I figured.

For the past semester I have been taking a college algebra class (that is driving me up the wall), that is not that bad...I have a friend in there and we try and study together sometimes so that we don't do horribly on the insanely hard tests that my professor graciously prepares for us. :)

And on Friday, my friend and I were studying in the computer lab and I was stuck on this one problem for at least 40 minutes (I have been doing matrices for the past two weeks, my brain is fried, and all I ask is for, at least, a 78 on my upcoming test...but that's an, AT LEAST, I wouldn't mind an 80 or 90...) and this problem was just stupid, because matrices are these horrible math problems, where you have to add and multiply multiple things together and if you miss one

addition, or add a negative where you shouldn't, that 20 minutes that you spent on that one problem, killing half a baby tree in the process, will be WRONG! I hate Matrices, I really really hate them. And so i'm going to hate this test, so very much. But what was my point? Right, I was in the computer lab doing this problem, and as I said I got it wrong...because I missed one negative...I was not a happy camper and I found out that day that I am a perfectionist...well when it comes to homework...because I was on that problem for a good two hours before I got it right! Because gosh darnit, I wanted that 100 percent and by golly I got it...on that one problem. Can't say as much for the other problems. *shrug*

But even if Matrices are the bane of my existence in every way

THIS makes me so happy and I can't help but smile!

Julie B. Beck is...

amazing, to say the least. She came to a tri-stake fireside last night and just astounded me in every way. This was no ordinary fireside. She had a microphone passed around to women who had questions and she would then answer them, whatever they be, right on the spot. Can I just say that this women is amazing with the scriptures, it just amazed me how she knew exactly where to turn when she had no previous knowledge of what the questions would be. Wow.

So during the two hours that she was there she answered various questions, some about family, some about life in general and other off the subject...subjects. (haha) Some including:

1) What is something that you wish you knew when you were our age?
(sister beck giggles) "Well it definitely was not THAT long ago, i'll tell you. But one thing that I would have most liked to have when I was younger was a stronger testimony of myself. To know who I was, what my values were. And I wish I knew with a stronger conviction that I was a daughter of our heavenly parents."
Scriptures:
D&C 138: 55-56 (Faithful daughters)
Moses 1:1-4 (Thou art my "son", if there be a son then there must be a daughter)
Genesis 24 (Rebekah and Issac)

2) What would you say to women who don't feel their role in life is to be a mother?
"Motherhood is an essential leadership position for women, society has you confused about the gender roles of our day"
Mother is a Title. In Abraham, we are told that the name of our first mother is Eve, which means "life". (how fitting)

3) How can we prepare for a successful marriage?
(sister beck) "well, for starters you have to learn how to treat the men in your life"
D&C 25:4 (murmur not)
5 (comfort her husband)(have consoling words)
10(seek for things of the better)
13(cleave unto temple convenants)

4) How did you know your husband was the one for you to marry?
(sister beck laughs, her husband is sitting behind her on the stand) "well i'm sure he'd like to here this one." (her husband starts whispering a few things to her) "Why don't you just come up and tell them what you're saying" (He stand up and walks up to the mic)
(jokingly) they start saying that:

Maybe it was their taste in music?
Brother Beck likes country western music/Sister Beck likes classical (bach, brahms)
No not quite.

Maybe it is their taste in movies?
Brother Beck likes WW2 and Westerns/Sister Beck like Pride and Prejudice
(Brother Beck says "It's even worse on tv")
So a little off.

Maybe it is their taste in Books?
Brother Beck likes the WW2, bloody, action books/Sister Beck like Pride and Prejudice (haha)
(everyone just laughed)
Brother Beck has never read Pride and Prejudice and never will.

But in the end they told the congregation that they both prayed about it after they dated for quite sometime and heavenly father told they that it was right and ok to do.

Sister Beck teasing says, "I sometime tell people I married him for his hair" (brother beck is bald)
But in all seriousness, "I knew that he had a testimony and was prepared to stand up for it, and that was important to me. I knew he served in the church and had church callings, and that was important to me. I knew that he had been on a mission and had tried his best and his hardest to the work that was put in front of him, and that was important to me. I knew that he wanted to be a husband and a father and provide for us, that he wanted to get an education and make something of himself, and that was important to me. We have come to learn to know of things that we both like and be willing to try. What was most important was that we BELIEVED IN THE SAME VALUES. Sometimes we get caught up in trying to find a soulmate. You will not agree on everything, but you should on the important things."

Sister Beck was an amazing speaker and really connected with the group of women who came out. There was quite a crowd and I got to shake her hand afterwards. She was such a sweet lady and had such a spirit about her. I felt it the whole time she was talking just the warm sensation you get when you are accepting and agreeing with everything the person in saying. And with two pages of notes it was definitely worth it. And the question that were asked (I only wrote about a couple) were all ones that at some point in my life have been on my mind or will be on my mind sometime in my life and it's a nice thing to have written down some pointers for when that time comes.
Man, this fireside has got me pumped for general conference!
BTW: I'm singing in the Saturday afternoon session so you should check it out!

Mirandasings

Ashleigh, I and my awesome voice teacher Connie the Constance awesome pants went up to salt lake this last weekend to see a youtube sensation named MIRANDASINGS08. She is this horrible singer...well actually she is a great singer, but just acts incredibly dumb. And she gets quite alot of haters too..but she takes it in stride and just makes people smile and all laughy for awesome sake.

So after the "concert" the trio (us) decided to take some crazy pictures (you gotta have crazy pictures when you have crazy hyped up girls/women together) So we did it.

Questions to make you think deeper.

1. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
   
2. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
   
3. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
   
4. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
   
5. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
6. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
7. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
8. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
9. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
10. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
11. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
12. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
13. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
14. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
15. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
16. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
17. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
18. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
19. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
20. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
21. Why are you, you?
22. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
23. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
24. What are you most grateful for?
25. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
26. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
27. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
28. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
29. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
30. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
31. If not now, then when?
32. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
33. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
34. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
35. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
36. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
37. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
38. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
39. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
40. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
41. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
42. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
43. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
44. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
45. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
46. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
47. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
48. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
49. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

A little advice from a friend

For the last little while I have been having issues finding my place in the world ( I haven't resolved these issues but I'm getting there) and i was feeling pretty emotionally drained from it all last night and texted someone dear to me and asked their advice. This is what they said (and frankly it hit it right on the head) :

"Sometimes I wonder if it's fair for our generation to carry the burdens that we do. We are expected to understand so much in so little amount of time. We are expected to know ourselves almost perfectly but yet we find ourselves searching our souls more than ever! We live in a society that demand a certain standard of living, and as such we demand it of ourselves. It's easy to be caught up in it all. "Life" seems to be work, school, and social demands. It's a sad commentary that we have placed so much emphasis on the superficial. Allow for a moment to look at yourself and say truthfully who you want to be, without worrying about paying bills or pleasing anyone but yourself. More often than not we come up with something contrary to what the world would expect, but with a little common sense, is that so bad?"

During this time that I was receiving these texts I was at the a rehearsal for a choir that will be singing in general conference this coming April. We were singing "I feel my Savior's love" let's just say it was definitely a struggle to keep my emotions in and at times I had to stop singing in fear of tears starting to fall. But I could feel that someone was watching out for me. Someone I have never seen, but he knows the feelings that I am having and he can see the full perspective when I am just paying attention to this one moment in my life that is pretty dang hard...but it's learning from the hard things that makes you a stronger person.
There is a song that I enjoy listening to and one line, I think, that a verse in there applies to me.

"I know it's hard a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith"

"Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand"

A stride for the short one

So last friday I auditioned for "once upon a mattress" at the Scera theater in Orem. I was asked to come back to callbacks that same night and was called back for Winifred (if you don't know the show that would be the lead) ...crazy huh? So I sang in there and was asked to come back on Monday for dance auditions and readthroughs. Well Monday came, the dance rehearsals came and went and then they had us read through and sit down. All was well. The next day I checked my email 20 times at least in the 4 hours of school i have, maybe it was close to 40. Because that is how we were to find out if we made it in or not. The email came promptly (but not quick enough) around 2pm, while I was sitting in the library doing math homework and facebook. haha. It was a no. It was one of those letters where they try to make you feel good about getting called back but really they could have done with out you. (kinda like my rejection letter from BYU, yea...that one hurt) but even though I am not able to this show I passed over a huge mountain for myself, personally. The people around me may not have seen a change, but I could feel one. For the first time in an audition, i had fun. I didn't care about the outcome. I just went in the there did my best and maybe my best wasn't good enough to get into the show, but hey! I made a stride in my confidence that I haven't been able to break in a long time. And it feels good, and now I know what to expect in the future, and what I am capable of. It's a nice feeling.

One another note, do you ever have those days where you just look around. Maybe at school, or work, or while you are walking somewhere and think to yourself, "Why am I doing this?". "really". Life in general. i'm having one of those days where I feel like i'm in dream that seems to have no real purpose, but just to go through the motions of everyday life. Does that make sense? I feel almost at a loss for words...or people are moving on...and i'm stuck standing in the same place i've been in for what seems like a lifetime. I guess i'm just scared to take a step forward into the unknown. I don't even know what that unknown is. I'm just lost and don't see the reasons for the things we do in life...right now. It seems so monotonous. Just doing the same things over and over. I don't feel like i'm progessing as a person. hmm.
I sometimes feel like I have lost tract or contact with friends, we get so caught in our lives and the silly things that we forget about the ones we really cared about. Sometimes I miss high school for one reason. I got to see my friends everyday. I took advantage of that big time. And now I yearn for it. I miss having a car, a job, and extracurricular activities. I guess i'm bored. There is no variation to my life right now. When is it going to change? When is the sun going to burst through this gloom and down-ness and pick me up and bring that Brianna I used to know out? I'm so unmotivated too, i need to get back on track with school work and just life. I'm not sure how to, Or where to begin. Maybe i'm just being an overreactive 20 year old girl.