Mom's lament

I'm sorry I've been pushing you away.
You're seeking attention from me and I act as if I don't have time for you, my son, my little one.
I keep thinking there are things are more important than you, that time is more important.
That's wrong, I'm wasting time, I'm losing time.

I am not being the best I can be; the best mom, the best wife, the best friend.
I look into your eyes and see nothing but pure love, why do I push that away or deem it unworthy of my time?

You're the best thing to have happened to me.
I need to bask and do the things you wish to do, even if I am tired, sad, depressed.

I'm missing out, wasting time. Precious time with you.

A Missed Opportunity

Everyone is having their babies.
I'm happy for them, I truly am
But there is a part of me that hurts
A place deep inside my person that is angry
Angry that my body didn't work, how it was made to work
Saddened that I will not be holding a new baby in June
Resentful of others who had no complications
Those who are blessed with their first baby I have no problem with
The ones where they are given a second, I hate   envy
I envy and I'm sorry I can't talk about the joy you are experiencing
I'm sorry that I can't spend hours truly asking about how you are
I'm not strong enough to do that yet
I'm not ready to completely let go of what could have been
I have a month and a half before the reality truly hits
The reality to have another child, we have to try for another
We have to take the risk of the possibility of something happening, again
That risk seems too great to conquer
Too tall to scale
So, for the time being it's a waiting game
Waiting for everyone to calm down about their joy and get into the flow of their lives
While I writhe in silent pain that sneaks up at the most inopportune times