Selfiness never was Happiness

An odd day for such a topic as this, but this topic has been on my mind lately and I feel that I have some apologizing to do especially to those who are incredibly important to me.

I have been extremely selfish for the past month or so and I have realized that I want to change it but the only time I think about it is after I have partaken of the selfish card. How do you change from being selfish and always thinking about yourself, to being self- LESS and thinking only of others and how you can help them?

It seems like a silly question but in retrospect I feel as though it has been and continues to be one of my worst enemies. I am narcissistic, attention seeking and self absorbed. Now don't scoff at this comment, I'm sure that you've seen times where I've only thought about what I could get out of the situation or how I wasn't really doing it for you, but to look good in the face of others. To have a good reputation but not really be a good person in my heart. I feel I'm much like the pharisees in the New Testament that prayed in the squares out in the open so people would know they were praising God, they knew that they were "Godly men" and "closer to God" because of their public communion with him. I do a lot of things for recognition, not because I want to.

That's a horrible personality trait, to only want to do this for the recognition of peers, family members, and the social media. Bug.

I want to be like Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, or the Prophet Thomas S Monson, or my mom, or Sarah Flinders, or Ashleigh Simmons, or Julia Rae Sanchez, or vast amounts of others that you can tell, do things because they want to make other people happy, not because they like to make tick boards on how many "good deeds" they done for the week. No, it's because they see someone in need and they go do something about while I say to myself, "Well isn't that a terribly inconvenient time for someone to need a helping hand..I need to write on my blog, look at facebook, do my homework, take a nap, do my hair, go buy some new clothes so I fit in the status quo, watch the new movie, read that book so I look and sound smart....I don't have time to do service, and service isn't for me."

Now I've never actually said that sentence but thoughts that accompany when I should be doing something for someone else are around those lines. I compare and compete far too much in life and its people and it has made me a self absorbed ingrate. I just want more instead of seeing what is so important in my life and what is important to others and what they need.

SO...

To those who I have every offended because I was too busy to be there for you:
I'm sorry.
To those that just needed a hug but I'm too stupid to not lend an arm:
I'm sorry.
To those that I snap at out of unnecessary irritation:
I'm sorry.
To those that I didn't take the time to come to your birthday party, your wedding reception, your farewell, your homecoming, because I was busy or didn't "feel like it":
I'm sorry.
To those who I would much rather not delve into your life to help you and try to forget and not get involved and could have helped you:
I'm sorry.
To those that I thought demeaning thoughts about and not apologized to you:
I'm sorry.
To those that have always been my friends even through my idiosyncrasies of wanting something that I'm not:
I'm sorry.
To those that I've changed, dragged down and haven't been strong enough to help build back up:
I'm sorry.

To those of you who have read all of this post:
I'm sorry for such a down subject on a day of love.

I wish I could change my selfish nature, but it's hard to do so when you're so used to wanting what your not and being something you weren't made for. Be patient with me, because the change that I would like to take place will be a life long process.