New Year, New Me

With the new year coming in a short two days it's hard not to think about the past year. Where I have been, Who I have been, and What I did. The Good, the Bad, the Ugly. The lists of things I planned on doing and never finishing, and lists of things I wanted to accomplish and surprised myself by finishing. The planned, the spontaneous, etc. I have come to realize that I am not a very organized person. I go with flow, I live each day as it's own moment. I don't look too far into the future, I never have. But I contemplate and spend more than I should thinking about the past, reliving the past, wishing I didn't do things, or wishing I did. I have too many "What if's" in my life that I sometime forget about the good that is happening in my life at the present moment. These moments that will soon be past, that I will soon relive in my mind. Why then would I make these moments, the moments of the present, anything but great? (I think I just found my theme for the coming year)

Food for thought...in the past year:
How many breaths you've taken?
How many steps you've taken?
How many hours you've spent driving?
How many songs you've listened to?
How many times you've listened to certain song?
How many movies you've watched?
How many words you've read?
How many pieces of gum you've chewed?
How many texts you've sent?
How many hours you've spent at school?
How many times you've blinked?
How much money you've spent?
How many times you've brushed your teeth?
How many hours you've slept sleeping?
How many times you've said, "Hi"?
How many miles you've driven?
How many people you've met?
and most important:
How many lives you've have changed?

This coming year I want to be a different person. I don't want to be defined by things that have happened in this year of 2010. I know everyone says, "This new year is going to be THE BEST YEAR EVER) ...that works for about the month of January, maybe a few days into February. I don't expect it to be the best year ever. But I would like to think that I will have the most growth in this coming year, in many ways. I want to grow spiritually. Get closer to my heavenly father and quite possibly have an amazing spiritual experience in Nauvoo this coming summer. I just have to prove that I want it.

I want this year to be a time of secular learning, letting go of the past, getting on the road (and staying) to become who I'm supposed to be. This idealistic person I have in my mindset.

A new year brings about new beginnings.

I think that's why we get one every 365 days.

It gives us a moment to re-evaluate our lives, to see how we are doing in all aspects.

It gives us a chance to scrap the bad, and bring in the good.

Throw away the trash of the past.

An opportunity to move forward, start anew.

So for the coming year, try your best to make it your best.

If you get down and days are not ideal, find the good and focus on that.

Anything that is good, comes from God.

If we have a focus on Him, no matter what happens in the coming year will be for our good.

Our growth.

Our eternal progression.

So to everyone, I love you. And good luck in the coming year. Be HAPPY it's a NEW YEAR! 2011 is another year that we are all blessed to have. Live everyday as if it was your first...live everyday. Period. Don't waste a moment in regret, depression, or longing for what could have been. See the future, the bright light that it is and run to it :)

I'm going to try and do the same thing!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

People getting married, getting married

In the past week 4 friends of mine of either gotten engaged or hitched, one including an ex boyfriend of mine. People say it would be weird to hear of an ex getting engaged, I didn't believe them...now I do.

It's weird to think that you and this person had something "special" at one time on another and then you hear of them planning on spending the rest of their life with someone else. Someone, more than likely, will have some of the same pet names, do some of the same activities, kissing, hugging, enjoying each other's company just as you did. When you were dating them. Am I so crazy to think that's a little weird? (I know some smartypants pants is going to come along and say in their head, "Well did you really expect him to just swoon over you, never letting go since you guys broke up and still wish you were together, and regret that he ever let you go?") Well Yes! Duh! .....Joke. No. Really, I don't think that, but it's still feels like that person has a part of you, they always will. You gave them secrets, you went through ups and downs and all arounds with them. Good memories, and bad memories. You gave a little piece of your heart away.

And you'll never get it back.

Well that was a little soap boxy (boxie? boxen?) now wasn't it?

I woke up this morning with marriage on the brain (as you can tell) and this little saying was, sprawled on the wall of the room I was in--- in my dream. It said, "Hope, Charity, Love, and Patience are the foundations of a good marriage." I think I just had a profound moment.

(Me! Profound!)

And so I wrote it down and I think whenever the dickens I get married that I will try to live those 4 little words. As I hear stories of what married people go through I start to think those 4 little words may be very helpful in the years to come, whenever marriage does come around.

"Marriage is the greatest happiness here on earth" - Brother Eggett

Hope: "What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise." If you don't have hope which can also be associated with faith then getting very far in life will be extremely difficult especially when you are trying to do it on your own. And when was the last time you looked back at a trial and realized it has made you a better person, a better version of you.( I have started to notice these things myself..it's ok you're not the only one ) God knows what he is doing.

Charity: "And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that when ye are in service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." Self explanatory.

Love: "The most important thing in life is to learn how to give our love, and let it come in." This morning I went to go visit my grandmother and as I was walking out the door she said something along the lines of, "Love yourself, take care of yourself. Because you are the only one that will love you as much as you love yourself." I took it to heart, if we don't love ourselves and see the beauty that is on the inside and outside we will never truly be able to love others. Even though it's hard at times to see the masterpiece we are, we must try.

Patience: "God always teaches us patience, when we do not have time for the lesson." If we do not have patience with those around us then we cannot see past what is the issue and see that people are not perfect, people make mistakes. Everyone has a past, but everyone is yearning and planning for a better future. Nothing can be done alone. And there is always someone there to give us a helping hand.

What it boils down to is Christ. Christ is what we need to center our lives around. Our single lives, our married lives, our young family lives, grown up families, work place lives, retired lives , and into the eternities. Whenever it happens for me and whenever it happens for you, if we want marriage to work we must have God central in that union. That's the only way it will work.

(What a shpeal this has been huh?)

He is Hope. He is Charity. He is Love. He is Patience.

Christ is everywhere, Christ is in this season and he is throughout the whole year, we sometimes have to go searching for him, because we are the ones who have turned and walked the other way for a time, but he is always there...in the same spot waiting for us.. (NieNie says it really well right HERE: if you're feeling down about something you've done or are at a time in life that seems less than satisfactory) I'm beginning to realize how much of an affect he has on this world, this tiny globe that we call home.

In the spirit of the season, Merry Christmas to one and all. Remember Christ the Lord and the Love, and everything He has done for us. It truly is Amazing Grace!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

A Christmas Carol

As many of you may know I am in the Hale Center Theater in Orem's production of, "A Christmas Carol" I am a soprano in the choir and loving it! Plus I get a huge hoop skirt dress (beauitful!) so i'm going to do a little (COME SEE MY SHOW!!) shpeal...yes that is a word.

So in short: Come see this show, or you will be haunted by three ghosts! Jk. Or you can just come see it because you know i'm in it! You can buy tickets HERE. (Go on, click it)

The show is already 93% sold out!

December 1 - 23

More specifically I am in the M,W,F cast...BUT even MORE specifically here are the days in which I will be playing : 8, 11(8:00pm), 13, 20-23 (every showing) Hope to see you there!

Dear Friend

I wanted to take a moment to apologize for everything...I wish this was different and I wish certain things hadn't transpired. I wish that I was a different person when we came together. I was not the ideal for you, especially so fresh off your journey. You needed so much better but I ended up helping knocking you down a few pegs and bringing you to a place you never should have experienced. I hope that someday I may be able to reconcile with you. Now as you're trying to regain your footing please know and remember this apology for me being a hindrance and in some ways a devil's advocate. I know I am responsible for the pain and grief you now bear in more ways than one. I hope that in the future in any way I could help you, you'll let me. . I am so sorry. You mean the world and more to me, but I have failed to really show that to you. I'm sorry my dear friend. I'm sorry for letting you down.

Sincerely with Love,

Brianna

"Baby you can start again.

Laughing in the open air; have yourself another dream.

Tonight.

Maybe we can start again."

Just like my blog title

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

It takes courage to not be selfish

It takes courage to stand up to what isn't right

It takes courage to continue fighting for something you know is right

It takes courage to climb a hurtle, no matter what it is

It takes courage to say what you need to say

It takes courage to be who you want to be

And It takes courage to do what YOU feel is right, when everything else is raging against you, when life seems to be too easy and a bump in the road is thrown into the mix, when life seems hopeless from a stupid choice, when you wake up and realize the thing you've done, when you know life will be ok, when you know that everything will turn out for the best, when you know that it IS all worth fighting for.

THAT is when we start to grow up and become who we really are, and by that time we notice that we've been scared the whole time but we haven't taken a moment to let ourselves realize. THAT is the true change of heart, and that is what can move mountains, split oceans, and create wonderful moments no one would ever care to forget.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are...it takes courage to continue on after somethings got you down. But in the end, it is SO worth it.

Unexpected Tears

This is a story about LDC I fear that I may talk about it too much; either through messaging, talking, facebook, etc. But it and the experiences that happen within LDC have been my rock for the past little while so I cannot not talk about it.

Tuesday in LDC I was scheduled to give a devotional at the beginning of class before we started working on music. I had everything prepared, scripture ready, personal story, and musical selection I was to sing before the class. I was prepared for sure, or so I thought. I got up in front of the class took a deep breath and dove right into to what I wanted to say it went a little something like this:

"I feel in someways I have walked int he same path as Alma the Younger. For sometime I didn't necessarily reject the gospel. but I fought against in my mind. I would always ask questions, bes satisfied with the answer given for but a moment. The next day I would continue on in life not actin on what was told me before. I was wading through the river of life. I was taking the "easy" way, or so I thought. Things happen in everyone's lives, we make decisions we regret, we make decisions that we don't regret yet we say to ourselves, "what was I thinking?" The past few years have been some of the most trying times in my life spiritually. I look back now and am flabbergasted that I am standing here today taller spiritually. Even though at times I didn't want to talk with God because I felt unworthy and unfit, even though I don't always do all I should, even though I make stupid decisions sometimes not thinking before acting, "I know that time brings change and change takes time." Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are always there just as they were for Alma the Younger. They never will leave our side. ---I have a scripture I want to read from Mosiah 27:28-29...

"Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God. My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity, I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more."

I broke down at the end of the verse, I was flooded with emotion; my heart was racing and I just couldn't stop crying. I don't cry, I have never cried when I have felt the spirit but this time was different. It was odd and I wasn't sure how to deal with it so I just continued the best I could. The accompanist started playing and I squeaked out the words to the song. I tried my best to sing through my sobs, I tried to covey the message of the song, the best I could. I felt an overwhelming joy, I felt a new and I felt like everything was going to be OK in my life. I felt the spirit more than I have in a very long time, it is a feeling that I will not soon forget, if EVER forget. I took me by surprise, cause if you know me, you know that I don't cry when I feel the spirit. ---This time was definitely different, and if the devotional was for anyone it was for me. It was so incredible for me personally that I don't have words to even give justice to what I felt. Sure, I felt a bit silly for sobbing in front of 60 people who I see everyday, but I think it was worth, at least to me. I needed to feel that, and I know the Lord wanted me to feel it and that is all that matters.

This is the song I sang for the Devotional, it is one that I fell upon in high school, a dear friend sent it to me. It is a song that has gotten me through many long and lonely nights crying to myself and talking with God about my life and how I would get through the present trial. It is very dear to my heart, pay particular attention to the words, they are wonderful.

(River God)

Rolling River God
Little Stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So I am a stone
rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill

CHORUS:
But when I close my eyes
and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
and change takes time
And when the sunset comes
my prayer would be just this one
that you might pick me up
and notice that I am
just a little smoother in your hand

Sometimes raging wild
sometimes swollen high
never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of you
is where I want to stay
and feel the sharpest edges wash away

I want to paint

Yesterday afternoon I was feeling a bit fat, because I hadn't been excersising or running in the past week so I decided that I was going to go workout at curves. I got all dressed and ready for the gym, stepped outside looked up at the clouds and stopped dead in my tracks.

There was the one of the most beautiful sunsets I have seen in awhile.

Little blurp: I love this time of the year, there is something going on up the atmosphere on this earth that makes the sunset so dang beautiful, every year during this time. It is quite magical.

As I was saying, I stopped in my tracks looked up and beheld a gorgeous piece of work that God had given me to look at. The oranges, yellows, a splash of pink and some purples thrown in there too. I decided NOT to go workout at curves, I decided to go on a run up 400 south so that I could stare at this sunset for whatever time was remaining. So I began my run and forgot about everything else in the world besides this sunset. I ran to Glee's version of "Singing in the Rain/Umbrella" for some reason it seemed to fit and I had slight want of a sudden rainstorm to start (but sadly nothing happened) The sunset slowly faded away, taking with it the gorgeous rays of the sun, brings in the rolling clouds and dark night.

Oh, and I want to start painting, why must it be so much money!

Hey pretty lady

I'm answering a friend's question: What are you grateful for?

Sadly, I don't think about this question very often. I go through the motions of life expecting or wanting more than I have, rarely taking time to sit down and count my blessings and really contemplate what I AM thankful for. So let me indulge for this little moment in the things that I am grateful for.

Starting out: I am grateful for my life. I'll be honest some days I loathe my life, I hate what is happening and I ask the question, "Why me?" but there are those days when everything is wonderful. Like today for instance, which leads into the next thing that I am grateful for LDC. Latter-day Celebration choir at the institute. I love it. At the beginning of the year Bro. Eggett was talking with the choir and said that some people that were let into the choir, the choir needed. Others, like myself, needed the choir. Everyday is a spiritual experience, there are moments when I can't believe that the spirit filled the room as it just did. This morning the choir woke up at 5, met at the institute at 5:40 to drive down to Salem, UT to sing to some early morning high school students. When we got there we surrounded the kids and we sang our songs, as always the spirit was there, we sounded wonderful and there were just moments where you could tell and KNOW that this gospel is true. Which the the next thing I am thankful for.

I am grateful for The gospel of Jesus Christ. I have never ever been one with my own testimony, for years I would always bounce around, listen to others and base mine off of what others would say. But recently (since I got into LDC) I have wanted to really find out the answers to these questions. So I have been reading, praying, and trying to listen as closely as I could to the spirit. The change in my heart has been astounding. I can recognize the spirit at the drop of a hat, I get confirmation to questions in class while we are singing. And I now have a testimony of the restored gospel and of Joseph Smith. I KNOW that Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ. I don't know how I know, but I know. And it is the first time in my life that I can type of say that without feeling the regret of, "maybe I don't know..." I'm grateful that the Lord was and is still patient with me in everyday of my life. I'm not perfect and I'm not doing all that I should every hour of everyday, but I'm trying. I am grateful I have the ability and coherence to try.

I am grateful for my friends namely: Veraunica, Ashleigh, Shelby, Blue, Erin, Liesl, and all others who except me for who I am. Where I can sing loudly in the car and they won't stare at me like i'm crazy...(well maybe the will, but we cool like that) They will quote movies with me, cry with me, give me advice when I don't know where to turn. And love me no matter the decisions I make and help me to be better. I need to let them know how much they mean to me, I don't know if I let them know enough. Thanks guys. I am grateful for my mom and her smile every day, her worries about me, her want to help in anyway she can, and I'm SO grateful for her cooking skills. mmm

I am grateful for the little small beauties that God gives us. The sun shining through the clouds, the majestic mountain landscape we get to take in everyday, the cool night air and the stars above. I am so grateful for the beauty of the earth. I am grateful for opportunities to have those quiet moments just to sit and ponder and learn about yourself. I am grateful for trials, they make us grow. I have seen the good that comes from them even if I don't see it until later down the road. I am grateful for so many things that I could go on for hours. But I will stop here.

It's crazy to think of how much we take for granted, once you start counting your blessings and realizing how much you are grateful for you realize just how fantastic your life really is.

What are you grateful for?

Just some wishes

Let's get real:

I want to have more money

I want to be more confident

I want to get married

I want to have a place of my own

I want to have a family of my own

I want to right wrongs

I want to have continuous sunshine

I want to have warm rain

I want to sing loudly without complaint

I want to go to BYU

I want to be graduated

I want to be sure about the future

I want to have a second chance

I want to be known

I want to be uncontrolled

I want to be sure

I want to make decisions on a whim

I want to eat without worrying about calories

I want to cook a 7 course meal

I want to kiss underneath the stars

I want to wish upon the moon

I want to lay in a pile of fall colored leaves giggling at life and it's fun features

I want to cry the pain away

I want to breathe in the cold air

I want to be the person i've always wanted to be

I want to share my testimony

I want to be there for my friends, like they've been there for me

I want to be someone people will remember

I want to have lasting relationships

I want to make a difference in someone's life

I want to remember the good days

I want to learn from the bad

I want to find something i'm passionate about

I want to live each day as if it were my last

I'm expanding my music and I fell upon this

Turning over a new colored leaf

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I can breathe, even though my nose is stuffed with about a gallon of snot. Where I can look around and see that life is in fact beautiful, there isn't enough time to take everything in that is good. I feel a new sense of power or strength, which I haven't felt in the last few months. I was broken, and I'm slowly putting my life back together. I am learning new things about myself, realizing things I once knew and our returning to the fore front of my mind. I'm growing. I'm growing taller spiritually and confidently, I can stand my own and tell someone my opinion of something without the apprehension. It's an odd feeling to break barriers or control something in life.

I was reading a friend of mine's blog the other day and the whole blog was about her, and how amazing she was. How individuality made her beautiful and if people didn't like they didn't have to like her. She was saying that she was proud to be in her skin. She was grateful for experiences given to her and the kind of person that she is becoming and still growing to be. I would like to now take that same route and talk about myself for a moment.

I am short, but I feel that people see me for much more than just my size. I can have an impact on people through a gift that was given to me by my Heavenly Father. He gave me the love of music and the ability to share my passion for it through song. I am individual, I am unique. There is not one person on this earth that is exactly or even remotely like me. Sure we may share different traits but as a whole I am singular, no plurals of me. I can act crazy dancing, singing, and driving in my car and i'm ok with it, i'm comfortable in skin. I enjoy who I am. I love who I am. I may not be happy with certain aspects of my life at times, or I may covet what others have, but by golly I love myself. And I am proud of that fact. I have so much to give the world and I'm just barely realizing this, I have so much promise and so much good I can do.It's crazy that moments of pure sadness can help me realize the potential I have and what I can conquer.

I love my life, I love my friends, my family and everything in between.
I better start praying because life is just going way too good...something bad is bound to happen.

Don't mean to dwell but ...

this is the story of my life...

And if you're visual HERE are the lyrics:

I wonder if you think of me, whenever I think of you.

Think about the times we had, the things we used to do.

I know we had out down times, but boy we had our highs.

I never realized how much I cared, I hope you know I never lied.

I took the time we had and didn't cherish it as I should,

I now live with the regret for letting you down, and losing you for good.

I now often wonder about the future and what it will hold.

For once upon a time with you I thought I would grow old.

Times have changed, only memories left to sustain what could have been.

I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused you, i'm sorry we didn't win.

We had the chance to reach the moon and fly on towards the sun,

Although difficult times being long and hard put a hold onto our song.

I hope that days may once again be filled with that light.

Am I holding onto an empty dream, accompanied with tears?

I'm afraid that everything that is progressing will only cement my fears

I'm unsure if these words will ever find your eyes, mind, or heart

Having said that...

I always loved you...even though I didn't show it, from the very start.

Songs can sometimes portray what is felt better than your own words...

Maybe I'm a dreamer

Maybe I'm misunderstood

Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should

Maybe I'm crazy

(Maybe I'm crazy)

Maybe I'm the only one

(Maybe I'm the only one)

Maybe I'm just out of touch

Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change

And leave it all behind

I've never been one to walk alone

I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong

To reach for something more

To wanna live a better life

What am I waiting for?

'Cause nothing stays the same

Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless

(Maybe it's hopeless)

Maybe I should just give up

(Maybe I should just give up)

What if I can't trust myself?

What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change

And leave it all behind

I've never been one to walk alone

I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong

To reach for something more

To wanna live a better life

What am I waiting for?

'Cause nothing stays the same

Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change

And leave it all behind

I've never been one to walk alone

I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change

And leave it all behind

I've never been one to walk alone

I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong

To reach for something more

To wanna live a better life

What am I waiting for?

'Cause nothing stays the same

Maybe it's time to change

'Cause nothing stays the same

Maybe it's time to change

***After you've lost everything, maybe IT IS time to change...

I'm so heartsick. I can't seem to catch a breath fast enough before the tears come back.

I hurt inside.

I hurt because I know I messed something amazing up and I don't know if I will get it back. I hurt because I lost it because of who I am, where I am in life. Who I am not. I wasn't trying, I wasn't putting forth the effort that was needed.. so therefore, why should I get the prize? I haven't worked and now that I've lost it I want to work hard and I am working hard, but it doesn't mean i'm going to get it back.

"What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

I'm falling to pieces"

I know I have to figure things out on my own... still doesn't make it hurt any less.

Happiness: LDC: Latter-day Celebration

There is this choir at the institute of religion in Orem, Utah.

A choir that many want to be apart of.
Including myself.

Last year I tried out for this choir...
No go.
Nada.
No entry.
Turn back now.
(It was a sad day)

Now, 365 days later (approx.)
I tried out again
I walked up those looming steps
Stepped onto the X and...
was asked to talk to those around me for the choir director needed to get up and walk.
I talked and met Jessica and John.
We talked about driving outside, hiking, and backpacking in the outdoors
10 minutes later.
The director came back. Sat down.
I was invited to start singing.
I started to sing.
Singing, "How could I ever know" from the Secret Garden.
(I love this song)
(I had the opportunity to sing it as a duet in high school, with a guy I liked/like)
(I may be bias, but I thought it kicked butt)
I thought hard to remember the words.
I was shaking like a leaf.
Hands sweating but eyes fixed on the prize.
Messed up on a phrase, but it didn't phase.
I sang with all my heart.
I sang through the shaking, through the sweaty hands, and through the doubt.
I put feeling into the song.
I sang like I used to.
I love music.
I ended and was told that it was sung beautifully.
I walked to my seat.
Adrenaline pulsing through my veins.
I felt good about the audition.
I felt accomplished.
(That in itself was a good feeling)

Next day: List goes up
Morning time schooling
List goes up at noon
Devotional at noon
Looking at list at 1
Couldn't wait while in the devotional,so I excused myself to go look at the list.
I walked slowly towards the door.
I first tried to find my cousin's name on the sheet.
I Found it! Yay, she got in!
Next, I slowly scan from the bottom up and land on 13 letters.
13 glorious letters
Written in the same black ink as the rest of the page.
B-r-i-a-n-n-a--P-e-t-t-i-t
I had gotten in.
I had gotten in..
Oh my goodness!
I had gotten in!!!
My heart flooded with joy and happiness that I haven't felt in awhile
I couldn't stop smiling
My heart swelling with complete bliss.
I was going to be in a magnificent choir.
A choir where every individual is a missionary for the lord, through music.
What could be better?
(Very few things in this world)

I'm on an emotional high
and
I'm not quite sure when i'll be coming down.

Sunsets

(Not the sunset I saw)

For the past little while I have made an effort to get my butt down to the provo temple on sundays to read. I grab my blanket, ensign, scriptures, writing utensils, and find a spot of ground right within the temple grounds. I sometimes sit right in front of the temple on the grass but last night I ended up without a blanket and on a bench. I was reading the ensign and had a visitor, a certain boy, come and enjoy the sights with me.

We were talking mostly about his mission and such when I looked up towards the temple and saw this amazing display of the deepest, darkest blue I ever seen. I suddenly realized that the sunset had started and as I glanced to my left I see a flooding of gorgeous pinks and oranges in the sky. All intertwining within the delicately placed clouds, which resembled newly whipped meringue for lemon pie. I directed my eye farther across the sky to the northwest and saw a layered canopy of color. Starting with a luscious golden yellow down to the lightest blue, almost resembling the color of the blue sugar coated peeps you get at easter time. More towards the west was the dark, dark purple, almost black, circling about teasing its audience with a threatening thunder every now and then. And circling back around again to the deep blue that almost looked cartoonish. The colors that filled the sky last night, I have NEVER seen in a sunset, at least all at the same time.

I'm starting to think that was one of God's little tender mercies to help us, or namely me, remember that there is beauty all around. We just need to notice it more often, instead of taking so much of it for granted.

Better Than A Hallelujah

I found this song today on a friend of mine's blog. I loved the words that she thought to write along with it. You can read it HERE.

This song seems to fit my life at the moment. The uncertainty, the sadness, the grief. But also the Happiness, Joy, and much needed Second chances.

"We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody. Beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts.

Are better than a Hallelujah"

Our True Identity

Sometimes, Some days, and Some wheres I feel like the 'Ugly Duckling'.

Down and Out.

Irritated and hard on myself.

More often than not, feeling as though life would be easier for those around me, if I just let them alone.

Thank goodness for wonderful men such as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, to lift my spirits and many others around the world.

"... recognize who you truly are, glorious sons and daughters of almighty God."

Letter from God

I received this is an email the other and thought it was really good.

Dear (insert your name),
As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped that you would talk to me, even if it were just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear. When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were too busy. At one point you had to wait, fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me, but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all your activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me. I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet. You went home and it seems as if you had lots to do. I don't know if you like TV or not. Just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it, not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again, as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me. Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into your bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I've got patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well. I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer, thought, or a thankful part of your heart. It's hard to have a one-sided conversation. Well, you are getting up once again, and once again I will wait with nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day.

Your friend ~ God

Life is all about being unsure

Over the past little while (when I say a little while, I mean a few years) I think that I haven't been who I am able to be. I have made decisions that have taken my life down different roads, that have given me experience and helped me grow. But also have slowed my progression. I have just begun to really see the person I could be. I have tried doing life by myself, and it hasn't worked. Nothing has worked. It seems to me that I am a hard-headed individual.
One that needed a knock in the head to really see what needed to be done.
I have always been on my own, I have had my parents and siblings, but I have always felt I could take care of myself. To figure out the situation on my own, and not need outside help. It turns out that everyone needs some outlet or they go crazy. They keep these emotions inside and they are then projected outward without the person knowing. I sometimes get into stupid emotional lows that seem to hit me when I'm trying to do my best. I get discouraged and down on myself and mentally abuse myself with words that, "I'll never be able to get through this"..."I'm stupid."..."I have never or never will be this or this"
But I have come to realize that I'm not any of those things. I am a daughter of my heavenly father, who loves me. Me. He loves me even after I have made mistakes, He loves me when I feel down and out, He loves me when I make good decisions. He loves me when I use my talents, He loves me in times of need. He loves me and understands the wants of my heart. And the list goes On and On.
I have realized that life isn't going about it alone. It is putting your faith and trust in the Lord and letting his hand guide you to the things that will make you happy and will prepare you for comings of the future.

Alma 38: 5 "...as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trails, and your troubles, and your afflictions."

Many A Mile

Today I was driving down towards Provo and ended up on University Avenue, which is hit or miss when it comes to traffic. Today was not the day to take University Ave. There hundreds of runners running down the street, policemen posted at every intersection and the road sized down to a single lane. At first I was a bit annoyed at people having the gall to run on "my road" on the road that I needed to drive on to get to my friends house. (Mind you it was pretty early in the morning, about 7 or 8 ish) So I was a little mean and then out of the corner of my eye I saw the sign telling me that it was the Utah Valley Marathon. And that these people were on mile 23 of 26. I don't know what happened in that split second, it may be my hormones from the visitor every girl receives every month, or that I have just been needed to cry for the last little while.

I cried.

I actually started crying, while driving in my car slowly past these people who had almost accomplished a huge task. Running 26 miles. I later found out they started in the canyon at 3:30 in the morning and had been running since. It was an inspirational moment for me. I was so proud of those people and wanted to be like them. Halfway down I saw a woman with a medal around her neck come running up to one of the still running runners and gave her a huge hug and they both continued on towards the finish line. It was a touching, "you had to be there" moment.

These people made my day, by doing something that I can't even fathom doing for a very long time. There were young and old. Large and small. Tall and short. All different kinds of people doing the exact same thing and showing the pureness of human endurance. I loved it and I got my cry. Happy tears though ( did ya read that erin and liesl...happy tears. Me crying happy tears...never thought I'd see that happen. )

Randomness is a past time I like to partake in

My mind is like Mystery Google.
If you have never used Mystery Google it is a thing to behold. You type something in and you the answer you get is the question that the person before you, somewhere in the world, typed before you. You never know the kind of things that will come up. Questions ranging from, "What if zombies ruled the world" to "How to zip your pants with your toes" (No joke, i got that one once) But that's beside the point. The point is that my mind sometimes comes up with these random out of the blue questions that surprise the people i'm talking with and on occasion surprise myself with them.
I guess that paragraph in itself was a "Mystery Google" type of tangent. That had no real significance to what i am actually wanting to write about.

I work out at Curves. Yes that place that you only see women above the age of 40 enter into. Yes, that is my gym. I worked there for about year and have been going ever since. But one day this week while I was working out (super hard ya, know) I looked around at the different ages of women who were in the room. The ranged from my age of 21 up to 84! And I realized that some days I don't think about how long these ladies had actually lived. I wasn't thinking about the things the had accomplished. In that moment, for whatever reason, I thought that everyone was in the same stage as me. That they didn't know what they were doing with their life, they may be dating or married but had some of the same doubts as me. They have lived much longer and I feel like sometimes people my age, including myself, sometimes forget about the people who are all around and the vast wisdom the possess. Because in reality, they are MUCH older, and I can't even fathom being that old in the near future. And I won't be. It takes a long time to get to that age. To get to a place where you are happy with yourself inside and out. Life is the longest thing we do. Besides marriage.
That's another thing. A lot of my friends have been getting engaged and been married or are getting married in the VERY near future. Some having had very long engagements/courting and others who met the person and were engaged 2 weeks later. I guess it just happens for some people. What if i am one of those people who wants to take as much as I can to get to know the person I could marry, see their imperfections, see the REAL them. Get past the infatuation phase so that I can see clearly and not have the rose colored glasses blaring in my eyes? Is that so wrong? Sometimes I get the feeling from people, that it is. And then there are others who say that waiting till your 30 to get married is the "way to go". What if i'm one of those people who wants to have a family by the time she is 3o. hmmm. Not sure that goes hand in hand waiting till 30. That was off the subject. But what I'm trying to get at, is that marriage is the 2nd to longest thing will ever do, next to life being the longest. That's a big, big, big deal! that's a huge decision. Maybe I have commitment issues.. does it sound like I do. No, it just sounds like some random rambling on my part that I decided to write while i was bored one day. But anyway, marriage is a big decision and i want to choose right. I have a hard time with just jumping in and seeing if something this big in my life would "possibly" work. My parents jumped into it fast and I have a few friends who jumped into it fast and they are no longer married. I think my perception of marriage is a bit muddled and scarred. But i'm trying to get over it.
I love going to weddings and receptions and seeing the light the couple has in their eyes while looking at each other. I think it is the sweetest thing ever. I hope to have that one day, someday, in the future. (Not the near future though) :)

So that's my little ramble, haha. Haven't done that for awhile. It was quite scatterbrained too. I apologize.

Candid Moment

Tonight I went to Color Me Mine with my mother, her friend Wendy and her daughter Keisha. We painted for 3 hours straight. My eyes are tired and during the time my pinkie was seizing up from being in the same position for more than an hour. (It wouldn't move for about 5 minutes after I removed it from the grip) After we paid for our pieces we headed to Macey's grocery store in Orem and along the way I decided to take a picture of Wendy's daughter Keisha...then I thought it would be a good idea to take a picture, from the passenger side of the car, of my mom and Wendy. The picture flashed and both ladies flipped out. They had no idea what it was. Wendy thought she had hit a police car and my literally jumped two feet off her seat and this picture was the candid picture that only a moment like this could luckily capture.

I couldn't stop laughing for at least 10 minutes and now my stomach feels like it did 100 crunches....it burns.

Good things Tuesday

10 things I love:
(In no particular order)

1. Unexpected lunches out with a friend
2. Driving
3. The end of the semester
4. Caramel and Chocolate, not separate, but together acting as one
5. My own private dance floor in the confines of my bedroom
6. Glee music
7. Camera+Unsuspecting friends=Priceless pictures
8. Purposely texting horrible grammar...such as:
"Where you be?"
"Where you is?"
"How goes it wit you?"
"What time does that show start t'night?"
Etc. (You get the idea)
9. Electric blankets
10. Spring time weather/flip-flops/and Ice cream

I gotta say...

...I love those days (days like these) that come once in a blue moon. (Or bright shining day)
Where the sun is shining, there isn't a cloud in the sky, the birds are singing, the mountains are glowing. The grass seems greener and feels softer than normal. Where there is time to see the simple things (even if preparing for finals is in the mix) and where life just feels like it is going right for a few moments. With nothing to worry about.
These are times where all you want to do is be grateful for the things you have, the people you have in your life, and where you life is headed in the most difficult, fun, and most growing years of one's life.

It's good to be alive :)

I hate preparing for finals

and then TAKING the Finals.

Major decision (haha punny)

So I was looking through majors online, while not listening in my astronomy class today, and happened upon one that really stuck out to me.

First off, don't laugh.

(Second thing...why is it so funny?)

Ok,

I think that I have chosen a major ( i'm talking to the head counselor or monday about the program and such, details)

Behavioral Science with an Emphasis in Family Studies

All the classes I would be taking are the ones that I love going to.

Like:

Human Behavior

Human Sexuality

Family Relations

Gender Roles

Child Psychology

etc.

So laugh all ya want...yes I know it's a family based major. I know that it seems to be the cliche' thing to major in (if you go to BYU, but guess what?!? I don't go there. So yeah, not sure what point I was trying to make) So I feel good about it and I love learning about the way people think, why they do things, and being able to apply it to the family that I hope to have someday (not in the near future, maybe in the next 5 or so) So yeah...that was my little announcement for the month of April :)

How is it..

that there is not one, out of 78 majors, that will stick out and say "You should major in me".
For the past hour, I think, I have read through every...single...possible major and none of them remotely attract me. How is that? Maybe i'm not willing to try something, or something that I would like to try is too hard (or I screwed myself over the first year of college, therefore would not have a high enough GPA to apply for the program.)
Basically I feel trapped.
Trapped in this little world called UVU, and I can't break out of it. Or I feel that it's too late to break out of it. And the only place that I would like to go, I can't...because I can't get in.

Meh.

That's all I have to say.

Last thing:
I wish I could go back to Sophomore year of high school and pick something and stick with it, take honors and college courses. And not be lame.

Another year older...

hopefully another year wiser too. :)

It ain't even official till the clock strikes 10:22 pm!

But regardless,

Happy Birff-day to me :)

Reality Check

(If you're having a good day, don't read this: i'm just whining about things and would not want to bring you down in anyway)

Just as the title says I have had a few reality checks in the past few days. Plus tomorrow is my 21st birthday. The birthday "of all birthdays", besides 50 and 100. So it's kinda a momentous occasion.

I still feel little, yet my age says otherwise.

I have made one large decision (In my mind) for myself.

I am moving to Colorado, for the summer, to work and live with my dad.

I've always avoided going for my mother's sake and mine and my friends. And as i'm typing this I tend to be a little dramatic and start thinking how long summer actually is when you are away from people. And I realize how much certain people really mean to me, and how much friends and family members mean to me.

4 months, at most, 102 days.

It seems like a short amount of time until you put it into perspective around other things that happened 102 days ago. That is ages ago.

During those 4 months I can't call or text to say "let's do something" ...cause i'm 400 miles away.

Ugh.

So really this whole blog is about my whining about the decision I made, which I know isn't a bad one and will probably be good for me. There are things I want to write out and whine about...but I don't feel it appropriate or even necessary. People don't want to hear those things anyway.

Plus - it's just me being pitiful.

( there is a reason it's so small...and if you can read it congratulations you get to hear me whine more) I guess also somethings have been said by some people that have turned my whole world upside down and i'm trying to wrap the thought around my head...and it's taking awhile. Something that I thought or was brainwashed to think (it sounds like) is completely different now and i'm just trying to deal and whine along the way. Is it stupid or girlish or anything like that to say i'll miss someone more than I thought I ever would....(I should delete that...) Or be a little jealous with dates that will take place while i'm gone. But prophets have told us it right to date multiple people. ba ba ba. Meh. I'm being a selfish little girl. And details are unnecessary ...sometimes I just hope that things workout as you would hope, and sometimes those moments are worth waiting for but what if it never comes to be? You give your heart away, get attached and it either is given back or crushed to the ground. Left there for a lovely job of picking up the pieces and trying to stick them back together and then try again.

And sometimes I feel as if I say the stupidest things and then I regret saying them, because I get the feeling that I should have already known that. Like it was known knowledge to everyone BUT me. Sometimes I feel like my ACT score really shines out what my mentality is. Crappy. Not very bright. Horrible test taker. Introverted. Not hard working. Won't amount to much. Etc.
Is there a reset button on emotions and stupidity?
If so, where to press...and is there side effects?

I think that the "world" (orem/provo) is a dating mosh pit of doom. Why does life have to be such a waiting game in every aspect?

I'm not sure I'm terribly excited to turn a year older, this year.

I went to..

my first real rock concert last night!

Muse

My top 8 (plus a few) from the concert

1. The bar at the front of the stage is the place to be.

1a. No jacket required, it gets dang hot in the swarm.

2. Earplugs are not worth it

2a. Getting there two and a half hours before the door opened was worth it.

2b. Ray the bodyguard was awesome.

3. Body surfing gets you escorted out (I watched)

3a. I have been converted to only floor seats

4. Muse does not talk to the audience, they just jam

5. Going with no expectations, is the only way TO go.

(Your expectations are blown out of the water)

5a. They played all my favorites especially "Starlight" and "Supermassive Blackhole"

5b. The bassist is amazing!

6. If you need to hit the bathroom, do it BEFORE you have to run to the front of the stage.

7. Referring to #6, if needed, have someone with you to save your place.

7a. This guy I was with and I got the setlist :)

8. Jumping up and Screaming with 10,000 people, hanging with a cute guy, front row seats/floor, loud music, talented performers, and a birthday in two days.

So very priceless and so very fun.

Let's do it again!

I figured.

For the past semester I have been taking a college algebra class (that is driving me up the wall), that is not that bad...I have a friend in there and we try and study together sometimes so that we don't do horribly on the insanely hard tests that my professor graciously prepares for us. :)

And on Friday, my friend and I were studying in the computer lab and I was stuck on this one problem for at least 40 minutes (I have been doing matrices for the past two weeks, my brain is fried, and all I ask is for, at least, a 78 on my upcoming test...but that's an, AT LEAST, I wouldn't mind an 80 or 90...) and this problem was just stupid, because matrices are these horrible math problems, where you have to add and multiply multiple things together and if you miss one

addition, or add a negative where you shouldn't, that 20 minutes that you spent on that one problem, killing half a baby tree in the process, will be WRONG! I hate Matrices, I really really hate them. And so i'm going to hate this test, so very much. But what was my point? Right, I was in the computer lab doing this problem, and as I said I got it wrong...because I missed one negative...I was not a happy camper and I found out that day that I am a perfectionist...well when it comes to homework...because I was on that problem for a good two hours before I got it right! Because gosh darnit, I wanted that 100 percent and by golly I got it...on that one problem. Can't say as much for the other problems. *shrug*

But even if Matrices are the bane of my existence in every way

THIS makes me so happy and I can't help but smile!

Julie B. Beck is...

amazing, to say the least. She came to a tri-stake fireside last night and just astounded me in every way. This was no ordinary fireside. She had a microphone passed around to women who had questions and she would then answer them, whatever they be, right on the spot. Can I just say that this women is amazing with the scriptures, it just amazed me how she knew exactly where to turn when she had no previous knowledge of what the questions would be. Wow.

So during the two hours that she was there she answered various questions, some about family, some about life in general and other off the subject...subjects. (haha) Some including:

1) What is something that you wish you knew when you were our age?
(sister beck giggles) "Well it definitely was not THAT long ago, i'll tell you. But one thing that I would have most liked to have when I was younger was a stronger testimony of myself. To know who I was, what my values were. And I wish I knew with a stronger conviction that I was a daughter of our heavenly parents."
Scriptures:
D&C 138: 55-56 (Faithful daughters)
Moses 1:1-4 (Thou art my "son", if there be a son then there must be a daughter)
Genesis 24 (Rebekah and Issac)

2) What would you say to women who don't feel their role in life is to be a mother?
"Motherhood is an essential leadership position for women, society has you confused about the gender roles of our day"
Mother is a Title. In Abraham, we are told that the name of our first mother is Eve, which means "life". (how fitting)

3) How can we prepare for a successful marriage?
(sister beck) "well, for starters you have to learn how to treat the men in your life"
D&C 25:4 (murmur not)
5 (comfort her husband)(have consoling words)
10(seek for things of the better)
13(cleave unto temple convenants)

4) How did you know your husband was the one for you to marry?
(sister beck laughs, her husband is sitting behind her on the stand) "well i'm sure he'd like to here this one." (her husband starts whispering a few things to her) "Why don't you just come up and tell them what you're saying" (He stand up and walks up to the mic)
(jokingly) they start saying that:

Maybe it was their taste in music?
Brother Beck likes country western music/Sister Beck likes classical (bach, brahms)
No not quite.

Maybe it is their taste in movies?
Brother Beck likes WW2 and Westerns/Sister Beck like Pride and Prejudice
(Brother Beck says "It's even worse on tv")
So a little off.

Maybe it is their taste in Books?
Brother Beck likes the WW2, bloody, action books/Sister Beck like Pride and Prejudice (haha)
(everyone just laughed)
Brother Beck has never read Pride and Prejudice and never will.

But in the end they told the congregation that they both prayed about it after they dated for quite sometime and heavenly father told they that it was right and ok to do.

Sister Beck teasing says, "I sometime tell people I married him for his hair" (brother beck is bald)
But in all seriousness, "I knew that he had a testimony and was prepared to stand up for it, and that was important to me. I knew he served in the church and had church callings, and that was important to me. I knew that he had been on a mission and had tried his best and his hardest to the work that was put in front of him, and that was important to me. I knew that he wanted to be a husband and a father and provide for us, that he wanted to get an education and make something of himself, and that was important to me. We have come to learn to know of things that we both like and be willing to try. What was most important was that we BELIEVED IN THE SAME VALUES. Sometimes we get caught up in trying to find a soulmate. You will not agree on everything, but you should on the important things."

Sister Beck was an amazing speaker and really connected with the group of women who came out. There was quite a crowd and I got to shake her hand afterwards. She was such a sweet lady and had such a spirit about her. I felt it the whole time she was talking just the warm sensation you get when you are accepting and agreeing with everything the person in saying. And with two pages of notes it was definitely worth it. And the question that were asked (I only wrote about a couple) were all ones that at some point in my life have been on my mind or will be on my mind sometime in my life and it's a nice thing to have written down some pointers for when that time comes.
Man, this fireside has got me pumped for general conference!
BTW: I'm singing in the Saturday afternoon session so you should check it out!

Mirandasings

Ashleigh, I and my awesome voice teacher Connie the Constance awesome pants went up to salt lake this last weekend to see a youtube sensation named MIRANDASINGS08. She is this horrible singer...well actually she is a great singer, but just acts incredibly dumb. And she gets quite alot of haters too..but she takes it in stride and just makes people smile and all laughy for awesome sake.

So after the "concert" the trio (us) decided to take some crazy pictures (you gotta have crazy pictures when you have crazy hyped up girls/women together) So we did it.