God and I

     Over this past semester I have had a horrible relationship with my Heavenly Father. It isn't anything that he has done, it is the things that I haven't been doing.
I haven't been reading my scriptures.
I haven't been paying attention in institute.
I haven't been going to the temple.
I haven't been feeling the spirit in church.
I haven't been doing my visiting teaching.
I haven't been praying.
     ...and this morning I had the surprising thought of, "I don't really need the church, there are plenty of people who live in the world without the gospel and they are fine, happy even..."
I went about my morning, attending my three hour psychology class and wondering if I'd be able to see my dear cousin Ashleigh after class. Sometimes we have the opportunity to walk to the institute together and then we part ways, she heads to institute and I head home before work or just to do homework. It turns out today that she was standing out in the hall and was waiting for me which made me incredibly happy seeing as I haven't been able to see her in what feels like eons.
     Every Friday the institute has a speaker come and speak for a devotional, I usually don't attend. Today Ashleigh suggested that I come with her because I had met the woman who was speaking a few months earlier on a bible walk (13.1 miles) I hesitated for a moment, thinking about the homework I needed to get done but pushed the thought aside and after a free snack/lunch from Ashleigh we headed to the institute to find a seat in the chapel.
     Kris Belcher was the woman speaking who I had met on the walk many months ago. She was blind from cancer in her eyes which had come and gone twice in her life. Before I tell more about what I learned from her talk I want to take moment to explain what happened in the opening song.
     There are two choirs at the institute, LDC which I sang in for awhile which is auditioned choir and then the other being a non-audition choir for anyone and everyone who would like to sing. The Non-auditioned choir sang a beautiful song which I actually had the opportunity to sing in my High School Chamber choir, which has a special place in my heart. It talks all about Christ and the First Noel (which in fact means, "The first Christmas") Some of the lyrics are:

"If this Child were born today,

In a manger on the hay

Would we see a king would we hear angels sing.

If the star were shining bright 

Would we notice in the night

We would be the ones to see the Savior come."

     As they were singing I felt a familiar but recently unfamiliar feeling a warm rush as though a loving embrace were enveloping my whole body. I couldn't help but sing along and let the rushing which emulated from my heart pass through my whole body creating a warm and joyous feeling. I realized in that moment that I missed it. I missed feeling the spirit so strongly and so powerfully through the power of music. I used to feel it all the time while I was singing in LDC, but since then I haven't given myself the chance to feel it....I tend to cry profusely when I feel the spirit brought on by song.   

I sat there after the song and just zoned out into my own thoughts. I felt my heart send a prayer up to God in that moment to forgive me for being so negligent in the reading of my scriptures and praying and talking with him. I felt like a child, a small child who had forgotten how much her parents really loved her.

    Sister Belcher's talk was humorous and lighthearted but also incredibly uplifting and revelation packed. She spoke about how she had become blind  being born with tumors behind her eyes which needed be removed. Her parents, following the spirit eventually got her to a doctor that wouldn't remove her eyes but give radiation to them. Over the years as she grew she had incredible eye sight until one day when another tumor started to grow and made it so she lost vision in her left eye. Later in life another tumor appeared which was so big that they had to disconnect her optic nerve. She was then completely in darkness and had to function in life differently. She spoke of how trials make life worth living, they give us the opportunity to be refined, to be polished and bring us closer to Christ. 

    If you know me well this will not come as a surprise, I love quotes. If I could slather my whole home with them I would but then the ones that meant the most wouldn't be able to stand out. Although I did write down a few quotes from her talk that stuck out to me:

"We are made the way we are so that the works of God can be made manifest in us."

"It takes more faith to live through the problem, then to have it taken away."

"Heavenly Father, let me know thy will and give me the courage to live it."

"I can laugh, laughter is a miracle and sometimes you need to laugh to not cry"

"If you want a better you can believe in God and hope for one..."

     One of her closing remarks really struck me hard especially considering how I been feeling spiritually as of late. "Seeing is a want, not a need" First reaction, wait what? "Seeing is a want...not a need" I sat there thinking about that not hearing the next sentences she was saying as I continued to ponder what she had just said. A thought then struck me, "Jesus Christ is real, you may want to see him but you don't need to, to know that he is there, alive, and aware of you." 

Oh. My. Goodness. God is real. He is there even if I don't take the time to let him know, that I KNOW he exists. 

     God and I we've had an interesting relationship. He has always been there through everything in my life. There were times in my life that I never thought I could be who I knew I was capable of being. God and I, are family. He is my Father in Heaven. He is. Jesus Christ is my brother. He is. God is real. God is there. 

"We do not need to see the light to know it exists."

I know now that the thought that I had received earlier that was day was a bunch of hog-wash. I will always need this gospel in my life. I couldn't be and will as happy without as I am with it. It completes everything that I need and breathe. 

This gospel is my life.

It is my lifestyle. 

It is so true guys.

If don't know it yourself or have had a thought about seeking more information about the LDS/Mormon church than do it. It will change your life forever. 

It will make into something you never thought you could experience. 

A little bit sappy, A little bit busy

I'll be honest, I have been SO busy.

I'm a lover of feet pictures...I think I might print this one.

     Right now I am taking 16 credits in school, having to write a complete synopsis of what happened in a three week classroom teaching experience, apply it to psychology terms and writing many pointless papers about the history of education and getting a point or two docked off my papers just because the professor doesn't want to hand out an "A". I work hard in my classes and the professor(s) decide to not give every detail they need for projects, dock unnecessary points, or just want to screw us over...then again they have been incredibly helpful, open to questions and interested in us doing well. They really do want us to succeed in this program instead of fail. They want us to be incredible teachers and even though I don't feel I will be adequately prepared for my own classroom in less than a year and a half like one of my professors said, "You will fail, but you learn. You will cry, a lot. If not every day in the comfort of your home, you will cry in your classroom, to your spouse, or in your car on the way home." I'm a crier...I'm ready for this.
     I am working 20-30 hours a week at a job that I would call anything but my dream job. Most nights there really is nothing to do and sometimes the people I work with get on my nerves...but isn't that true with anyone that you spend too much time with?
     On that note, I was field partners (in the classroom experience for three weeks) with one of my best friends and it was a great time until we spent WAY too much time together. It was as if I didn't want to cooperate and I didn't want to collaborate on anything with her. I was so fed up with her taking over parts of the lesson plan that was mine, and telling me that I wasn't being forceful enough, and all in all a bad teacher. When I reflect back on it now we were both exhausted, both a bit hyped up on "I need to do well in this classroom and it's hard sharing the "stage" as a teacher" plus we just spent too much time together. When my friend and I were younger we would have week long sleepovers and by the end of the week we literally loathed each other and basically stopped talking to each other for a week just to have some air space away from each other. I think that happened this time in field. We love each other, but we just spent too much time together and therefore got sick of each other. I think it is good she is taking a nice vacation in D.C. for the weekend and I am here in Utah. I think I will like her along with continuing to love her more when she gets back and we've had sometime away from each other. I really do love and appreciate her as my friend and I would do anything for her at the drop of a hat. Just a saying, love her tons.

Am I the only one who has spent too much time with a best friend and then had to take some time away from them to blow off crazy girl steam and than everything was fine? 

This is my stage makeup...I love lipstick,
I'm not sure why I don't wear it more often.

    Matt and I are participating in the Hale Center Theater Orem's production of "A Christmas Carol" this December, we are both members of the mood setting Choir. He a tenor and I a Soprano. We had a first preview last night which went great beside me completely forgetting the words to the second verse of "Deck the Halls"...haha it's Deck. See. then Fast. (Those are the three verses in a form I hopefully won't forget) I don't know why but I keep psyching myself out and end up messing up the words even though I know that I know them. Blah. Matt and I have the. best. costumes. His is made up of some fancy red, blue, green, and black plaid pants with a beautiful blue jacket and black top hat (He was made for this era in time) which is accompanied well in my pink "cupcake" dress with adorning curls on either side of my face. I absolutely love my costume! I can't get over how much I love it. It makes me feel super pretty, feminine and dare I say, sexy? Haha, even people in Dickens time needed to feel that on occasion I'm sure.
    Like I said, "I am SO busy" Work, Show, School, Husband, ....haven't had time to clean the apartment...I hope that there isn't a smell that is starting to grow out of the pile of dishes left in the sink, the unattended toilet seat, and bathroom counter still covered in Halloween blood and makeup...
    If anyone wants to come clean my apartment I'll cook you dinner, or just hug you oober tight.
    No, I'm just kidding.

By the way here's the sappy part that the title lead onto:

I love my husband.

Did you see that one coming? Haha. 

But really, I'm serious. I truly head over heels love my husband and lately I have been kind of a whiny, crappy, sicky wife pants. I haven't been treating him as he deserves to be treated especially considering all he does for me. 

Stupid wife moment: The other day I discovered this horrible canker in my mouth...scratch that it was more of a crater in my mouth and it hurt so. bad. I was complaining about how bad it hurt but I wouldn't let Matt got to the store to get medicine for me because I'm a hard head and I think we don't have money (which we do, we actually are very well off in newly married terms). So here I am withering (over-dramatic) in pain at rehearsal and Matt says that after we finish that he was going to drive to Macey's to get some oralgel to put on it. We drove to Macey's and I sat in the car like a little child because I was "too tired" and "hurting too much" to get my butt off the car seat and walk into Macey's holding my husband's hand. He comes back a mere 10 minutes later and drives me home. I put some of the stuff on and head to bed but continue to whine about the pain insueing in my mouth. Matt offers to got get dissolvable bandaids for cankers and I gave in and let him go. I feel asleep while he was gone and when he returned he gently tried to wake me up. What did I do? I snapped at him. Here was the conversation that followed (I was a ....*****)

Matt: Hey Babe I have something that will help the canker

Me: Oh man Matt turn off the light and just turn on the lamp

(The lamp was on)

Matt: Babe the lamp is on, now you need to put this stuff on your canker, it will help

Me: *Groan*

Matt: Babe look here and see what I have.

Me: I'll put it on myself! *Grabs the Oralgel and slams the door after stomping into the bathroom*

Matt: ....*heads to bed*

Me: *Comes back to bed* I'm sorry Matt that was rude...I'm just tired...and I hurt... *Snore*

Matt: *Pats me on the back*

The sad thing? I don't remember anything from that night and I don't remember being that rude to him and I never want to coherently be that rude to him again. It was ridiculous and competely uncalled for, but if he hasn't left me seeing me like that I don't think he ever will. 

    He is amazing and I am so blessed to have him in my life...I think my next post will just be an "all about my husband post" why? I want to. I feel like I haven't written about how truly grateful I am for him in awhile. It's high time I do it more frequently and express it vocally. I love him and I never want him to feel that I don't, I don't know what I would do without him, ever. 

If read this all or even parts of this, props to you. Now go drink some hot chocolate or go buy a Cocoamotion at Walmart and a can of Mint Truffle Hot Chocolate and drink ALL OF IT! Ok, You don't have to. 

You don't fail till you stop trying...

I read this workout blog and because I have no time write because of the mass mound of homework sitting next to me. I would like to pass on what she said about keeping your head above water and continuing to try.

"...Last night, I was speaking with a friend of mine last night and we were talking about working hard and how to live life the way you dream it…it was one of those inspirational life talks. You know what I mean right? I was saying something about how I felt like there was so much going on, how overwhelmed I was, and how I felt so spread thin that nothing was going anywhere. But he reminded me a few things:
#1. Everything’s just fine. Stop worrying, it’s a waste of your energy. Keep chugging along and choose happiness.
#2. Hard work pays off. That’s just how the universe works. 
#3. You don’t fail until you stop trying. 
The last one resonated with me like you wouldn’t believe. I shared it on twitter and FB right away. I had never really thought about failure and success in that way…
You are not a failure until you become a quitter.
People who are successful are persistent and resilient. I mean, seriously, if you keep trying, you will eventually get where you want to go! You will. You just can’t stop until you get there.
So guys, today the thought I wanna leave with you is this:
You may fall a million times but it’s how you get back up that makes you stronger!
Hope you can apply this to the way you choose to live life passionately. I believe in you and so should you. You’re beautiful, full of character, and unique. You can do ANYTHING..."

Check out her blog at: http://www.blogilates.com/feelings/you-cant-fail-until-you-stop-trying

I can finish this education homework.
I can finish cleaning my apartment.
I can get back into better shape.
I can get back into eating better and more healthy.
I can be accomplished and pass my classes.
 

I'm blogging from inside my bathroom

True that statement. I really am blogging from inside my bathroom. Why? It's the warmest part of the apartment, that's why.

Our Thanksgiving weekend was fantastic! Filled with fast road trips, chasing nieces and nephews, eating plenty of turkey among other things.

Here's our Turkey weekend Timeline:

We drove down to St. George at 5:30 in the morning. We arrived at 9:30am and spent the entire day with Matt's side of the family.  

 We took the nieces and nephews on the golf cart all around Ma and Pa Call's housing area.

I love him and his driving skills. 

We had a turkey feast at a local restaurant because my in-laws had recently (the day before) had gotten home from Italy and weren't in the mood for cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I don't blame them. 

The next few pictures are through the eyes of my cute nephew, Matthias. If you look in the picture above he is the one the left of me. 

Papa Call 

Uncle Matt 

Brother Adam 

 Papa and Mama Call

Crazy Aunt Brianna 

 Brother Sam

Little Madelyn 

Smiles all around

 More smiles.

After turkey dinner we played some Wii Mario Kart, played football, soccer, and talked for a few hours and then made our way home again, in the same day, back to Provo!

The next day...I clogged up our sink

 Matt tried to fix it...

But it turns out you shouldn't put a huge vat of soup down the disposal because it will clog the outgoing plumbing...I learn the hard way ok?

At "Christmas Carol"...

 Someone started a "Secret Satan" which will be passed around every rehearsal and performance throughout our cast. We were chosen first and given a lovely jar of homemade and bottled Applebutter, it was so good!

 Yay!!! Presents!!

Seeing as we didn't get a "homemade" trukey dinner or didn't have the chance to spend anytime with my mom. We invited her over for dinner and we came out with a spread that was to die for.

 With the help of the two lovlies in the picture below we had a feast prepared for a king! 

 Hmmmmmm....Turkey!!!!

 4 hours. One life game. 3 bottles of martinelli's later....

A glorious end to a fantastic thanksgiving weekend.

I hope all yours was just as great!

Days Off

I see days off from school and work as a time to get things done. Whether that be cleaning our cute apartment, to do doing the laundry, to baking something, to finishing writing 100 lessons plans, to...oh boy...just being domestic.

I love being a wife.. I love being in charge of our finances.. I love being able to get places without a car by using the transit system (I actually adore taking the bus..even though sometimes it can be a little late)

I loved my time in the elementary classroom and each time something went wrong or I flopped or wasn't good enough at classroom management this little voice in the back of my head would say, "Is this really what you want to do? Are you really happy right now? Do you want to work with snotty nose kids all day, everyday? Wouldn't you just be happy in a cubicle job for the rest of your life? (Nothing against cubicle jobs, they do great for certain people, help this economy and give people the opportunity to have comfortable lives in their they would like to spend their time) but the true answer to these questions is:

Yes, this is really what I want to do.

Yes, I am  happy because they are learning something. I may stumble over my words and not be quite as confident is a subject as I am in others, but who said it was bad that I learn somethings while I'm teaching them. I think as the years progress I will get better, much more eloquent, and be able to command a classroom, be their friend, mom, teacher, and confidant. It will just take time.

Yes, yes, yes, I want to work with kids everyday. Even if there are kids that will talk back. Even if there are kids that will swear at me. Even if there are kids who will not respect me initially. Even if there are kids who will disrupt my class everyday. Even if there are kids who don't have the best home lives. Even if there are kids who make me physically sick. Even if there are kids who always misplace their papers. Even if there are kids who never give you a hug, handshake, high 5, or even a smile.
Even in those kids there is love, hope, kindness, surprise, and wanting to do good. Ever child should have a chance to succeed. I want them to.

Truthfully, No. I would not be happy in a cubicle job. I need to be around kids .

So that was basically me talking to myself...
Yep.
Days off, Love them.

I really am happy...teaching

     Last couple posts were just "I'm going to loathe for the day because I don't feel like I am good enough and I'm not talented enough and I'm never going to be good enough and I"m ....." K, I just ran out of things to say.
     A good night's sleep really does the trick in getting your mind back on track and your spirits back up to where they should be, especially at this time of year.
     So to resume my fallen behind thankfulness days I would like to write about the experience I have been able to have for the past three weeks or so.

I have been in an elementary school for the past three weeks

Teaching, failing, teaching, and learning

It has been a grand experience with ups and downs

Good and bad lesson plans

Time management and classroom management flops and successes

And a bunch of kids I will not soon forget.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to follow a prompting from the Holy Ghost to proceed into a program for a major I NEVER wanted to be in. 

I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what I am good at:

Being with the kids

Wanting to speak to them on their level

Teaching them what I know

I'm grateful for the hardships which presented themselves, because I'm better than before, I have more Joy, I'm willing to work harder and try my best even more frequently because I KNOW I am capable. 

There are definitely things I still need to work on before I'll be ready to be a full-time, "It's your show" teacher.

But I really do believe this is what will make me happy in my life

(along side being a mother, someday, of course)

Highlights to my three weeks in field:

Chaten

Diego 

Mrs. E

Soccer 

Playing dodge ball with the kids and having 4th grade rivalries with students in the other class

Learning about the Native Americans while I teach it

Early morning breakfast with Leah

Bus rides

Adapting to situations

Pretzels 

Drawings from the girls

The light in their eyes

Their faces when I showed them the digital story I made about "Harry Potter" 

How well some activities went

and most of all

Mrs. E willingness to help us in every way she could. 

This was an experience I needed. 

It has shown me that I like teaching.

I'm not perfect at it, nor am I good at it yet.

But I will be. 

Yes, I think I will be .

No Callbacks.

Meh.
It wouldn't have worked with the timing anyway...I'm already stretched thin as it is.
I'll just be in choirs, at least I'm good at that...right?

I'm my own worst enemy...

I want you to take a moment and think of a person with this description:

You see them daily

You curse their name frequently

You rarely compliment them

You always point out their faults

You are a bully to them

You have no respect for them

You constantly strive to raise them up but a passing comment from you brings them down

You see them as stupid

You see them as selfish

You see them as cowardice

You see them as not good enough...

Have you guessed it yet?

It's yourself.

It's me. 

I try out for things. 

I love to perform but I can never get past the auditions, to callbacks, on stage. "But you're in a show now.." some would say...well "I don't have any speaking parts do I? I can hide behind my beautiful voice can't I"

But I'll never be THAT character:

Belle...A Christmas Carol...Beauty and the Beast

Sally...You're a Good Man Charlie Brown

Kathy...Singing in the Rain

Dorothy

(I could live without Dorothy) 

I feel every time in my auditions that I'm kicking butt, I have a good voice, I have character...

But...

It's never enough.

I walked out of my audition tonight and suddenly started attacking myself.

Why?

I did my best.

I sang the loudest and most animated I could.

I went out there and literally...gave.my.all.

Will it amount to anything?

Probably not.

Because...

some other girl has worked with the directors before

some other girl has the "in" with the covey center

some other girl is thinner

some other girl has more expression

some other girl has had more experience 

some of other girl sounds like a child

some other girl is just.more.talented.

Yes, I am my own worst critic. 

Yes, I am talented.

Yes, I am so stinking hard on myself.

Yes, I live my life as if today were my last day and every microscopic thing that takes place during the day is life or death. 

Yes. I am my own worst enemy.

Completely irrelevant:
Tard Cat. Love. His. Face.

Thanksgiving Blessings: The Earth

I take the bus every day to school.

I take the bus every day to work. 

I take the bus anywhere I want to.

I have a lot of time to read a book, listen to music, peruse pinterest and zone out.

When I'm not doing any of those things I catch myself looking endlessly into the bright sky.

It's hues cascading from blues to oranges, reds to purples in a matter of hours. 

It is absolutely magnificent the beauty that is portrayed. 

Do I take these majestic pieces of natural art for granted, you betcha. 

I wish I could find the time to watch the rainbow that dances across the sky in a day's time.

I think that if we all took a few moments out of our day and look up at the sky we would find something beautiful to behold, something that is almost connected at the hip with God.

It is his art, everyday. 

I'm grateful for the sunrises which send from bright gliding beams of orange and yellow on the pillow, inching up towards my face as through slowly but gently telling me it's time to get up.

I'm grateful for the beautiful pathways of leaves which fall and dance in the wind and the breeze of cars passing by. 

I'm grateful for the sun's rays beating down my back as I walk home or to work. I'm grateful for the sun kissed glow that the fall leaves possess and the crispness of the air.

It's revitalizing. 

I'm grateful for rain, the soft, the pitter patter that awakens me in the middle of the night.

I'm grateful for snow fall and the softness it brings to the earth. It brings a stillness that is only found in few months of the year.

I'm grateful for the fresh water we have to drink and the many streams and ponds which all lead back to the ocean, I feel it has a deeper meaning:

To remind mankind that we will make the progress and accomplish the most if we but work together. We may live in different part of the world but consequently we are all connected. 

Thanksgiving Blessings: My Body

I try and get on the being grateful bandwagon every year but always procrastinate till thanksgiving day . So while it's on my mind I'd like to take a moment to express mg gratitude about one aspect of my life, ill try my best to write everyday this month ... but you never know what will happen. 

One thing that comes to mind is the body that I have been given and of course being the girl I am, I sometimes dislike things about my body but overall I truly am grateful for it. 

I am grateful for the breath I take every morning as I stretch for the day. 

The stretches, the muscles that move and contract to create strong and fluid movements throughout the day. I'm grateful for the eyes that can see and the nose that smell beautiful foods, fresh rain and Matt's cologne. I'm grateful for hands which can play a beautiful melody on the piano, wipe away someone's tears and grasp my husbands hands to show my love for him.

 I'm grateful for my arms, the elbows and the wrists which can help catch myself when I fall, carry a cute niece or nephew, and can bring people into a loving embrace .

 I'm grateful for my legs , the ankles, and the knees which enable me to walk to the bus stop, work hard at work and keep up with the younger kids I get to associate with.

 I'm grateful for my working heart , the real life battery.

 It is amazing the life is gives without a second thought from me. 

I'm grateful for the blood it pumps through my veins which enable mobility. 

I'm grateful for my nerves which give me sensation. Soft, slimy, hard, shocking, hot, cold.

 I'm grateful for my brain and all that it controls and brings to life.

 I'm grateful for it's many tunnels and pathways to transmit information. 

I'm grateful for it's ability to retain information, to learn and remember countless facts and memories to be brought and used in good days and bad. 

I'm grateful for my body and the healthy state it is in.