Tuesday in LDC I was scheduled to give a devotional at the beginning of class before we started working on music. I had everything prepared, scripture ready, personal story, and musical selection I was to sing before the class. I was prepared for sure, or so I thought. I got up in front of the class took a deep breath and dove right into to what I wanted to say it went a little something like this:
"I feel in someways I have walked int he same path as Alma the Younger. For sometime I didn't necessarily reject the gospel. but I fought against in my mind. I would always ask questions, bes satisfied with the answer given for but a moment. The next day I would continue on in life not actin on what was told me before. I was wading through the river of life. I was taking the "easy" way, or so I thought. Things happen in everyone's lives, we make decisions we regret, we make decisions that we don't regret yet we say to ourselves, "what was I thinking?" The past few years have been some of the most trying times in my life spiritually. I look back now and am flabbergasted that I am standing here today taller spiritually. Even though at times I didn't want to talk with God because I felt unworthy and unfit, even though I don't always do all I should, even though I make stupid decisions sometimes not thinking before acting, "I know that time brings change and change takes time." Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are always there just as they were for Alma the Younger. They never will leave our side. ---I have a scripture I want to read from Mosiah 27:28-29...
"Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God. My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity, I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more."
I broke down at the end of the verse, I was flooded with emotion; my heart was racing and I just couldn't stop crying. I don't cry, I have never cried when I have felt the spirit but this time was different. It was odd and I wasn't sure how to deal with it so I just continued the best I could. The accompanist started playing and I squeaked out the words to the song. I tried my best to sing through my sobs, I tried to covey the message of the song, the best I could. I felt an overwhelming joy, I felt a new and I felt like everything was going to be OK in my life. I felt the spirit more than I have in a very long time, it is a feeling that I will not soon forget, if EVER forget. I took me by surprise, cause if you know me, you know that I don't cry when I feel the spirit. ---This time was definitely different, and if the devotional was for anyone it was for me. It was so incredible for me personally that I don't have words to even give justice to what I felt. Sure, I felt a bit silly for sobbing in front of 60 people who I see everyday, but I think it was worth, at least to me. I needed to feel that, and I know the Lord wanted me to feel it and that is all that matters.
This is the song I sang for the Devotional, it is one that I fell upon in high school, a dear friend sent it to me. It is a song that has gotten me through many long and lonely nights crying to myself and talking with God about my life and how I would get through the present trial. It is very dear to my heart, pay particular attention to the words, they are wonderful.
(River God)
Rolling River God
Little Stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So I am a stone
rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill
CHORUS:
But when I close my eyes
and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
and change takes time
And when the sunset comes
my prayer would be just this one
that you might pick me up
and notice that I am
just a little smoother in your hand
Sometimes raging wild
sometimes swollen high
never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of you
is where I want to stay
and feel the sharpest edges wash away
2 comments:
Goodness, that's a HUGE deal for you, Brianna. I'm happy for you, though. It's impressive.
Believe it or not, but there are a vast amount of people who feel the exact same way. For the longest time I thought I COULDN'T cry. I was incapable of even FORCING tears out. And, like you, I have felt like Alma the younger on so many occasions. Sometimes I even like to think that my life actually mirrors his: Born into the gospel, yet a convert; inactive as a youth, trying to destroy the work of God; miraculous experiences that brought about life altering changes, eventually leading to a love of the gospel that far surpasses everything else. He is, without a doubt, my favorite prophet.
I'm glad you had such an amazing experience. I really loved it. We'll have to talk some time, swap stories. I would love to hear more about your life experiences.
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