Odd feeling

I'm in an odd stage of life. I feel disconnected from two groups of my life which I have grown so fond of but now purposely or un-purposely I have been booted from both.

One Group is that of the single life, the other marriage-dom. I'm in the middle, in limbo, swimming in the equivalent of the spirit world after someone dies.

I feel odd, I feel weird.

My fiance' is in "A Christmas Carol" at the Hale Center theater where he has had rehearsal every night for the past month...so the only times I see him are late at night when I'm barely coherent.

Myself is not doing too hot, I keep making these dang-nab-it same mistakes that leave me hating myself and forgetting all the Joy that I should be feeling at this time in my life. The sad thing is that these emotions of hatred towards myself, I bring upon myself. I practically fling it across the room which leaves me wondering, "What the heck just happened?" "Why am I feeling like THIS again?" "Again! Really Brianna, my gosh would you just grow and be ...grown up?"

I feel down on myself, and keep rolling down into muddy piles or egg stricken shirts that keep having to be thrown in the washer...my conscious keeps reminding me that even your best shirt can only be washed so many times before it starts fraying at the edges and falling apart...leaving holes in the shirt from mistakes and lost hours of self pity and grief.