Epiphany, yes.

So I haven't written in awhile about anything.  

I haven't been that busy, my schedule consists of sleeping and working.

I have been enjoying being married though, i'll be honest...

best thing I've ever done. 

Marriage is something that I never thought could happen to me, 

especially with the person I ended up marrying. 

He was the guy that was my friend even though I was a nerd beyond words,

dorky, unkempt, and just socially awkward.

He was the one that was waiting for me to say I liked him,

he gave me countless opportunities to say something so it could move forward.

I was scared. 

He left on a mission.

He came back. 

I was single and so was he. 

Almost 2 1/2 years later we were married. 

I am married for all time and eternity to Matt Call, the person I could only dream about.

I am a wife, sometime (in the not near future) going to be a mom, a parent,

with him. 

How can life get any sweeter? 

So catch up time, if you still read this blog you are saint, and if not by golly i'm still going to write things down. I have come to a realization, thanks to a dear friend Sarah, that it doesn't matter what other people think about your life, what you write, what you are doing, and who are being. If life isn't happiness to you, than change it. If the way you write isn't who you are, then change it. To directly quote her blog: 

"Worry less about how your life looks to others and more about how your life feels to you."

I  follow 86 blogs. 86 blogs written by people telling about their lives, their amazing lives surrounded by pregnancies, food, love, joy and new experiences. I take time everyday before bed or in the early morning hours before work to go through each individual one (I know crazy) and read about the excitement that is taking place. 

I am jealous at times of what they write. I am jealous for the people they are and the ability that they have to be so open and so honest with the way they write. I wish I could would be like that. I would love to come on here and write how I feel, uncensored and unafraid of what people would think. 

For one thing, whoever you are who is reading this, you may not know that I swear in my head often or even sometimes under my breath.

Me, Brianna (now) Call swears. 

Not often, but it happens occasionally...usually in stressful situations or when no other word can fill the passion that comes bursting out. 

It is a release, even though mostly inside my head or down on the pages of my journal that I can't explain. 

If I don't write the word down on paper that is in my head I feel as though i'm not being true to who I am, or what I am needing to say. 

Let's be honest, whatever I write here or in my journal someone may read but it's not going to make a lasting impression on them and if it did then that would be news to me.

My words are jumbled, much like my thoughts are when they are spoken out loud. 

My sentences are disgruntled and half the time I guess at what words mean so that I don't look stupid in a crowd of people. I act like I know what people are talking about but I just don't have a large vocabulary. 

I talk too fast occasionally and look like a boof trying to catch her mouth up with her brain but they won't connect so I end up slurring everything together into one jumbled mess of sentences that was supposed to be an eloquent story to sweep people off their feet. I kissed the Blarney stone for heaven sakes, where's my eloquence dang it?

Long story short, I want to write like I am. 

I want to be who I want to be.

I want to be who I need to be.  

Much like my friend Sarah wrote in her post, I need to be who I love to be, not what I'm expected to be. 

I need to do what makes "me" happy, not what makes the world happy. 

There are moments where we need to take a piece of time and use it strictly for ourselves. If we can't learn how to live with ourselves and accept our beauties and misgivings, how can we expect to do anything for the world? If we don't know ourselves, if we don't care about ourselves, then why should we give of our time to others when we have nothing to give them for we have not learned. 

This is a start of a new pattern of thoughts by Brianna, her mind is open to the thoughts racing and willing to say what they need to about anything that crosses her mind. 

It may not be eloquent, there may be run on sentences, incorrectly spelled words, and intense grammatical errors, but what is written here is sincere life, beauty within sadness, grief within joy. 

Life is to be lived, documented, enjoyed, and lived some more. 

I'm going to be doing more of that starting now. 

If you would like to read the blog post that started this new posting epiphany for me click here (she is an excellent writer, you should follow her)