Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Oh high scool angst

I was going through my myspace blog today..random I know and was reading all the "horrible" things that were happening in my life at the time. Oh my goodness to the heavens and back I was an angsty teenager. I was so jealous of everyone in my life, jealous of how people could sing better than me, how people could dress better, look better and such. I'm not going to lie, i had a hard time finding myself in high school. I was not the most attractive girl around and for awhile there I didn't know what personal hygiene was. I cringe for my poor friends having to be around me back then. I'm sorry for that, the stink that I must of had. I look back now and I have no idea why i felt that way back then, that certain things I was fretting about weren't a huge deal. They were small, little things, that are far into the past and i'm happy that alot of things that I wished would have happened, didn't. It's amazing looking back and seeing a change in yourself that you didn't know had happened. I was ranting on about a guy problem(s) about a guy liking me that I didn't like anymore and he wouldn't leave me alone, and then whining in the next blog about one guy not liking me but me liking him (wow i didn't see the reoccurring theme...) Oh well, but really high school was easy peasey compared to things in life coming in soon years or years far into the future. I guess we all go through these levels of maturity and immaturity and just have to find ourselves slowly through all the angst and so called drama of our lives. (But i'm not gonna lie drama in high school was definitely drama oriented, but gave me some of my best friends and best moments of my high school time.) Anyway, i'm still chuckling a little bit under my breath at the drama queen I was in my blogs and the depressed little girl that lives in them. Oh well, we learn and we grow. We look back and see how and where we have learned to be different. It gives you an odd sense that life is worth living and that you really do learn things down here, just not in the time frame that you had planned for yourself. A lot of this life, I am starting to realize is in the Lord's hands. Oh wait, all of it is. What a relief :)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Moments of Surprise

Do you ever have moments, or days or weeks that come to you as a complete surprise?
Where for the longest time you had your mind set that a certain was going to happen a certain way, and then life throws you a curve ball- A large one, with frayed edges a few leaves stuck to the side and a drop of snow clinging on to dear life that is tricky, and irritably fast? Well surprisingly life has thrown me a heck of a curve ball and i'm still trying to find my bearings along with it. How can you tell yourself that something you thought would never happen, just happened. It's like telling a kid that you weren't going to let him ever eat chocolate again, and he gets used to that idea and then 10 years later you give him a truck load of chocolate and ask him to eat it. (Maybe that wasn't the best analogy) But it's kinda the same, just having your mind set on a certain thing and basically assuring yourself that something would NEVER happen, and then it happens....your psyche kinda goes a little out of whack, and then you can't seem to know if it will last, because everyday it seems like a dream, the dreams that you dream about things like that happening, but you ONLY see them in dreams. So when they become reality you're not sure what to do. Hmmm.
Moments of Surprise sure do throw the life in a loop. And if I'm referring to rollercoastered (is that a word) loop then, "heck" this is going to be a crazy ride. Hope there are safety restraints.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Food Coma

I have found out or realized that I love food, and food loves me.( I believe by watching the movie, "Julie and Julia" last night has sparked this though) To an extent at least.
We have this mutual pact that food will not make me too overweight by providing me with yumminess and savory morsels that make the mouth water just by talking about them. The slow cooked beef in a red wine sauce (The alcohol cooks out of course) with red potatoes and carrots just simmering in the kitchen with a tomato sauce slowly incorporating together on the burner next to the pot of joy. The smells together bring new meaning to the word hungry and EAT! (Are you salivating yet?) JK, i am... because I'm sitting at work, eating nothing but staring at a very uninviting tin or cup of lemon pie yogurt...yum...(*bleck*) So I can fantasize about many other yummy things that I could possibly prepare after work and before my math final. hmm I love food, it is so good and I think some days i wouldn't mind going into a food coma (especially when I have a very unsettling final to take care of at 1 pm today).. at least i would be full :)

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Dear World---

Dear karma,
You exist and I don't have love for you at all. (i hope that doesn't kick me in the butt later)

Dear Snow,
You make me feel like my life is a dream and i wish i had more time to see you fall slowly and enjoy the beauty that you bring

Dear frozen fingers,
I apologize for still letting you down by not buying new gloves yet

Dear dead saturn,
I will miss you dearly and I wish you didn't have to go in such an unfair fashion. I miss your heat, I miss your hard work on icy roads and your always ahead of the bunch attitude even when your fan belt would snap for no reason. But you always got me to where i needed to be on time, i'm so sorry for not giving you the love that you deserved and the icy death that you had to deal with. I hope that in car heaven that you will be able to have fun racing the other cars and beating them bad! I love you, and this is my humble goodbye. Goodbye Tawni

Dear Christmas,
I wish you would bring me a new car

Dear Bus system,
You are now my new friend I would like to introduce myself, "hello, my name is Brianna"

Dear Curves,
Thanks for continuing to provide with money

Dear headbands,
You give me the opportunity of being on time to school when i only have 5 minutes to get ready

Dear long meaning conversations with a friend,
You're awesome, and make me think, and give me hope for the future

Monday, December 7, 2009

Just keep chugging

This last week was surprising in so many ways. I found out things that I didn't know were true, and things have happened that I never thought would and it has kinda put me into a loop of where I don't know exactly what is going to happen with life. When two weeks ago I was pretty sure about a few things. Geez, there always has to be a curve ball when things start getting to lazy or i start becoming unmotivated.

Anyway, I woke up this morning for work (well actually I woke up to my mother calling me, asking if I was up yet, because she was giving me a ride, because my car had broke down on saturday and I was completely stranded until later today) --I was dreaming and having quite the dream. With Laurie, Erin, and i discussing twilight as if it was the best thing in the world. The only thing wrong with this scenario was that 1. I don't like twilight --scratch that. 1. I don't like Kristen Stewart or Robert Pattison. I personally think that they are horrible actors and give the characters that I used to love a horrible demeanor. But, i was woken up from my dream by mom, i got ready for work in a matter of 2 minutes and you can definitely tell i didn't have time to do my hair, or put on makeup this morning. But that's one good thing about where I work, not one lady will look at me differently because I dont' look nice coming to work. Most of the women that come to work out at curves have just rolled out of bed, sometimes almost falling asleep on the machines (it's quite funny, every once and awhile) .
When i stepped outside of my apartment i saw the one thing that I was secretly hoping but telling everyone that I hated, snow. Man, that stuff is gorgeous. I am one of those people that loves the snow, but goes along with everyone else saying that it is a menace to society and should be kept inside a miniature snow globe. But really, i love the stuff. i love bundling up, and just walking around and hearing -nothing- its so quiet in the early morning hours after it has snowed. It is almost like a insulated safe room all around me. I love the majesty that it brings and the beauty that it portrays. I love being able to sit on my balcony, with a cup of hot chocolate and just watch it snow ( I could fall asleep to that)
Its quiet but it feels as though i can hear beautiful music as it is falling. The music is a sweet melody that is mostly that of a single violin accompained by the sweet sounding flute, just trickling through intricate notes easily and lightly. I love imagining things like that. I love the spirit of Christmas, the meaning of Christmas and the whole month leading up to it. Snow has just put the cherry on the top of a year that has been hard, easy, and so contradicting its ridiculous. Snow like a new year brings a new beginning, washing and covering mistakes or imperfections. Snow is a great symbol of what we need to think about this season. Happy snow day!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Word Vomit

Well for the past little while I have wanted to just sit down at the computer and write. And it doesn't matter what comes out, how it sounds, whether I not I have punctuation or whether it makes sense in anyway. So here we go ladies and gentlemen

WORD VOMIT

Interestingly so I have never had the opportunities that I would have liked myself to have, because frankly I have kept myself so inside myself that I haven' ventured out and tried new things for awhile. But for the past little while I have actually tried to try new things. Things that I normally wouldn't do in my daily life or any life that wasn't planned out by the most of the time boring person hermit that I am. In the last couple weeks I have gone to a club all the way up in Ogden with a dear friend and it turned out the place had a once in a life time high school night...and we ended up coming there on the interestingly so night..oh goodness and we ended up locking our private room and dancing around like maniacs. But no one could see and even if they could we would still have the time and fun that we had that night with each other. I entered this contest on myspace, a karaoke contest. Did you know that karaoke in japanese actually means "tone deaf" and now that you think about it, it actually makes sense, ya know? Weird how correlations like that occur. I am waiting to see if my entry led to anything but who knows...it will take awhile for them to decide. Oh and I have a crush and i can't seem to find the words to tell him how I feel and I don't know if I should tell him how I feel because we are such good friends and I don't want to go risking the friendship and the fun times that we have shared just so i could see if he likes me back...i don't know if it is worth it?!?! Shoot this dating game and trying to guess what the other person is saying when in reality, I tend to looking too deeply into what someone says or maybe i'm not looking deep enough and don't realize what they said or didn't catch on and then I lose a chance. shoot ---i'm horrible at reading people. Always have been and always will be. I got home today from a thanksgiving break vacation visiting my brother and my father, it was super fun but went by waywaywayway too fast. (the first time that I wrote fast it came out fat. ha ha) and I forgot to get caught up on my math homework so now I am scrambling around in my brain to try and figure out the nonsense that is stuck in between the real and the not real. Last night I had a horrible nightmare, and i don't like nightmares and it made me feel uncomfortable, but i guess i had been a little stressed out about what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life for the last couple days. So that probably contributed to the whole "let's give Brianna a nightmare so she can think straight again" mind trick that minds do to people. So subconscious brain (thank you for making my life that much more able to live) And such i believe that math was made from the devil and I think that not doing a math for a week definitively stifles the smart gene you once thought you had. I have also been starting to write a song, the very first song where its actually forming into something but I have found out that I, myself, brianna, am a horrible lyricist. So I may just find a poem to stick in for the lyrics and call it good but that would be plagiarism..gosh darnit my morals.jk but I have been getting quite good on the guitar..well at least its good when no one else is listening so I just maybe having a not so much fair looking at it..or something like that. ---anyway--- Do you ever have those days where you're just disgusted at yourself, but for no apparent reason? Maybe you said something you didn't mean to someone. Or wrote a message that you wish you could take back because it may seem like you're being desperate (and that's the last thing that you wanna come across as?) Have you ever had a time where you wish you weren't so shy and wish you had some quirky comment to contribute to the conversation? Where you wish you did this instead of that and wonder how the day would have turned out differently if you had done it the other way? What if you had eaten the orange instead of the apple? Does that have a real big affect on how your life turns? If waking up 2 minutes late for work made your day go a little off then how would of 2 minutes early have changed things? What if you took that random chance, instead of standing back in the bleachers and watching someone else do it? Is it ok to be jealous of others and what they have or the chances that they are willing to take? Jealous of the conversations that people can have? Jealous of the how to do's and how to don'ts people have such a hold onFor the most part i'm happy with my life at the moment but am having a hard time even concentrating on the blasted blog..so I am going to bid thee farewell into the dead of night where hopefully I am not confronted with a nightmare again..*shudders*

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving

Well as everyone knows today is/was thanksgiving day. One of the few days out of the year where everyone including myself takes a moment out of their life to think about the things that they are truly grateful and thankful for. We really should do that more often, because we have so much to be grateful and not enough time (or internet space) to write it all down. But I want to make a little list of the things that I am grateful for.

I am grateful for:
- Music- can't go a day without turning some form of music on or humming something on my way to work, school or to hang out with a good friend.
- School- You know someday's school just drives you up the wall and then there are those rare occasions when you are genuinely interested in everything that the professor is talking about. Those days are the days where I am glad that i'm a professional student, at the moment.
- Mom- She is the one person who keeps me close to the gospel and helps me see that even if hard times come up in your life that if you keep the faith that anything will fix itself. We always learn alot from eachother, we lift each other and we can talk for hours if we want.
- Dad - He is a guy who I love to call everyday, as i'm walking to school, just to see how he is doing even though not much has changed since the last time I talked to him. Me and him can talk about anything under the sun and have a legit conversation, one with controversy and comedic timing.
- Friends- The best people in my life, besides my family. They keep me going, they love me for the quirky, weird person and I am. Wether is be singing in the car to Glee, drinking an apple beer while driving around listening to U2, wearing my first mud mask and flaunting it in pictures, harmonizing random songs that don't mean much except simutaneously improvisation, watching chick flicks/westerns/comedies and laughing, crying, and dying from surprise. :)

I'm also grateful for
-The rain
-Newly cut green grass
- The atmosphere
-Hot chocolate
-My apartment
-My Job
-The singles ward
-My car
-My kitty cat (mushu)
-My brother
-Soccer
-Guitar/singing/piano
-Rainbows
-Fall colors
-Regaining a friendship

and the one of the largest things

I am so grateful for the gospel, the Lord, and all that he does for me. Helping me through life even though sometimes it may seem like i'm stuck. But he has a plan and is waiting for me to put my trust in him and be grateful for the things he has already given me. I'm grateful to know I can have my family for eternity, that I have my brother and what a sweet person he is. How he tries to act like my older brother even though he is 3 years younger. It is super endearing. I love it. I love the education that I am recieving, I love feeling smarter and know i'm learning everyday through every action, thought, word, and deed. Its exciting to expand horizions and develop new hobbies and skills. I love books at the places and worlds the pull you into for a short or long amount of time. The ability, that we as people have, to bring words to life and bring emotion the the page or through notes and melodies. I love the different seasond, each one bringing a new task, a new adventure, new people to meet. I am so grateful for my life and the opporunity to continue you, to grow and learn and meet and seek. To love, to lose, to show and to do.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Rauni and I

A few days ago my good friend Rauni was wanting to go take some picture together up in the canyon. So darn tootin' that's what we did. Around 4:30 ish in the afternoon we headed up the leave/snow covered canyon and went up to nun's park and found a brother of hers to help with the camera. Thanks Addy! It was super fun and I believe we got quite a few fun pictures from it :)

Monday, November 16, 2009

Monday's are hard in 21 degree weather

Because I can't think of anything else to write i will fill out this little questionnaire about my life at the moment. I'm pretty sure that I want Liesl and Erin to do it too, seeing as they are the only ones who read this blog of mine :)

  • Who was your favorite celebrity as a child? I have to say that the Red ranger on Power rangers WAS my favorite celebrity as a child, seeing as that is the gist of what I watched.
  • What type of pets do you have? I have one kitty, his name is Mushu. He gets along with most people except Blue for some reason...she calls him the devil cat. Sad right? My family has had fish and water frogs and my brother had a hermit crab which i accidently stepped on and killed...yea, not a good memory.
  • What is your favorite color? I like colors in the Red cateorgy along with the yellows if you couldn't tell by the color scheme i have on my blog right now :)
  • What is most memorable about your high school years? Choir, I loved choir and still do. But Mr keyes just made it amazing and so exciting and made our choirs sound amazing and he still does it to this day. I also loved my drama friends even if there are only a few who still talk to me. I love em dearly especially watching Glee or just being crazy and singing loud in the car!
  • What word describes you best? circumspect
  • What is your greatest accomplishment? Getting my life together with a few things and becoming more independent .
  • What drives you every day? The weekend
  • What is your favorite food? Pizza, i never get sick of that stuff. My favorite food right now though is grilled ham and cheese. mmm
  • Where do you want to retire? not st. george. But somewhere warm, maybe Florida
  • Where do you like to vacation? I would like to go backpacking through Europe someday. Mexio or Figi would definitely be more nice seeing as it would be warm.
  • Who do you admire? Alot of people. People who go to BYU. I admire my mom for being strong throughout her life. Anyone who has or has had cancer
  • What is your mission? In life? The cliche mormon answer. i want a family, a big family.
  • If you were invisible, where would you go? probably backstage at a Micheal Buble concert and see what goes on down stairs before the show starts.
  • What traits in others are you attracted to? Loud, outthere, funny, silly.
  • What is the kindest thing anyone has done for you? Hmm I try to be nice..I drove my friend to school. ? i dont' know what I have done for someone
  • How do you want to be remembered? As a kind person who didn't whine and was happy in life and didnt have a care in the world except she cared for her family and friends and was always there to lend a hand. I dont' feel like i need change the world in a large way, just a way that may help someone become better and it turn help me become better. i want to be remembered as a light-hearted, sweet person...(wow i need to work on some stuff)
  • What would you do with a million dollars? put a bunch of it away for Retirement, I wouldn't quit my job, I would help my mom pay off her house, i would buy my own house. Treat my mom and brother to a trip of a lifetime, maybe a cruise and then save the rest and live nicely and invest a little bit.
  • If you were on an island, who would you want to be with? Why? probably my brother James, he can kill things and we definitely wouldn't starve. He is pretty handy and can think of ways to put things together. he's smart like that.
  • You have a 10 minute speech to give at a high school, what is it about? How popularity doesn't really matter in high school. That once you graduate you really figure out who your true friends are. So always be nice to those you associate with and don't talk bad about others. Don't worry about what others think of you and just go all out. Don't hesitate about something you want to do but it is scary, you don't want to regret not doing something's you didn't and could have easily done. Be outgoing but don't be conceited .

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I Haven't Met You Yet

Dear future guy that i may find whenever:
This - Is - For - You
(haha)
I was being bored today as i always am. Haha, its a saturday don't judge me! And I was looking at youtube videos and came across Micheal Buble's new song. "I haven't met you yet" and as you can probably guess from the title it is talking about how this person will make you feel amazing and complete and wonderful. When i do find you I hope that we can dance and frolic like they do in this music video, i hope you laugh at my jokes. I hope that even if you think i'm bad driver you will let me drive (even if you're scared) I hope that you hold me close and tell me you love me as much as possible, cause count on it - i'll do it to you. I hope that we can sing together through out our lives. I hope that you enjoy listening to the rain and just taking walks with a scarf around your neck, fingers intertwined with mine. ( i know sappy, but a girl can dream right? ) But dear guy i haven't met yet-- I haven't found you, but i will. Hope you're doing great, and having a fantastic day. ---
- Love Brianna :)

This is my song. Right now. In my life. In every single girls life. And i think its awesome. Take a listen.


I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to loose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,

And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get~ mmm.......
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmmm ....

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility, mmmmmm....

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all’s fair
in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it,
we'll get it right an',
we'll be united

Instrumental

and I know that we can be so amazin',
And bein' in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmmmm

And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
Promise you kid I’ll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Oh, you know it'll all turn out,
and you'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get, yeah
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet,
Oh, promise you kid,
To give so much more than I get.

I said love love love love love love love.....
I just haven't met you yet
Love love love .....
So doy day ay ay ay, ay ay yeah
I just haven't met you yet!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Maybe i'm delusional

Someday's i wish that I was a good writer.
So that I could come on here, oh dear blogger, and write away my heart in the form of a well descriptive and highly entertaining story that seems like it was made up but in fact is a story of my clearly not boring life. But to much dismay I don't have much writing power or experience... That wasn't correct. My sentences are not as they should be, sometimes at least. Sometimes I pop out really good sentences in such a way that i'm not sure where the crap they came from. Otherwise my sentences are run-on's or really have no point. Sometimes I want to express my opinion in a few simple words and it turns into an encyclopedia of useless information only understood by me. The one who is simply ranting or writing about an array of things at once. And instead of informing people of my mental state I just confuse them to the point of no return. Hmmm.

Isn't that what blogs are for though?
For the ranting or just spill of your thoughts whether they be understood or not?

Well, i feel a little better.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

hey world!

Hey! Sorry about all the ranting and raving these last couple posts, i have just been trying to figure out life as we know it and surprisingly it has been a larger endeavor than I had ever imagined! But hey, everyone goes through large ups and very large downs. I know this from, well, personal experience. And clearly even though the tough times come around, there is always a silver lining, or star on the horizion, or greener grass on the other side. Whatever one applies to you, it will always come up. Maybe not in the time frame you would like it to, but when it does it hits hard with a force unimaginable until you feel it pounding at your door and you can't wait to open it, and when you finally get up the courage there is a weight released off your shoulders and you can breathe and look around and remember the beautiful things in life once more. Work hard in school again, continue making new acquaintances, and helping grow spiritually, physically and emotionally.
There is this quote that I found a little while back while working at work one day. Harriet Beecher Stowe said it and i'm pretty sure it is my favorite quote now. Along with 2 nephi 2 : 13 being my new favorite scripture.

" When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then for that is just the time and place that the tide with turn. "

My tide has turned for good :)

LOVE IT!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

The contemplations which never end in a surety of the times before us

Have you ever wanted to take a step back in time and do something over or just have the oppotunity of trying again? Seeing how different life may be if you chose the other path.
Have you ever stared at a choice you were about to make and trying to figure out the outcome of your actions?
Does it really make a large difference to what happens in life on whether you choose an apple or banana that morning for breakfast, or just skip out on breakfast all together?

Once you make those decisions are they set in stone, never to be revisited? Do you just have to be happy or content with where you small and seemingly unimportant choices have led you?

That sounds like leaving life up to chance.
I thought that's not what you're supposed to do

But how do you grab hold of the rules of the game when you didn't even know they were there to change things around? Are we all just having to wait and make rash and quick decisions about the most important gift given to us. I hope not, but sometimes it feels that way.
Sometimes
there isn't enough time to think it through
think of about the positives
Negatives
and
possibilities

Sometimes life feels like a maze and I think mine is at a dead end at the moment and i'm not sure whether I should jump the wall or turn back around and find another route. But i don't know how to do that .

I don't know how to be impulsive and alone

I feed on human companionship. Whoa, that just sounds wierd. I thrive (that's a better word) on friends, boyfriends, not sure what friends, acquaintances, and just a nice person who smiles down the street. They make me happy, and strong and leave me with a sense of meaning and worth in this world.

But people get busy, or I just get paranoid and feel like if i haven't seen a certain person in a day or two then i'll go crazy but they are busy and have a life other than me in it. Bleh. They have friends and school and sports and just more of a life than me, at least now. And sometimes I feel that I drive them away...because they never want me around, am i that annoying? Shoot...maybe I am.

Anyway, some of these instances wanting to go back in time and start over. Not sending that stupid text or not saying that stupid thing or just being plain stupid or overbearing. Happen to me often including right now and this past week in general.

I need something to do in my life. I need ambition again and the drive to do something extrodinary. At least to me. So if anyone has any ideas for my brighter than now life, they would be greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

One Year Later

Today is September 8, 2009
One Year ago, one of the best ladies past away.
My Grandma.
She was one of my best friends and a friend to everyone. Someone who would always smile and be there when i wanted to talk about something. She was someone who always made me want to be better. And sometimes I forget that.

I miss her dearly, and want to live up to the things that I promised her a year ago. Which I haven't succeeded in doing this past year. I hope that she is doing as much good as she did on this earth up in heaven. Because that is definitely where she belongs. She is probably beating all the other angels at cloud shooting or just having the time of her afterlife with her dear James. Who has now been gone 12 years. Both are probably running the place up there. Haha.

Well, I hope that when/if my grandma looks down on me that she is proud of me. And I hope that she knows I love her and always will. And miss her.

Love you Grandma Joy

Friday, September 4, 2009

Is it ok...

Is it OK to feel sorry for myself?
Is it OK to mourn the loss of something great?
Is it OK to be hopeless and feel inadequate?
Is it OK to think you weren't supposed to do something but you did it anyway?
Is it OK to think you were doing the right things but it turns out it wasn't?
It is OK to keep going on about this and continuing to ask unanswered questions?

I feel like I have a gift...maybe it isn't what I thought.
Have I been using it the wrong way, because everything that try to use it in never comes out the way I was hoping.
I wonder if people lie to me...about my ability or lack there of. Do they just tell me what they think i want to hear...or do they actually believe what they are telling, but never give me a chance.

I feel
s
a
d
I feel embarrassed

I feel like it isn't worth
Trying anymore

...maybe i'm supposed to stay hidden...

Unnoticed
Unloved
Underestimated

Always to sit in sidelines and watch others do what I yearn and only dream to do. Is there ever a moment when my dreams will be able to become reality? Even for a moment, a second, a passing by thought... I would be OK with that.

I just want my shot
My Chance
My Opportunity

But I don't think i'm ever going to do be able to do that, because I can't embrace my fear and get over it.

And the only one who's fault that is,
Mine.

....and i can't change it.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Blessings


Just like the title says I'm writing about blessings, the kind you receive from a bishop, home teacher, father, or in my case Uncle.

Last night I wasn't feeling very well just about life in general and needed some insight from the Lord. And i'm working on making my prayers more meaningful and worth while but I needed something more substantial and concrete. So I asked my Uncle Eddie if he would be willing to give me a blessing.
First off, I have always loved blessings.
I just have never always been sure about them...

A reason why I do like them so much is when I was younger and would receive them, I would be extremely skeptical and would always be like, "well that's just my uncle saying blah blah blah..do do do ." you know? So one day I was having a very hard day in which I hadn't told anyone about. That evening I asked for a blessing from my Uncle and he didn't know specifics, but he knew that I was heartsick and having thoughts and questions that needed answered. It blew my mind away and from that moment on I gave a little more credit and faith in blessings.

Back to last night,
He gave me a blessing. I had told him that I wanted one for doing well in school and just life in general. I could not have asked for more in a blessing. And things that were said in the blessing I needed to hear and it just gave me that little boost that i have needed for awhile. One point in the blessing was that I needed to listen closely for answers to my prayers, that it wouldn't come in a hum drum/ singing choirs of angels way. I needed to have it quiet and listen intently....I know...but it gives me more reassurance that he knows im praying for answers, I just need to take time and listen for those answers.

I'm pretty positive that there is a heavenly father, who really listens when think we don't need him and when we do.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Julie and Julia

This afternoon I went to the movie Julie and Julia with my mom. It is two true stories put into one adorable movie full of laughter, heartache and lots of food! I had no expectations when going into the movie and because of that was greeted by one of the cutest movies I have seen in a long time.

One story was ms. Julia Child. ---yes, the chef from so many years ago and the story behind her love of food and how she became a chef.

Second story was about a ms. Julie Philips. Who decided one day to cook her way through Julia Child's cookbook in 365 days and write a blog about her adventures during this adventure of hers.

Throughout the movie the scenes would jump back and forth between the two women and and how food was changing their lives one day at a time. And by the end of the movie my mouth was watering immensely. So i decided that I wanted to make some beef stew with my mother afterwards and a few hours late (2 to be precise) we had concocted an amazing stew sensation that I could stop eating. Now that my stomach is full I can go on with life and wish to some day own Julia Child's french cooking cookbook and make all those amazing food items that Julie Philip did. I think that would be quite an adventure.

So another thing after I was done with the movie I realized how much i love food. Especially when i try making something outside of the recipe and it actually turns out to be pretty darn good! And then i'm happy with myself but after that point I really can never make it again.. (just like the spagetti sauce Logan....) I'm no Julia Child, but hey I love food, I love butter, and I love the savory tasteful dishes that have been thought of by amazing chefs who love food!

***********************************************************************************

Oh, right!
My brother was visiting for the last week or so and we had a blast! We went to the aquarium up in Sandy like the post below this one, showing pictures. And I touched the sting ray again and didn't quite freak out as much as the previous time. I was pretty proud of myself. And I even touched some other weird things...somethings I didn't even know what they were. We always went to Seven peaks in which my brother got fried! And I did not, because I know how to use sunscreen and he thinks he is too tough for that and the sun wouldn't burn him...well as we can see it happened ( well you can't really see cause i sadly did get a picture, but i'm sure you can imagine...) Imagine a overcooked piece of bacon ...that was the condition of my brothers skin after the day was over...i couldn't help myself from laughing sadly. Poor guy.. *chuckle...snicker*

***********************************************************************************

Over the next few weeks I am opening at Curves everyday all by myself. ... It is a bit stressful but I got it under control. I was late yesterday - monday morning - and felt really bad about it. So its not going to happen again, but the extra money that I'm going to get from the extra hours will be oober helpful when the first and lasts month rent is due for the new year. So it will be a nice little boost! yay


Sunday, July 26, 2009

Pioneer day! 24th of July. Utah's holiday :)

Well I wasn't really expecting to do anything this pioneer day because I had already done alot of stuff for the 4th of July and my family never really plans anything because some people believe that it kinda a waste of a holiday; but hey! If it gets my the day off work and the ability to sleep in I am not complaining! But, the events of the day took place as follows:

The first of the day I went to a annual breakfast that my home ward puts on every year on Pioneer day and it was just as good as i remember it being in previous years, the only thing is that no one from the ward recognized me...have i really changed that much since the last time that i was in the ward which was probably a year or year anda half? I guess i have changed a bit. I dress better, wear makeup the right way and do my hair in a cute fashion (well at least i think so, you don't have to agree) But yea, it was fun.

My moms best friend Wendy and her husband have been cooking dutch oven for many years and have even won some competitions. So after that preface you can imagine the food that these to cook. Its pretty much fantastic in everyway. After the breakfast my mom and I went to work out and then went to go say hi to Wendy at a dutch oven lunch for their ward. The invited us to stay so we didn't say no. The food was amazing. My mom I during our lunch decided that we wanted to go check out the aquarium up in Sandy and invited Wendy's daughter Keisha to come with us.
This little frog in the corner of the screen was super excited when he saw my mom, he was jumping for joy. It was so cute! I was hoping that we could steal him away and stow him away in my moms purse but it didn't work too well. After the frog we saw an array of things and creatures, some known and some new that I hadn't seen in person before. At one point in the Aquarium me and Keisha came to a touching pool where there was a string ray and a few fish inside there. ...I freaked a little bit when touching the sting ray and here is the face to prove it.
So the sting ray wasn't exactly a hit with me but I did enjoy the rest of the aquarium and I loved learning about the animals inside there. It was a great time.

Later in the day, my brother James arrived in Utah! It was great to see him, he is going to be here for the next two weeks, so i'll be happy that i get to spend some quality time with my brother from the same mother!

When night fell my family hooked up with our cousins (Simmons) and did some awesome fireworks, it was super fun. And at one point I was playing around with my camera and figured out how to make the pictures look really freaking awesome with the sparklers and here is some of the results.
I felt like an awesome photographer and I was having a blast taking them! Ahha, so the weekend was a success and now I have to start a new week, we'll see how it goes : ) crossing my fingers fro the best!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

So you think you can dance.. - Gravity


Last night on the Fox show, "so you think you can dance" Kayla and Kapono did a dance that was absolutley magnificent. The photo below is a picture of the couple, not a photo from the dance of last night, i couldn't find one (this dance was two weeks ago, that was simply gorgeous)

The coreographer was Mia Micheals who is fantastic everytime. Her dances always have such powerful and meaningfuly stories behind them.

This one in particular is about Kapono being Kaylas addiction that she can't get rid of. She keeps coming back to him. And as she tries harder and harder it gets more difficult to break from away from his tantilizing ways. There are parts of the dance where it seems she is suffocating or being held down by his presence. Addictions are a real thing, and this dance so beautifully petrays the difficulty people go through to break an addiction. You need to watch Kaylas face all through out and the pain and anguish that is being played but it so real outside of the dance floor.

I didn't blink once and could feel tears welling up inside, it was amazing.

You can see the video "HERE"

Let's just say it gave more than a couple chills along the way.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Chivarly in the 21st century

This article was on yahoo- life pages. It is discussing a study that says that guys who are chivalrous are being harmfully sexist...read on.

"With the excellent debate going on in response to our recent Wise Guys question about men behaving chivalrously, we thought we’d stir the pot a bit by mentioning studies that suggest chivalrous behavior is a subtle yet harmful form of sexism, known as benevolent sexism. The term was coined in 1996 by the first study of this kind (as far as we know), which showed that men who exhibit signs of chivalry (opening doors open for women, always paying for the date, being protective) often exhibit signs of hostile sexism as well (thinking of women as less intelligent, weaker creatures whose place is in the home). These findings were supported by another study by the University of Michigan several years later. Dr. Daisy Grewal, writing forPsychology Today earlier this year, has a compelling round-up of a lot of the research on the topic, saying that “Both perspectives [hostile and benevolent sexism] fail to view women as multi-faceted equals to men.” She gets a heated response from a fellow Psych Today blogger, but Grewal holds her own in the comments section of that post (plus, that is the haircut of a smarmy benevolent sexist if ever we saw one). Have a read, then please to discuss." - (http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/studies-show-chivalry-is-sexist-476383/;_ylt=Avl1eCh6JUdHKdMZx0c5uPaBbqU5)

First off, i'd like to say that, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I know that women want to feel like they are independent and in control of their lives. But a guy opening the door for you, or paying for the date isn't a crime nor is it sexist, in my opinion. He is being a gentlemen, which is something these days that almost seems like an urban legend to some people. Of course women want to be on the same level as men, but by letting him open the door isn't stamping on your self worth. It is showing that he wants to be Chivarlous and help you. He isn't trying to say, "i'm better than you, or I want to be in control of you...yada yada yada" I think women especially those who are having a slight power trip need to take a step back and not get so offended when a guy does something nice.

For me personally i love it when a man opens the door for me, pulls out my chair and on occasion pays for the date (when he asked me ON the date) ---I don't take it as him demeaning me or being sexist in anyway. I see it as him being a gentlemen and it takes me off guard sometimes, because it has become so irregular that it makes me feel even more special when a guy steps out of this sexist mind set and does something for me like that.

So men, PLEASE, be Chivarlous, open doors, walk your girl to her door, pay for the date (don't be cheap, especially if you asked her) , treat her like a princess and make her feel special, because 9 times out of 10 you'll definately get a second date by being a gentlemen, than by being a guy who goes along with the women who wanted to be treated "equally" or like a man. Seriously, i don't know what they are on, but it isn't estrogen. :)


Sunday, July 5, 2009

I have to make it happen

One thing in life that i wish were easier---life.
Life in general is hard and confusing.
Happy yet satisfying and problematic but incredibly and surprisingly worth it.
How is it that one day you can be so happy and the next you are wishing that the floor beneath your feet would crumble and you could fall down a dark hole and keep falling until you reach a very painful end?
Well for one thing, I have been doing alot of thinking lately and taking people's advice for me alot more seriously than i have in the past.
Over the weekend a really good friend was talking to me while hanging and not really doing anything and he told me that i needed to take control of my life. And not live it through others. But make the choices that i want to, and make the choices that i think are the best for me.
If i want to fall in love---then i have to let myself fall
If i want a career i'm happy in---I have to try and reach it
If i want to be happy everyday---then i need to be happy
Surprisingly these concepts i have never really stopped and thought about, and after he told me these things I realized i had known these things all along, i just never stopped to take a breath and do these things. When i'm feeling down I look at the the things i haven't accomplished, instead i should be looking at the things i have accomplished and continue making plans for future accomplishments. How difficult can that be?
Sometimes it seems more difficult than it actually is. It is all a frame of mind, if i want to be positive about life, than my life will be positive. How else could it be. I'm the boss and the one who runs my life.
Basically i'm sick of taking the back seat and watching others accomplish things that i know I am capable of. And i'm promising to myself that i'm going to make that change and do the things i set out to do and have the optimism that will help me do it.
I think I am a confident and social person who has potential but is scared to reach it. And for once in my life and really determined to reach that potential.

I have this saying that is at the end of every email that i send from my email and i think it fits perfectly with what i am trying to say :

Dance as though no one is watching
Love as though you have never been hurt before
Sing as though no one can hear you
Live as though heaven is on earth

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Check One..


I have this list: A list of things I want to do/see in my lifetime. And many
things I haven't even been able to fathom about attempting. But one such thing i was able to do yesterday. Hike Mt. Timp (well, at least to the caves)
A little preface: if you don't know who this guy in the photo is with me, it is Logan.
----Continuing. We bought our tickets for the tour of the caves which were at the top of a 1.5 mile trail which, according to the many signs within the first 1/8 of mile stated that it was a very strenuous hike. The signs also said if you had any heart problems or breathing problems STOP NOW!! Well actually it was just making sure you didn't have any horrible health problems...after those signs though i basically stopped and thought about whether I actually had any health problems that i wasn't aware of and then for the first little bit I was actually a little paranoid about the air getting thinner, having my heart stop, and falling off one of the many ledges thatran along side me. (But happily, i made it to the top alive, seeing as I am writing this write now is more than enough proof )

As we were making our way there were little signs every 1/4 of a mile and so we took them on the way up.. (Take notice of how our demeanor in the pictures change as they proceed.)

1/4 of the way up!!!

1/2 way there!

3/4 mile...last leg of the hike.


YAYAY!!!!
Inside the cave...so what does that mean?
We totally hiked timp and I can cross it off my list! How cool is that?

Inside the cave I was blow away by how much damage we as people have had, just the oils on our skin start to deteriate the beautiful rock sculptures. The Stalagmites and stalagtites were fanatastic. They had lights set up through the caves so that you could see the various formations of rock. It was pretty spectacular. One piece of rock was called the heart of timpanogos cave...and as you can see from the picture 1. it looks like a heart 2. they think it weighs about 2tons --or 4000 pounds, crazy huh!?
So in the end this was a really fun hike and my thighs and calves can feel it with every inch that i take a step, but the real question is: Was it worth it?

Heck yes it was!!!!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

One day at a time, a lifetime to fill them.


I have been thinking the last couple days about how life is: what life is: and how we take advantage of the time that is given to us. On the depressing note of things we never get a moment back, we never get a second chance, we never get to press pause and rewind to try again. Every second that I sit here at my computer typing each individual word is me losing a precious moment of my life. The life that I promised myself would be remembered for the good things i have done and the accomplishments I reached and the failures that I learned from. Even at 20 years of age I regret things I have done, things I haven't done, and things I will never be able to do again. There are instances that i wish i could woosh back to. To remember the happiness, or sadness, or trial, or adveristy, or the laughter, tears, hugs, smiles and just pure bliss.

How do you know what to do with the time that is given you. There are so many things i would like to do, and things that I don't want to do...but I tell myself that this is the life that was given me and I won't be able to do these things on the other side but i still dont' do them. (like going on rollercoasters for one) I won't die on these things, they aren't incredibly life changing, but I don't do it and I lose that chance to say I did what I set out to do...and I never get that moment back.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

I have recently started a new job, which by this time i can fully make a slight evaluation of how it is going. I started about two and half weeks ago and I'm learning so much, first off...I got a job at Curves (It's a gym for women)
The rules:
Don't have to wear makeup
No mirrors
No men

It's a great place. I love the people I work with and just learning about the muscles groups of the body and being able to tell people (women) where they can come to get an amazing workout in just 30 mins. It is pretty crazy how hard this place works you...every...single...time.
And even though it may be so much information at one time, i'm slowly learning ways to remember, and the thing about the job is that it is SO hands on. And that is how I learn the best. With the thing that i'm learning about right in front of me to touch, hear, and see.

So, every other week my shifts start at 5:20 in the morning! Crazy, i know. The first couple days were really hard. But, after that it was actually really nice to get up and see the sun come over the mountains. I swear I hadn't seen a sunrise in forever, if at all.

And this new job has shown me how amazing the human body is, it blows my mind away. This small muscles and how they can push and pull such high amounts of weight and be pushed through so much. When our heavenly father made us, dang he knew what he was doing. I marvel at the tiny details he added that make us individual. And the massive capacity we are able to retain in such a small organ, the brain. Parts of the brain aren't even understood by neurologists yet. Which is crazy, because most scientists seem to believe we have discovered everything there is to know about the body. Anyway, to make things short: Our body is a AMAZING!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Up to date thus far.

1.Let's see, my life.
My life. What an interesting sentence. And that is a sentence, i think. It has a subject. Doesn't that make it one ? And if it doesn't then it surely should be a sentence. Because that's a really strong sentence. Cause that's mine! My life. Not yours, not his, not hers, it's mine. The only thing that is truly and utterly mine, and that feels great.

2. I have heard this song played over and over again on different peoples computers and on webpages and i couldn't find the name of it and it was driving me crazy. People are calling it Bella's Lullaby, for twilight. I think this song is just too gorgeous to be apart of twilight. Don't get me wrong, i enjoy twilight...um enough said.
Anyway, so this song is my new favorite song, and will probably be up there for quite some time.
It is called, "river flows in you" - yiruma. It's amazing and you should look it up!

3. Last night I went to a musical theater showcase for my cousin Shelby, and she did a solo at the end of the show and it was FANTASTIC!!! Holy crap i didn't know where that came from, i knew that this girl could sing but she was going all out. I was so stinking proud and just had my mouth down the whole time i couldn't believe it, she was unbelieveable! But so believeable.

Oh!! I was going through pictures the other day on facebook. And I came across a tagged photo of me from my sophomore year of high school and I wanted to show you what I used to look like and how I may have improved (even if its just doing my hair) since then :

In tenth grade ----------------------------------------

---------------Now!
If you can't find me in the picture to the left, I am the one on the far left with the 90's bang that cover half my eyes. So I hope that I look even a tad bit different from that point. But do you know what sucks? Or is sad? I didn't get rid of those bangs until half way through my junior year of high school.....surprising?

Three things that have happened this week that I enjoy so far :
1. I started my new job, and I was done by 9:30 am!
2. I have a new infatuation with pretzels
3. I have clean clothes!


I am still getting used to the idea of being 20 , people ask me how old I am and the don't believe me, first off, that i am 20 so it has me thinking maybe i'm not 20 yet...but then i know i am. Why i bring this is up is because yesterday at my work there were a few women who came up to me and ask if i was old enough to even work out there....I think it is annoying looking like a 16 year old sometimes...i didn't think i look that young...but apparently i do. One of the women asked if I was 14 and if i could even workout here, I was like, "thanks, no actually i'm 20, i have graduated from high school, and i live in an apartment down in Provo", I guess that sentence could have been taken as rude but I knew she didn't believe me when I said i was 20. I think half the reason people don't think im 20 is because i'm short...and that is why i wear high heels.

And I seriously can't think of much else so write and am realizing how random this post was so sorry for the randomness, but I was bored and this is what comes of it!

haha!

Have a great "sun-filled" day, even if the sun decides not to show its face today!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

As the minutes tick by

So at this very moment i am procrastinating my last and final, final. I have gone of facebook, yahoo and finally here to blogger to see if anyone in the last several hours has posted anything for me to read. Alas, nothing. Not one tiny new detail about someones life that i can read about. It's quite sad really.. i love reading about people getting engaged, new babies, or how well they did on their final. It just gives me a sense of being apart of someones life even if they are several miles away, or just in the next room.
Anyway, tonight I was apart of a huge musical performance. My choir (UVU masterworks Chorale) ---(i hate the name by the way) and the utah valley symphony sang/performed, Brahms "Requiem". Last night we did it for the second time and i wasn't trying at all. I was barely singing the music, hardle paying attention to the conductor and the whole performance felt like a lifetime and a half. Literally, i could feel the life in me being sucked away and slowly trickling onto the floor. So in that hour i was miserable and was happier than i have ever been to have a performance end. So today, i was dreading as the minutes and hours ticked closer to the time that i had to drive over to the Covey arts center and sing that dang Requiem again. But, i went. And while i was waiting to be able to line up before the performance was to start i decided that I was going to actually "feel" the music this time. Enjoy it. Love it. And Live it. So i did. And during the performance I was amazed at so many beautiful technicalities I had missed the previous night. There is one part where the notes and phrasing of the choir were clinging onto the last note of a measure and everything just clicked. It was absolutely gorgeous, and I realized in that moment, WHY i love music so much. I love the way that it can transport all your 5 senses into a place you don't normally roam. You see magic within the notes and courage, adventure, doubt, love, peace, and joy in a matter of seconds. Melodies are trapped inside one another encompassed by the sneaky breath and the beautiful mood. You get goosebumps running up and down your body and you FEEL the music surrounding you. And THAT is why i do music, THAT is why i have stayed with music for so many years. It brings out the best in people, it shows that we are all different, but the same. There is happiness in the world, there is sadness. But with sadness comes great joy and a long fermata clinging onto that last moment of unbelief at how something could be so glorious.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

What's in a strand of hair?

Seriously, i just realized how much i despise washing my hair. It's ridiculous how much i absolutely hate washing my hair. Don't get me wrong, i love my long hair, but sometimes...it is just so much work. Especially when it takes the 20 minutes to wash it in the shower, 10 minutes for it to towel dry, 10 minutes - 15 minutes to blowdry it and usually another 10 - 15 minutes to straighten the darn thing. Geez, girls have it hard. What we go through to look cute for boys and they hardly notice half the time..
But, i love my hair, I just wish it wasn't so demanding with how you are supposed to take care of it. Bleh. And i'm done :)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Wow two decades = 7300 days!

Today, I turned 20.
Whoa!
If that doesn't kick someone into reality transitioning from a teenager to adult, then i'm not sure what will .

You know how the day you turn the "year older", you don't really FEEL older...yet. It isn't until you're about to grow another year older do you start feeling like that age. So it seems like I am in a continuous circle in which I will never be as "mature" as my actual age, because I takes half the year to get to that point. Haha. Maybe i am the only who thinks this way, but whatever is whatever, right?

So i was looking through photos of junior high school and even high school and i think that I am a tad different, some aspects more than others. I think that I am quite alot more mature than I was back in high school. Like any person would say. But I actually feel like the age I am (not trying to contradict what I said above), I look back at high school and realize that the drama that I felt was so trivial. And it really wasn't worth the effort to be prom queen, or go out with that specific guy, or be the main part in the school musical. High school is high school, and that's where it SHOULD stay...but it doesn't. *sigh* Nope college is slightly and sadly much like high school just at a slightly higher, shall we say, uping the stakes? Instead of just going on dates for fun and such, it is "if you go on a date with him then you're saying you want to marry the guy.." .....*cough cough* you're kidding, right?!?! Really? When did that mean i wanted to marry the guy? I thought it was about meeting people, making friendships, and THEN if you see something that may be something else then go for it kinda thing. No wonder boys are so afraid of asking us devilish girls out on dates. goodness.

Wow, random of the subject sorry...back to me!

So, yesterday my dear friend Laurie gave my some fantastic shoes and a journal in which I have the opportunity to write whatever I want in it. And along with this journal came three, unsightly pictures of me and Laurie going through our incredibly awkward teenage years. I wish that I had a scanner in which I could scan and reveal the awfulness of them. Let's just say that I will be awkward looking for the rest of my life. I'm almost positive that a few years from now I will be saying "what the crap was I doing with my hair" etc. etc. etc.
So might as well reap the moments in which I think I actually act/feel mature. HA!
Anyway, I was thinking about some random things that I have done through these 20 years of my life. And heck i haven't been doing too bad!

A list of things I think are worth writing about:
1. I learned how to ride my bike at age 4
2. I could swim on my own before floaties were cool
3. I could beat anyone at checkers. Since the 4th grade.
4. My first kiss was on the 1st grade playground. In 1st grade, with Mitchell Palmer.
5. I have broken all 10 of my fingers, I have a story for each and everyone one.
6. I flew a plane (my grandpa's)
7. I have been to Mexico, New york city, and Europe
8. I graduated from high school
9. I realized who my real friends are and i'm not letting them go.
10. I used to hate shoes, now i love them
11. I read Les Miserable, (the long one!)
12. I won 1st place in a Nickelodeon "Party at your school" drawing, and got many awesome toys. (you had to win grand prize for them to come to your school)
13. I have seen and sung for President Gordon B. Hinckely
14. I have learned that even though I make mistakes, I get right back on my feet and fix it. And now that I'm 20 I have to take responsibility for my actions (blah) And that you always have an opportunity to fix what you have messed up, but it would seriously be better not to mess up in the first place. (OH so easier said than done.!)

(Taken from Liesl, she tagged me, so I am obligated to do so)

8 things I did last week and this week:
1. I bought 5 new books and recieved two others for my birthday
2. I learned how to make curry
3. Maybe have decided on a major, and decided i'm quite indecisive
4. Half cleaned my room
5. Realized that half of Utah county is getting married this year.
6. Felt incredibly thuggish at a hip-hop class.
7. Went swimming, inside, it was raining.
8. Went to get my car registered...didn't pass...4 times...and still hasn't passed

8 favorite current books ( in no particular order)
1. The 13 reason why
2. The book thief
3. The pendragon series
4. The Harry Potter Series
5. Peter pan
6. Wildwood dancing
7. Ella Enchanted
8. The other Boyeln Girl

8 Fave broadway shows (It was supposed to be resturants, but liesl changed it to broadway shows and I enjoyed that idea very much)
1. Wicked (so amazing, so passionate, so true)
2. Les Miserables (changed my life, and was heart wrentching)
3. West Side Story (fantastic music, drama, and love)
4. The Drowsy Chaperone (can't get enough of it, so slap sticky, so so funny)
5. Hairspray(I can't believe people can dance like that AND sing at the same time!)
6. Thouroughly Modern Millie (tap, loathing turned to love, 1920's mm)
7. Once On This Island (the story and dancing was lovely)
8. Footloose (dancing, story, love the music)

8 things I'm looking forward to:
1. Spring, spring, spring
2. My haircut tomorrow
3. A new start
4. My car being registered
5. More books and shoes in the future
6. Getting better at drawing
7. Catching one of those ducks
8. Getting a job

8 wishes
1. I had a million bucks
2. Be able to hear people's thoughts
3. World Pea-----actually. hmmm
4. save the polar bears!
5. Travel everywhere
6. To know what i want to do in life
7. To do have a kitty and doggy
8. to be tri-lingual

8 people to tag
Leah
Erin
Asheigh
Heather
That man on the corner of 5th and Main.
J.K. Rowling (Good idea Liesl)
That cute guy at Tucanos' (haha)
Anyone else with time to kill

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Well, the feeling doesn't go away.

“I am sometimes disappointed, but I love my life ... and I must believe that the disappointments contribute something to what I love.” - Jan Denise
I didn't make Beauty and the Beast. Not even as a spoon, or a rug or anything. I got the email this morning and now I am kinda having a crumby day. Is that understandable or am I acting immature? If i'm acting immature than i'm sorry, but i need to rant out my feeling just a tad bit, so that I can feel better and move on with my life.
What did i do wrong?
Did i do anything right?
A month before this audition I had auditioned for another show at the Scera. The director, my friends' dad helped me after the auditioned by telling me what I could do better in future audtions.
Having a Character.
Be animated.
Have fun.
I didn't make it in the other show either.
Maybe, i'm not supposed to do theater. Maybe i am never what people are looking for. Maybe i'm better for a place, in a cubicle, for the rest of my life. Guess I better start looking. Sigh.
But, the thing is, everytime I audition for a show, everytime! they say, "you have such a beautiful voice", "you have improved SO much", "Why haven't I seen you here before?"
And then, a week later when the cast list comes out, i'm not on it...again.
If you don't think i have a chance of getting into the show, then TELL ME. Don't sugar coat it! I hate when people sugar coat things, I would much rather be told the truth then be dragged along slowly and painfully down the road of hope and dreams, and have them crushed at the end of the road with a piles of huge boulders of pain and disappointment.

But,

“I am sometimes disappointed, but I love my life ..."

I do, I do love my life. Last week in church was the first time I bore my testimony in the last three years, I was shaking like a bat, but I did it. I am finding and meeting new people in the scriptures, people i have heard about and "read" about in church, but now I am getting to know them.
In voice lesson, I am learning an Italian song.
It's hard.
But i love it, everytime i sing it.
I know I sing classically better than musical theater. I just envy the people that can do both (Erin). :) (love ya girl)

I guess this is a learning experience and maybe the Lord is telling me that I am not supposed to do theater, I'm not supposed to be on stage, i'm just supposed to stay in the back, behind a few more people, in a choir...
sigh.
hmmm

Well there you go.


"...and I must believe that the disappointments contribute something to what I love."


I love music
I just cant seem to express myself in it the right way.