
I want to have a second chance
I want to be known
I want to be uncontrolled
I want to be sure
I want to make decisions on a whim
I want to eat without worrying about calories
I want to cook a 7 course meal
I want to kiss underneath the stars
I want to wish upon the moon
I want to lay in a pile of fall colored leaves giggling at life and it's fun features
I want to cry the pain away
I want to breathe in the cold air
I want to be the person i've always wanted to be
I want to share my testimony
I want to be there for my friends, like they've been there for me
I want to be someone people will remember
I want to have lasting relationships
I want to make a difference in someone's life
I want to remember the good days
I want to learn from the bad
I want to find something i'm passionate about
I want to live each day as if it were my last

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Turning over a new colored leaf

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I can breathe, even though my nose is stuffed with about a gallon of snot. Where I can look around and see that life is in fact beautiful, there isn't enough time to take everything in that is good. I feel a new sense of power or strength, which I haven't felt in the last few months. I was broken, and I'm slowly putting my life back together. I am learning new things about myself, realizing things I once knew and our returning to the fore front of my mind. I'm growing. I'm growing taller spiritually and confidently, I can stand my own and tell someone my opinion of something without the apprehension. It's an odd feeling to break barriers or control something in life.
I was reading a friend of mine's blog the other day and the whole blog was about her, and how amazing she was. How individuality made her beautiful and if people didn't like they didn't have to like her. She was saying that she was proud to be in her skin. She was grateful for experiences given to her and the kind of person that she is becoming and still growing to be. I would like to now take that same route and talk about myself for a moment.

I am short, but I feel that people see me for much more than just my size. I can have an impact on people through a gift that was given to me by my Heavenly Father. He gave me the love of music and the ability to share my passion for it through song. I am individual, I am unique. There is not one person on this earth that is exactly or even remotely like me. Sure we may share different traits but as a whole I am singular, no plurals of me. I can act crazy dancing, singing, and driving in my car and i'm ok with it, i'm comfortable in skin. I enjoy who I am. I love who I am. I may not be happy with certain aspects of my life at times, or I may covet what others have, but by golly I love myself. And I am proud of that fact. I have so much to give the world and I'm just barely realizing this, I have so much promise and so much good I can do.It's crazy that moments of pure sadness can help me realize the potential I have and what I can conquer.

I love my life, I love my friends, my family and everything in between.
I better start praying because life is just going way too good...something bad is bound to happen.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Don't mean to dwell but ...

this is the story of my life...

And if you're visual HERE are the lyrics: