Oh high scool angst

I was going through my myspace blog today..random I know and was reading all the "horrible" things that were happening in my life at the time. Oh my goodness to the heavens and back I was an angsty teenager. I was so jealous of everyone in my life, jealous of how people could sing better than me, how people could dress better, look better and such. I'm not going to lie, i had a hard time finding myself in high school. I was not the most attractive girl around and for awhile there I didn't know what personal hygiene was. I cringe for my poor friends having to be around me back then. I'm sorry for that, the stink that I must of had. I look back now and I have no idea why i felt that way back then, that certain things I was fretting about weren't a huge deal. They were small, little things, that are far into the past and i'm happy that alot of things that I wished would have happened, didn't. It's amazing looking back and seeing a change in yourself that you didn't know had happened. I was ranting on about a guy problem(s) about a guy liking me that I didn't like anymore and he wouldn't leave me alone, and then whining in the next blog about one guy not liking me but me liking him (wow i didn't see the reoccurring theme...) Oh well, but really high school was easy peasey compared to things in life coming in soon years or years far into the future. I guess we all go through these levels of maturity and immaturity and just have to find ourselves slowly through all the angst and so called drama of our lives. (But i'm not gonna lie drama in high school was definitely drama oriented, but gave me some of my best friends and best moments of my high school time.) Anyway, i'm still chuckling a little bit under my breath at the drama queen I was in my blogs and the depressed little girl that lives in them. Oh well, we learn and we grow. We look back and see how and where we have learned to be different. It gives you an odd sense that life is worth living and that you really do learn things down here, just not in the time frame that you had planned for yourself. A lot of this life, I am starting to realize is in the Lord's hands. Oh wait, all of it is. What a relief :)

Moments of Surprise

Do you ever have moments, or days or weeks that come to you as a complete surprise?

Where for the longest time you had your mind set that a certain was going to happen a certain way, and then life throws you a curve ball- A large one, with frayed edges a few leaves stuck to the side and a drop of snow clinging on to dear life that is tricky, and irritably fast? Well surprisingly life has thrown me a heck of a curve ball and i'm still trying to find my bearings along with it. How can you tell yourself that something you thought would never happen, just happened. It's like telling a kid that you weren't going to let him ever eat chocolate again, and he gets used to that idea and then 10 years later you give him a truck load of chocolate and ask him to eat it. (Maybe that wasn't the best analogy) But it's kinda the same, just having your mind set on a certain thing and basically assuring yourself that something would NEVER happen, and then it happens....your psyche kinda goes a little out of whack, and then you can't seem to know if it will last, because everyday it seems like a dream, the dreams that you dream about things like that happening, but you ONLY see them in dreams. So when they become reality you're not sure what to do. Hmmm.

Moments of Surprise sure do throw the life in a loop. And if I'm referring to rollercoastered (is that a word) loop then, "heck" this is going to be a crazy ride. Hope there are safety restraints.

Food Coma

I have found out or realized that I love food, and food loves me.( I believe by watching the movie, "Julie and Julia" last night has sparked this though) To an extent at least.
We have this mutual pact that food will not make me too overweight by providing me with yumminess and savory morsels that make the mouth water just by talking about them. The slow cooked beef in a red wine sauce (The alcohol cooks out of course) with red potatoes and carrots just simmering in the kitchen with a tomato sauce slowly incorporating together on the burner next to the pot of joy. The smells together bring new meaning to the word hungry and EAT! (Are you salivating yet?) JK, i am... because I'm sitting at work, eating nothing but staring at a very uninviting tin or cup of lemon pie yogurt...yum...(*bleck*) So I can fantasize about many other yummy things that I could possibly prepare after work and before my math final. hmm I love food, it is so good and I think some days i wouldn't mind going into a food coma (especially when I have a very unsettling final to take care of at 1 pm today).. at least i would be full :)

Dear World---

Dear karma,
You exist and I don't have love for you at all. (i hope that doesn't kick me in the butt later)

Dear Snow,
You make me feel like my life is a dream and i wish i had more time to see you fall slowly and enjoy the beauty that you bring

Dear frozen fingers,
I apologize for still letting you down by not buying new gloves yet

Dear dead saturn,
I will miss you dearly and I wish you didn't have to go in such an unfair fashion. I miss your heat, I miss your hard work on icy roads and your always ahead of the bunch attitude even when your fan belt would snap for no reason. But you always got me to where i needed to be on time, i'm so sorry for not giving you the love that you deserved and the icy death that you had to deal with. I hope that in car heaven that you will be able to have fun racing the other cars and beating them bad! I love you, and this is my humble goodbye. Goodbye Tawni

Dear Christmas,
I wish you would bring me a new car

Dear Bus system,
You are now my new friend I would like to introduce myself, "hello, my name is Brianna"

Dear Curves,
Thanks for continuing to provide with money

Dear headbands,
You give me the opportunity of being on time to school when i only have 5 minutes to get ready

Dear long meaning conversations with a friend,
You're awesome, and make me think, and give me hope for the future

Just keep chugging

This last week was surprising in so many ways. I found out things that I didn't know were true, and things have happened that I never thought would and it has kinda put me into a loop of where I don't know exactly what is going to happen with life. When two weeks ago I was pretty sure about a few things. Geez, there always has to be a curve ball when things start getting to lazy or i start becoming unmotivated.

Anyway, I woke up this morning for work (well actually I woke up to my mother calling me, asking if I was up yet, because she was giving me a ride, because my car had broke down on saturday and I was completely stranded until later today) --I was dreaming and having quite the dream. With Laurie, Erin, and i discussing twilight as if it was the best thing in the world. The only thing wrong with this scenario was that 1. I don't like twilight --scratch that. 1. I don't like Kristen Stewart or Robert Pattison. I personally think that they are horrible actors and give the characters that I used to love a horrible demeanor. But, i was woken up from my dream by mom, i got ready for work in a matter of 2 minutes and you can definitely tell i didn't have time to do my hair, or put on makeup this morning. But that's one good thing about where I work, not one lady will look at me differently because I dont' look nice coming to work. Most of the women that come to work out at curves have just rolled out of bed, sometimes almost falling asleep on the machines (it's quite funny, every once and awhile) .
When i stepped outside of my apartment i saw the one thing that I was secretly hoping but telling everyone that I hated, snow. Man, that stuff is gorgeous. I am one of those people that loves the snow, but goes along with everyone else saying that it is a menace to society and should be kept inside a miniature snow globe. But really, i love the stuff. i love bundling up, and just walking around and hearing -nothing- its so quiet in the early morning hours after it has snowed. It is almost like a insulated safe room all around me. I love the majesty that it brings and the beauty that it portrays. I love being able to sit on my balcony, with a cup of hot chocolate and just watch it snow ( I could fall asleep to that)
Its quiet but it feels as though i can hear beautiful music as it is falling. The music is a sweet melody that is mostly that of a single violin accompained by the sweet sounding flute, just trickling through intricate notes easily and lightly. I love imagining things like that. I love the spirit of Christmas, the meaning of Christmas and the whole month leading up to it. Snow has just put the cherry on the top of a year that has been hard, easy, and so contradicting its ridiculous. Snow like a new year brings a new beginning, washing and covering mistakes or imperfections. Snow is a great symbol of what we need to think about this season. Happy snow day!