I recently found this blog which is called, "Things I Can't Say"--Spilling it out on this blog. She writes all that she feels wouldn't be appropriate to say to someone's face or would be too scary and not worth the retort that could result from being honest.
She has this "Pour Your Heart Out With Me" Wednesdays where we as bloggers follow in her footsteps about writing whatever we need or feel we should write about.
I am a day late but there is something that I do want to write about and in the following weeks I'll follow her schedule of Wednesdays.
I'm having issues with the whole possibly not being able to a stay at home mom in the future.
I'll be honest, I don't want to work.
I want to stay home, be a mom, and only be a mom.
Sure I'll get my degree but do I really want to do anything with it besides apply it to mothering my future children?
Not really.
Not really.
I want to be able to be there for children and not be away from them longer than it needful.
I don't need time away from my family.
I even hate taking time away from Matt.
I would rather stay home with Matt but I know I need to keep my relationship with friends and family alive and well because they are important too.
I'll be honest, some days I desperately want to be a mom.
Right. Now.
Then there are days where I'm scared out of my pants to be one.
There are always the reoccurring questions swirling around my head:
"What if the child has a disability?"
"What if we can't afford having a child?"
"What if it is as hard as everyone says it is?"
"What if I'm not a good mom?"
"What if...."
"What if..."
"What if I'm not a good mom?"
"What if...."
"What if..."
The list is endless and yet I feel this constant pull to be a mom sooner than later.
But society sees it differently.
I can't count how many times acquaintances, friends, and family have told me straight out that Matt and I should wait a few years before even thinking about having kids.
"You should wait till you have more income."
"You should wait till you're done with school."
"Why would anyone get pregnant so fast? Don't they want to spend time with each other?"
I have had a few closer friends get married, and come to find they are pregnant soon after they get married.
Honeymoon babies people call them.
I find myself incredibly excited for them...
Then a creeping feeling of jealously sneaks in.
I do not know when the right time to have a child would be.
Is there anytime that is perfect?
I don't know.
Some days I feel that if I were more diligent in reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and inviting the spirit into my life more that it would be easier to figure out when the right to have a child would be.
I need to do better at the spiritual side of my life.
In that aspect I have gotten extremely lazy.
That may be one of the answers to my questions.
God will tell us when it is the right to have a child.
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I won't lie though,
If I could just finish my degree...
Get Matt through school...
Have him find a job...
...We have babies
...I could stay home
...and be a mom.
Sigh.
Yes, I'm baby crazy some days and other days I'm not sure what I am.
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3 comments:
We were married a little over a year before I found out I was pregnant. Our pregnancy wasn't planned though. I loved that year being married with just us. In my opinion, it wasn't too short or too long of a wait. I even find myself sometimes wanting another baby. I need to tell myself give it a year or two. It's already hard enough with your first.
This is EXACTLY how I feel! Some days I tell Ammon that I want one NOW. Other days I think there is no way I'm ready. But I think we're never "truly" ready until it's happening. Thank goodness for those 9 months to plan. :) I also wonder when the right time is. I think prayer and attending the temple is the key. The temple is the closest thing to heaven and so much inspiration can be given there. :)
Everything is up to the couple, of course, but Kristen and I agreed we would wait at least a year. In my opinion, you kinda need that time to get to know each other and get used to each other as a couple. Because when the kids grow up and leave, it's just going to be you two again. If you never took that time to get used to each other, you're going to have an even harder time later, when you're set in your ways. But there's no "right" time to have kids. Have them when you feel you're ready. Not when society or others tell you (and that includes family members/parents). P.S. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom.
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