22 years

Have I changed in that amount of time? Have I become a better person? Am I striving for greatness. As a result of last night's events, No. I feel old, now don't get on my heels and say, "You're not old, you have so much more to live, grow, explore, and learn."...Ok, Yes I understand this. But if any of you have been through the transition of 21 to 22 there is a colossal difference between turning 21 to 22 then there is from 20 to 21. I don't know what it is but it feels as if I've just passed a bump of my life I never thought I would reach. (Next one should be 30....shudder)

"I don't wanna grow up I'm a toysRus..." old person. That's not how the song goes. I've reached my limit for being able to sing that song and for it to apply to me, at least physically. I can sing that song about my emotional or mental state but frankly it isn't the same.

Last night I was talking to Matt and telling him about my worries of getting older. About moving from daughter to mother one day. (Not in the near future mind you, gotta get a husband first) But it gave me a slight panic attack. I'm not going to be the one that can tell my parents my troubles and expect them to have an answer...I'm going to have to be that person someday. The one with the answers. The one taking care of God's children...if I even deserve them. Frankly, I feel like dirt. I feel impatient and disobedient. If you don't think about it, it will go away. Right? ....Right? Anybody?

I feel even though a full year has passed since I turned 21 that I haven't changed. I have some of the same issues in my life, i'm still a student, i'm still dishonest and disrespectful to people. I'm rude, arrogant, a silly girl. And I feel on a daily basis that I am unworthy to go on this Nauvoo mission or performance or whatever you want to call it. Whether you say it is any of those things or not it is a mission for the Lord...my God. And I feel like I've let him down already. I feel as though these last three months when I should have been preparing more fully have been spent in idling pursuits. Silly isn't it? I guess the root of this whole rant, rave, feel sorry for myself...is Nauvoo. I want to be prepared for it...why in the heck does He want me to go. I feel so inadequate compared to others going. They are MUCH more talented. MUCH more pretty. They have that glow of Christ that I'm sure I lost a long time ago. They are MUCH more spiritually prepared, and worthy. MUCH more musically inclined and MUCH more personable.

We had a little dinner and get together....I hardly talked to anyone because I felt as though I had to fight for attention...I didn't need to do that. I just listened and talked and thought about how fun the summer would be where I couldn't get a word in edge wise and probably not make friends with anyone because i'm one of the only one's who hasn't had a lead part in a show...I've only and will ever only be in the ensemble. Which is fine by me. It's less than a month before we leave and I feel anything but prepared to go...

Here's to another year and making plans, creating goals, losing them along the way and getting even older.