Why things don't work out sometimes

I was walking towards my institute class today and I ran into one of the boys I dated, it was actually my first boyfriend. We said hello to each other and asked about each other's lives and then went on our way, I had to take a step back and reassess that part of me that will always be with him. I dated him, loved him, and we were apart of each other's lives for a time that will always been in my heart.

It is interesting to then contemplate about how some relationships just don't work. That even though you are attracted to this person, that there may be a time where something about your relationship doesn't click and that's when you say goodbye. But even when you have said goodbye there are still little pieces or places in your heart for that person, the pieces where you want to know that their life is going well, that they are happy, that they are still striving to be better with a different people and different events. You still care about them and want the best for them. I know, i know there are situations that all you want to do is completely forget about that person you shard so many weeks or months with but I think those relationships will be apart of your life forever, they are part of the reason you are who you are today. And they are part of the reason for you finding who you are with now, and finding what you like and what you don't like in a life-long companion.

A good friend of mine once wrote a post that I printed off and put into my journal because I thought it was so profound. It was talking about soul mates, but not in the way that you would expect. She was stating that soul mates are the people that come into your life for a specific reason and than at whatever time may leave because you have learned what was needed to learn and you really have no use for them anymore at that time in your life. These are the past boyfriends, the friends that have gone astray, the loved ones that we don't care to speak to. These soul mates that seem to pop up when we need a little prick of remembering where we have come from and how far we have come. They also remind us of how much we need to continue to grow and continue to find these soul mates in our lives.

I find it absolutely amazing that a man like Matthew Call wants to marry me. I have done things, seen things, and been apart of things that I would rather bury than have to recount sometimes when a fleeting thought reminds me of darker days in my personality. But then I take a more positive outlook on my past and remind myself that those things, mistakes, issues, problems, and self unawareness is what makes me who I am and the woman he wants to marry. Those things may be apart of my past, they make me who I am, but not by any means do they define me.

So I will leave you with this poem about keeping your chin up and finding those soul mates that make the difference in your life.

"I wish I were a glow worm

A glow worm's never glum

How can you be gloomy

When the sun shines out your bum"

I love you, yes you, the one who read this:

Selfiness never was Happiness

An odd day for such a topic as this, but this topic has been on my mind lately and I feel that I have some apologizing to do especially to those who are incredibly important to me.

I have been extremely selfish for the past month or so and I have realized that I want to change it but the only time I think about it is after I have partaken of the selfish card. How do you change from being selfish and always thinking about yourself, to being self- LESS and thinking only of others and how you can help them?

It seems like a silly question but in retrospect I feel as though it has been and continues to be one of my worst enemies. I am narcissistic, attention seeking and self absorbed. Now don't scoff at this comment, I'm sure that you've seen times where I've only thought about what I could get out of the situation or how I wasn't really doing it for you, but to look good in the face of others. To have a good reputation but not really be a good person in my heart. I feel I'm much like the pharisees in the New Testament that prayed in the squares out in the open so people would know they were praising God, they knew that they were "Godly men" and "closer to God" because of their public communion with him. I do a lot of things for recognition, not because I want to.

That's a horrible personality trait, to only want to do this for the recognition of peers, family members, and the social media. Bug.

I want to be like Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, or the Prophet Thomas S Monson, or my mom, or Sarah Flinders, or Ashleigh Simmons, or Julia Rae Sanchez, or vast amounts of others that you can tell, do things because they want to make other people happy, not because they like to make tick boards on how many "good deeds" they done for the week. No, it's because they see someone in need and they go do something about while I say to myself, "Well isn't that a terribly inconvenient time for someone to need a helping hand..I need to write on my blog, look at facebook, do my homework, take a nap, do my hair, go buy some new clothes so I fit in the status quo, watch the new movie, read that book so I look and sound smart....I don't have time to do service, and service isn't for me."

Now I've never actually said that sentence but thoughts that accompany when I should be doing something for someone else are around those lines. I compare and compete far too much in life and its people and it has made me a self absorbed ingrate. I just want more instead of seeing what is so important in my life and what is important to others and what they need.

SO...

To those who I have every offended because I was too busy to be there for you:
I'm sorry.
To those that just needed a hug but I'm too stupid to not lend an arm:
I'm sorry.
To those that I snap at out of unnecessary irritation:
I'm sorry.
To those that I didn't take the time to come to your birthday party, your wedding reception, your farewell, your homecoming, because I was busy or didn't "feel like it":
I'm sorry.
To those who I would much rather not delve into your life to help you and try to forget and not get involved and could have helped you:
I'm sorry.
To those that I thought demeaning thoughts about and not apologized to you:
I'm sorry.
To those that have always been my friends even through my idiosyncrasies of wanting something that I'm not:
I'm sorry.
To those that I've changed, dragged down and haven't been strong enough to help build back up:
I'm sorry.

To those of you who have read all of this post:
I'm sorry for such a down subject on a day of love.

I wish I could change my selfish nature, but it's hard to do so when you're so used to wanting what your not and being something you weren't made for. Be patient with me, because the change that I would like to take place will be a life long process.

Love Survey, before Valentine's Day

Stealing this survey from another blogger :) Since Valentines Day is getting closer.

1. How long have you and your significant other been together?
Well we have been really great friends since 2006 senior year of high school, but we "officially" started dating in January 2010.

2. How did you meet? {What's your "love" story?}
Well like I said above we met in High School and hit it off like nobody's business, the only thing keeping us from dating was that he was in a relationship. We stayed friends he went on a mission, I wrote him often but only once giving away that I actually had liked him and still did like him. Two years later he comes home, ends of breaking up with his long term girlfriend and on a cold winter night in December, laying in the leaves, asks me if I would want to see if we could go anywhere. I said yes after some exasperated yelps of confusion but I said yes and we have been dating ever since.

3. If married, how long have you been married? If not, is this the guy you hope to marry? {do tell}
Not married yet, feel like we should have been married a year ago but we are getting married in April on the 28th!

4. If you are married, where did you get married at? Big or small wedding? If not, where would you like to get married? And will it be big or small?
We are going to get married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple on April 28th and it is going to be a party with food, laughter, music, fun, and just love everywhere.

5. Do you have any nick-names that you call one another? Do share!
Matt has more nicknames than I have for him, I have never been much of a nickname person for anyone in my life. I do occasionally call him sweetheart, babe, love, and handsome. He calls me: Bri, love, sunshine, snow monkey...and comes up with another at least once every two weeks. I love it.

6. Name 3 things you love most about your honey.
-He is always patient with me, has been throughout our dating and continues to be as the days and weeks go by.
-He is silly and has no inhibitions around me
-He loves to eat, like me. Loves to chill, like me. Loves to try new things, like me.
-He is a romantic.

7. Tell us how he proposed? Or your ideal proposal?
I invited him to an institute date dance on friday and when we got there we were dancing it up, eating, taking to people and Matt starts talking about how he has gotten his music on I-tunes and how he can see when people download it. He was talking during this one song and then suddenly a song that he wrote about and for me a few months later starts blasting on the speakers, I flip out. I start dancing around and saying things like, "oh my goodness, it's your song!" "Matt it's your song" ...I was oblivious. Halfway through he says that he needs to go get a drink...I was sad but let him go. Then I hear his voice over the PA system saying that he needs a moment from everyone and would like to invite Brianna Pettit up to the stage. It hit me then and there what was happening and I slowly walked up the front.

8. Is he a flowers and teddy bear kind of guy for v-day, or strawberries, champagne, and rose petals? I have given him cards and sentimental types of things...and candy, lots of candy...so the edible side of V-day.

9. Are you a sunset dinner on the beach kind of girl, or pop a movie in and relax on the couch?
Depends on the day, I love the spontaneity of the sunset dinner but relaxing with his arm around me during a movie is divine.

10. Tell us one thing you'd like to do with your significant one day. If you could do anything? Go anywhere?
Be married to him, and then go to Italy, or France, or England with him

11. Tell us what you plan on doing on this Valentine's Day.
We are going to have Valentine's Day on Saturday seeing as we both work on Tuesday. We are going out to eat at La Jolla Groves down in Riverwoods and probably watch a movie. The night before going to a date institute dance, now as an engaged couple :)

12. Are you asking for anything this Valentine's day?
Just Him

13. Give us one piece of advice of keeping a relationship strong and full of love.
Be open with one another always, never judge or look down upon your significant other, but keep helping them become better as they are helping you to be. Always say goodnight whether it over text, phone call, or in person. Holds hands, hug, and laugh as often as possible.

14. Show us a picture of what love means to you.

Able to be funny, silly, romantic, and fun. That means a lot and will let me know i'll be happy with Him forever.

Worth

I've been following a few blogs, talking to a few people, and searching inside myself for something that would help these "put down Brianna" moments which I have frequently...take last night.

I was coming home from a show and I felt like the last person on the planet that anyone would want to be with, so I called Matt and talked for an hour about how I was feeling, especially pertaining to the lacks and the dislikes I have for myself. He stated to me that he felt I was too hard on myself, that I focused more on the faults and negatives in my life than the successes. Which is true. I don't see the good that I do, I only see what I have not changed or what I keep casting aside.

After the hour long discussion and many many tears of self pity later, I was ok. I was thinking about the good things I have done even in this past week:

I passed my math test and the praxis exam
I decided to be happy for three days (told myself no buts)
(even now this list is hard...)
I finished correcting how the announcements are going to look, awesome
(I'll try to add onto it later)

I have a problem. It is putting myself down too much, I don't give myself enough worth in the this world. I don't see the good, I see the imperfections, always. It's exhausting and the bags under my eyes are from a dam's worth of tears over the days and weeks. Not that I'm miserable, just never satisfied with how I am doing.

I want to feel worth everything, something, and important.
I went to Nauvoo to learn that, I've slowly forgotten that wonderful truth.

I am important.
There is no one like me.
The world would be different without me.
I make a difference in people's lives.

If those things are true than why am I so hard on myself constantly?
I expect so much, but I procrastinate it all, then I get irritated and confused as why I'm not changing.

I'm lazy,
but worth something.

This year, even one month in I want to make a pact with myself that I will try harder to see the good instead of the bad. To see my accomplishments and the brain power that I possess to do great things in my life and the lives of those I come in contact with.

I'm going to try write three good things I did each day on this blog. ABC's of Worth.
I'll start tonight or tomorrow

Death

I will start out by saying that I am a Latter-day Saint, I believe in the plan of happiness which enables us to live forever as perfected beings with our families and friends for eternity. I know all of that is true, but still one of my greatest fears is death, it is the unknown and it always accompanies so much sadness and sorrow.

Death is a ripping apart of you from your loved ones, for a small amount time in the eternal perspective, but it is still a ripping apart. There is something about not being able to talk to them, or touch, or hear them speak. You know they are around you, watching you and pushing you on, but there is a substance that is no longer apparent and will not be until the death takes you or the resurrection happens.

Until then, it's a waiting game for those of us left behind.

To live each day without that person, to feel the pain of not knowing when the next time will be to speak to them.

I am LDS once again, and I know that we are supposed to feel of death, it is part of the plan that God set out for man to take part of. I understand that, but it still hurts. It still tries your very fiber of sanity on days when you are bogged down on life. Don't get me wrong, my life is fantastic right now, but I miss my grandma and there are movies I watch particularly that have a love story in them. The ones that get me are the stories where love is gained and then ripped away by the suddenness of death or tragedy. I can to these people, having to say goodbye after their loved one passes before they get there to say goodbye.

The man I am marrying asked me a question one day,
"Do you want to die first, or do you want me to die first?"
I simply said,
"Neither, I don't want to die first and leave you alone, and I don't want to be left alone. How about we die within minutes of each other"
He laughs
"But what if that doesn't happen"
I had no response.

I do not want to die, I know it is life, but why don't I have a choice. If I get stabbed or shot, why can't my body say, "No, I will not die tonight". The mind is a powerful thing. Many cancer patients can be completely healed of cancer just by using the amazing power of the brain. Why can't we tell death to stop?

Tell it that we're not ready.

It seems ridiculous, but so ridiculous that why couldn't it work...cause it's not supposed to. That doesn't take away the fear I have for when it does happen, and the unknown time and uncertainty of how long you have is daunting. I don't mean to sound morbid, if anything I'm rambling about the thoughts I have had about death for many years and have never taken the time to write them down.

The purpose of this post is to come to terms with the fact that I am terrified of death, I am terrified that one day my dear soon-to-be husband will not be here, or my father will not be here, nor my mother, nor my brother....I am terrified to die and feel that last breath slip through your lungs. I am terrified that I will contract a debilitating disease where my family will be affected more than I am. I am terrified that it will hurt, I am terrified of the unknown. I know heaven awaits but I don't fully comprehend what that is, where it is, or what it feels like. My friend does, he says it's a release. He says it hurts more coming back. He's expereinced it, He wants to go back. I don't. I haven't been there more than once and the one time I was, was before I was even alive.

A spirit, without a body.

The body is what brings the hurt, and fear.

Death is scary, I don't know why it frightens me to the point of tears, but it does.
I don't like pain, especially the emotionally kind.
I hope by the time I'm supposed to die, the Savior comes so I can be twinkled in the blink of an eye...because death, is not something I feel I need to expereince to learn what I need to. God has other plans I know, I'll go along and once I get there I'll say "I know you would like to say 'I told you so' but I'll say it first, 'You told me so, wasn't so bad, was it?'"

What is beauty about, intrigue, emotion?

Here is a 12 min video that I would encourage to listen and watch. It will make you laugh and give you some things to think about especially pertaining to the life you are living and the world around you.
(Sorry about the huge gap)