Death

I will start out by saying that I am a Latter-day Saint, I believe in the plan of happiness which enables us to live forever as perfected beings with our families and friends for eternity. I know all of that is true, but still one of my greatest fears is death, it is the unknown and it always accompanies so much sadness and sorrow.

Death is a ripping apart of you from your loved ones, for a small amount time in the eternal perspective, but it is still a ripping apart. There is something about not being able to talk to them, or touch, or hear them speak. You know they are around you, watching you and pushing you on, but there is a substance that is no longer apparent and will not be until the death takes you or the resurrection happens.

Until then, it's a waiting game for those of us left behind.

To live each day without that person, to feel the pain of not knowing when the next time will be to speak to them.

I am LDS once again, and I know that we are supposed to feel of death, it is part of the plan that God set out for man to take part of. I understand that, but it still hurts. It still tries your very fiber of sanity on days when you are bogged down on life. Don't get me wrong, my life is fantastic right now, but I miss my grandma and there are movies I watch particularly that have a love story in them. The ones that get me are the stories where love is gained and then ripped away by the suddenness of death or tragedy. I can to these people, having to say goodbye after their loved one passes before they get there to say goodbye.

The man I am marrying asked me a question one day,
"Do you want to die first, or do you want me to die first?"
I simply said,
"Neither, I don't want to die first and leave you alone, and I don't want to be left alone. How about we die within minutes of each other"
He laughs
"But what if that doesn't happen"
I had no response.

I do not want to die, I know it is life, but why don't I have a choice. If I get stabbed or shot, why can't my body say, "No, I will not die tonight". The mind is a powerful thing. Many cancer patients can be completely healed of cancer just by using the amazing power of the brain. Why can't we tell death to stop?

Tell it that we're not ready.

It seems ridiculous, but so ridiculous that why couldn't it work...cause it's not supposed to. That doesn't take away the fear I have for when it does happen, and the unknown time and uncertainty of how long you have is daunting. I don't mean to sound morbid, if anything I'm rambling about the thoughts I have had about death for many years and have never taken the time to write them down.

The purpose of this post is to come to terms with the fact that I am terrified of death, I am terrified that one day my dear soon-to-be husband will not be here, or my father will not be here, nor my mother, nor my brother....I am terrified to die and feel that last breath slip through your lungs. I am terrified that I will contract a debilitating disease where my family will be affected more than I am. I am terrified that it will hurt, I am terrified of the unknown. I know heaven awaits but I don't fully comprehend what that is, where it is, or what it feels like. My friend does, he says it's a release. He says it hurts more coming back. He's expereinced it, He wants to go back. I don't. I haven't been there more than once and the one time I was, was before I was even alive.

A spirit, without a body.

The body is what brings the hurt, and fear.

Death is scary, I don't know why it frightens me to the point of tears, but it does.
I don't like pain, especially the emotionally kind.
I hope by the time I'm supposed to die, the Savior comes so I can be twinkled in the blink of an eye...because death, is not something I feel I need to expereince to learn what I need to. God has other plans I know, I'll go along and once I get there I'll say "I know you would like to say 'I told you so' but I'll say it first, 'You told me so, wasn't so bad, was it?'"