Yesterday was the pits. Mr. M wasn't feeling well and was near having a panic attack, so we both decided it would be better for him to trying and sleep those feelings away. It did the trick, but my day was less than stellar.
I got a lot done. I was able to go to the store, get the necessities that we were missing and head back home. I really wanted to paint something, so I bought a canvas, never ended up painting but it sure made me feel better to buy it. I think that I have an impulse buying problem. It is fun to just buy something and then you regret it later...unless it's hot cheetos and you're hella glad you bought those suckers. I don't care if they are ripping out my intestinal lining, they are dang good.
Little Call has begun saying, "Oh gosh" while placing his hands on his face like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, whenever he does something "wrong"; intentionally or unintentionally. This kid is a riot, but I have to keep checking myself that I am not getting irritated over the small things merely because I am tired. I shouldn't be getting irritated at him for exploring the world. Sometimes it results in milk on the floor...but you know what, that is easily cleared up and it is an opportunity for us to teach him to clean up after is messes. Not that he does it EVERY TIME but neither do adults, so I think he is getting by quite well, in my humble opinion as his mother.
Resurfaced to yesterday. I spent a good 20 minutes recording myself on the phone (sometimes I believe that God is listening better if I am recording it on the phone), put my sunglasses on and just cried while waiting at the longest light in the city, doesn't help that it is only one lane with a light that stays green for 2.5 seconds letting in only 2-3 cars---if you're fast and willing to risk your life before the perpendicular light turns green. I cried. I cried about everything that popped up in my head. I cried about people who die before the average age. I cried over babies that don't make it a day in this life. I cried about the possibility of that being it. I cried over the possibility that my faith is merely a fabrication or a place holder for hoping-only hoping--that I do get to have my husband and children forever. That's what it promises. That is the whole plan of salvation that we teach, that families can be together forever through the sealing power of the Holy Ghost. What a lovely thought.
I heard a conference talk this morning by Dieter F. Uchtdorf that is called, "He will place you on his shoulders, and carry you home" that explained the moments where we don't know for sure if the lord is there, is anything is true, or if we really have the faith to know that what we are taught will come to pass. He says, " It requires a little faith. But do not despair. If you cannot muster faith right now, begin with hope.
If you cannot say you know God is there, you can hope that He is. You can desire to believe. That is enough to start.Then, acting on that hope, reach out to Heavenly Father. God will extend His love toward you, and His work of rescue and transformation will begin.Over time, you will recognize His hand in your life. You will feel His love. And the desire to walk in His light and follow His way will grow with every step of faith you take.
We call these steps of faith “obedience.”
I have hope that all will work out, even if right now it does not feel that way.
