I was coming home from a show and I felt like the last person on the planet that anyone would want to be with, so I called Matt and talked for an hour about how I was feeling, especially pertaining to the lacks and the dislikes I have for myself. He stated to me that he felt I was too hard on myself, that I focused more on the faults and negatives in my life than the successes. Which is true. I don't see the good that I do, I only see what I have not changed or what I keep casting aside.
After the hour long discussion and many many tears of self pity later, I was ok. I was thinking about the good things I have done even in this past week:
I passed my math test and the praxis exam
I decided to be happy for three days (told myself no buts)
(even now this list is hard...)
I finished correcting how the announcements are going to look, awesome
(I'll try to add onto it later)
I decided to be happy for three days (told myself no buts)
(even now this list is hard...)
I finished correcting how the announcements are going to look, awesome
(I'll try to add onto it later)
I have a problem. It is putting myself down too much, I don't give myself enough worth in the this world. I don't see the good, I see the imperfections, always. It's exhausting and the bags under my eyes are from a dam's worth of tears over the days and weeks. Not that I'm miserable, just never satisfied with how I am doing.
I want to feel worth everything, something, and important.
I went to Nauvoo to learn that, I've slowly forgotten that wonderful truth.
I want to feel worth everything, something, and important.
I went to Nauvoo to learn that, I've slowly forgotten that wonderful truth.
I am important.
There is no one like me.
The world would be different without me.
I make a difference in people's lives.
There is no one like me.
The world would be different without me.
I make a difference in people's lives.
If those things are true than why am I so hard on myself constantly?
I expect so much, but I procrastinate it all, then I get irritated and confused as why I'm not changing.
I expect so much, but I procrastinate it all, then I get irritated and confused as why I'm not changing.
I'm lazy,
but worth something.
but worth something.
This year, even one month in I want to make a pact with myself that I will try harder to see the good instead of the bad. To see my accomplishments and the brain power that I possess to do great things in my life and the lives of those I come in contact with.
I'm going totry write three good things I did each day on this blog. ABC's of Worth.
I'll start tonight or tomorrow
I'm going to
I'll start tonight or tomorrow
3 comments:
The ironic thing is that I felt the same way last night. I went to the Syd Rigs Showcase and, with all the same people I knew from high school back on stage. They were awesome, incredible, and wonderful. It was a stunning show, really. But I largely felt like I had time-traveled back five years, leaving me feeling like all my growth and accomplishments over the past five years had become null and void.
That and I was resorted to feeling jealous of the talent and beauty on stage, jealous of all those people who are now married or making it big in some city while I am back living with my parents, 24 and VL, and still am not working a full time job.
Moral of the story: It's good to know that you (an engaged, beautiful performer) also feel the same way. You've got a good point: I'm much cooler than I compare myself out to be. I also don't need to be impressive. I'm happy being me. I just need to remember that.
Thanks for your post!
I have felt this before.
Let me correct myself. I feel this way ALL OF THE TIME.
But, let me assure you, (for whatever it is worth), you are wonderful. Your spirit is so special and kind and loving. Keep your chin up.
I toooootally hear you on this post. I was always the BIGGEST critic of myself, which played a big part in my many years of clinical depression.
Through therapy, I finally had to learn to recognize PROGRESS as an accomplishment in itself. I used to think I hadn't done anything unless I'd fully completed it, but life isn't about that.
I think overall I have learned to accept myself as a work in progress (though I still have my down moments. When I start to throw myself a pity party now though, I've learned to roll my eyes and give myself an "Oh, come ooooooon, Connie" and move on instead of wallow)
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