hey world!

Hey! Sorry about all the ranting and raving these last couple posts, i have just been trying to figure out life as we know it and surprisingly it has been a larger endeavor than I had ever imagined! But hey, everyone goes through large ups and very large downs. I know this from, well, personal experience. And clearly even though the tough times come around, there is always a silver lining, or star on the horizion, or greener grass on the other side. Whatever one applies to you, it will always come up. Maybe not in the time frame you would like it to, but when it does it hits hard with a force unimaginable until you feel it pounding at your door and you can't wait to open it, and when you finally get up the courage there is a weight released off your shoulders and you can breathe and look around and remember the beautiful things in life once more. Work hard in school again, continue making new acquaintances, and helping grow spiritually, physically and emotionally.

There is this quote that I found a little while back while working at work one day. Harriet Beecher Stowe said it and i'm pretty sure it is my favorite quote now. Along with 2 nephi 2 : 13 being my new favorite scripture.

" When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then for that is just the time and place that the tide with turn. "

My tide has turned for good :)

LOVE IT!

The contemplations which never end in a surety of the times before us

Have you ever wanted to take a step back in time and do something over or just have the oppotunity of trying again? Seeing how different life may be if you chose the other path.

Have you ever stared at a choice you were about to make and trying to figure out the outcome of your actions?

Does it really make a large difference to what happens in life on whether you choose an apple or banana that morning for breakfast, or just skip out on breakfast all together?

Once you make those decisions are they set in stone, never to be revisited? Do you just have to be happy or content with where you small and seemingly unimportant choices have led you?

That sounds like leaving life up to chance.

I thought that's not what you're supposed to do

But how do you grab hold of the rules of the game when you didn't even know they were there to change things around? Are we all just having to wait and make rash and quick decisions about the most important gift given to us. I hope not, but sometimes it feels that way.

Sometimes

there isn't enough time to think it through

think of about the positives

Negatives

and

possibilities

Sometimes life feels like a maze and I think mine is at a dead end at the moment and i'm not sure whether I should jump the wall or turn back around and find another route. But i don't know how to do that .

I don't know how to be impulsive and alone

I feed on human companionship. Whoa, that just sounds wierd. I thrive (that's a better word) on friends, boyfriends, not sure what friends, acquaintances, and just a nice person who smiles down the street. They make me happy, and strong and leave me with a sense of meaning and worth in this world.

But people get busy, or I just get paranoid and feel like if i haven't seen a certain person in a day or two then i'll go crazy but they are busy and have a life other than me in it. Bleh. They have friends and school and sports and just more of a life than me, at least now. And sometimes I feel that I drive them away...because they never want me around, am i that annoying? Shoot...maybe I am.

Anyway, some of these instances wanting to go back in time and start over. Not sending that stupid text or not saying that stupid thing or just being plain stupid or overbearing. Happen to me often including right now and this past week in general.

I need something to do in my life. I need ambition again and the drive to do something extrodinary. At least to me. So if anyone has any ideas for my brighter than now life, they would be greatly appreciated.

One Year Later

Today is September 8, 2009

One Year ago, one of the best ladies past away.

My Grandma.

She was one of my best friends and a friend to everyone. Someone who would always smile and be there when i wanted to talk about something. She was someone who always made me want to be better. And sometimes I forget that.

I miss her dearly, and want to live up to the things that I promised her a year ago. Which I haven't succeeded in doing this past year. I hope that she is doing as much good as she did on this earth up in heaven. Because that is definitely where she belongs. She is probably beating all the other angels at cloud shooting or just having the time of her afterlife with her dear James. Who has now been gone 12 years. Both are probably running the place up there. Haha.

Well, I hope that when/if my grandma looks down on me that she is proud of me. And I hope that she knows I love her and always will. And miss her.

Love you Grandma Joy

Is it ok...

Is it OK to feel sorry for myself?
Is it OK to mourn the loss of something great?
Is it OK to be hopeless and feel inadequate?
Is it OK to think you weren't supposed to do something but you did it anyway?
Is it OK to think you were doing the right things but it turns out it wasn't?
It is OK to keep going on about this and continuing to ask unanswered questions?

I feel like I have a gift...maybe it isn't what I thought.
Have I been using it the wrong way, because everything that try to use it in never comes out the way I was hoping.

I wonder if people lie to me...about my ability or lack there of. Do they just tell me what they think i want to hear...or do they actually believe what they are telling, but never give me a chance.

I feel
s
a
d

I feel embarrassed

I feel like it isn't worth
Trying anymore

...maybe i'm supposed to stay hidden...

Unnoticed
Unloved
Underestimated

Always to sit in sidelines and watch others do what I yearn and only dream to do. Is there ever a moment when my dreams will be able to become reality? Even for a moment, a second, a passing by thought... I would be OK with that.

I just want my shot

My Chance

My Opportunity

But I don't think i'm ever going to do be able to do that, because I can't embrace my fear and get over it.

And the only one who's fault that is,
Mine.

....and i can't change it.