Well, the feeling doesn't go away.

“I am sometimes disappointed, but I love my life ... and I must believe that the disappointments contribute something to what I love.” - Jan Denise

I didn't make Beauty and the Beast. Not even as a spoon, or a rug or anything. I got the email this morning and now I am kinda having a crumby day. Is that understandable or am I acting immature? If i'm acting immature than i'm sorry, but i need to rant out my feeling just a tad bit, so that I can feel better and move on with my life.
What did i do wrong?
Did i do anything right?
A month before this audition I had auditioned for another show at the Scera. The director, my friends' dad helped me after the auditioned by telling me what I could do better in future audtions.
Having a Character.
Be animated.
Have fun.
I didn't make it in the other show either.
Maybe, i'm not supposed to do theater. Maybe i am never what people are looking for. Maybe i'm better for a place, in a cubicle, for the rest of my life. Guess I better start looking. Sigh.
But, the thing is, everytime I audition for a show, everytime! they say, "you have such a beautiful voice", "you have improved SO much", "Why haven't I seen you here before?"
And then, a week later when the cast list comes out, i'm not on it...again.
If you don't think i have a chance of getting into the show, then TELL ME. Don't sugar coat it! I hate when people sugar coat things, I would much rather be told the truth then be dragged along slowly and painfully down the road of hope and dreams, and have them crushed at the end of the road with a piles of huge boulders of pain and disappointment.

But,

“I am sometimes disappointed, but I love my life ..."

I do, I do love my life. Last week in church was the first time I bore my testimony in the last three years, I was shaking like a bat, but I did it. I am finding and meeting new people in the scriptures, people i have heard about and "read" about in church, but now I am getting to know them.
In voice lesson, I am learning an Italian song.
It's hard.
But i love it, everytime i sing it.
I know I sing classically better than musical theater. I just envy the people that can do both (Erin). :) (love ya girl)

I guess this is a learning experience and maybe the Lord is telling me that I am not supposed to do theater, I'm not supposed to be on stage, i'm just supposed to stay in the back, behind a few more people, in a choir...
sigh.
hmmm

Well there you go.

"...and I must believe that the disappointments contribute something to what I love."

I love music
I just cant seem to express myself in it the right way.

Waaa HA!

Last night, I went to a hip-hop class.
It was SO freaking fun. Oh my goodness. I was having a blast and felt quite thuggish by the end of the class. It was an hour long but seriously felt only 10 minutes long.
I was pop and locking all over the place and felt so cool doing. I can't wait to go again!

Looking Back

For some reason when I start thinking about things and just have so much on my plate. I want to write, and sometimes it comes out as poetry(not very good poetry) and some times songs and short stories. But basically, this is my blah blah page. :)

Looking back from times that've past
Remembering what was, that didn't last
Something lost, that won't be found
Trying hard to forget and move round

Sincerely moved, from the concept
From day to day, and week to week
Time moves so slowly, and inches towards the end
How can we find, what were looking for
When were stuck in a muddle

Happiness
Sadness
Tears
and
Sorrow

All make the soul grow older

Yearning to be happy for someone around
Trying to fake that happy smile
To see that, with it
Turns the inside so cold
With no warmth around and no way to take hold

To be happy, when so miserable
Is a hard thing to do
How to break free from the muddle of drubble
The hi and hello
The goodbye and see ya later

"There is a fine line between a lover, and a friend
There's a fine line between reality and pretend"

One step at a time
One tear fallen down
One smile set aside
One last yearning for an honest goodbye
Say yes
Say No
Don't project what you think
Don't tell what you think
Just have the honesty to tell me it's done
It's over
It's through
And it's finished

It is finally happening!

I know that i already wrote today, and I am sure that only one person reads my blog. (Liesl, thanks!) But, that's beside the point.
I auditioned today for Beauty and the Beast at the Scera Shell in Orem.
*DRUM-M-M ROLL PLEASE*
And I made CALL BACKS!!! For the first time in 3 years I made callbacks for a show, it is finally happening, finally I get my foot into the door of theater. And be able to try for more shows in the future. I am slowly getting more comfortable with auditioning. So I'm getting there. Slowly but surely!
Call-backs are on Monday! I'll tell you how it goes after!

Daydreaming

I have come to the realization that I tend to fall out of the classroom. I forget where I am, and come into a whole different world. Where a teacher isn't lecturing me on what ethical values are most important in the world, but I am being instructed by a turn of the tide solider preparing me for what is up ahead. The darkness closing in around us with only one single candle to light our way. We make our way through the canopy covered forest, moving swiftly but carefully so as not to make a sound. In fear of waking the unknown creatures of the deep darkness. A blast of light from a shot above the canopy opens a hole in which I can see the blue sky, the clouds passing very slowly across. .. I find myself running for now apparent reason, just to make it to the end before time runs out. I have lost my companion but am approached by something new and different to me. I'm not sure how to describe the creature, except for the huge nose he has on what seems to be his face. But I see no eyes, no mouth and no features that would even remotely tell me it was human. Then i realize, it's a tree. A tree, with no life. But that of photosynthesis and dirt eating. The forest disappears from me, and feel my legs return to the hardness of the classroom seat, accompained by the cold touch of the metal. I had come out of my daydream as fast as i had entered it.
Oh, the mind of the bored, brings us to such child like terms. But makes my life worth living and keeps my mind energized and I can say I still have an imagination, even if I have to grow up. :)

Windsnesday? or Wednesday?

Today, I woke up.
I peered out the window to see---no sunshine---a wet walkway---and ducks.
The only happiness that flooded my mind at that precise moment was the oatmeal that I would begin to prepare in those solid, but crucial moments before school.
As i sulked out of bed I realized that I was shivering...in march. "How could this be happening"
I freaking heard a blue jay chriping the other day isn't that the universal sign that winter/rain/sadness is supposed to over/done/finished?
... I guess not.

One thought:
Utah=Bi-Polar Weather
Forcast for the Month of March
Monday - Sunny as heck
Tuesday - Blizzards with side of 2 inches of ice
Wednesdays - Rain...all day
Thrusday - Death to everything living
Friday - Hot, really HOT
Saturday - Dreary with a friendship of gloomy clouds rushing over
Sunday - All the weather mixed into one glorious sunny day and then pushed into the next week to start the "need of perscription" week.

Yay. for a place where we are continually surrounded by mountains, which apparently change our weather to whatever they please...not what the season seem to say.

Rain = Dreary
Sun = Shorts = Happiness (tan)
Snow(in march) = Depression

Now, not everything is bad about the weather....

But, Hot chocolate Cupcakes and 6 new goldfish are both VERY Good things~!