hey world!

Hey! Sorry about all the ranting and raving these last couple posts, i have just been trying to figure out life as we know it and surprisingly it has been a larger endeavor than I had ever imagined! But hey, everyone goes through large ups and very large downs. I know this from, well, personal experience. And clearly even though the tough times come around, there is always a silver lining, or star on the horizion, or greener grass on the other side. Whatever one applies to you, it will always come up. Maybe not in the time frame you would like it to, but when it does it hits hard with a force unimaginable until you feel it pounding at your door and you can't wait to open it, and when you finally get up the courage there is a weight released off your shoulders and you can breathe and look around and remember the beautiful things in life once more. Work hard in school again, continue making new acquaintances, and helping grow spiritually, physically and emotionally.

There is this quote that I found a little while back while working at work one day. Harriet Beecher Stowe said it and i'm pretty sure it is my favorite quote now. Along with 2 nephi 2 : 13 being my new favorite scripture.

" When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then for that is just the time and place that the tide with turn. "

My tide has turned for good :)

LOVE IT!

The contemplations which never end in a surety of the times before us

Have you ever wanted to take a step back in time and do something over or just have the oppotunity of trying again? Seeing how different life may be if you chose the other path.

Have you ever stared at a choice you were about to make and trying to figure out the outcome of your actions?

Does it really make a large difference to what happens in life on whether you choose an apple or banana that morning for breakfast, or just skip out on breakfast all together?

Once you make those decisions are they set in stone, never to be revisited? Do you just have to be happy or content with where you small and seemingly unimportant choices have led you?

That sounds like leaving life up to chance.

I thought that's not what you're supposed to do

But how do you grab hold of the rules of the game when you didn't even know they were there to change things around? Are we all just having to wait and make rash and quick decisions about the most important gift given to us. I hope not, but sometimes it feels that way.

Sometimes

there isn't enough time to think it through

think of about the positives

Negatives

and

possibilities

Sometimes life feels like a maze and I think mine is at a dead end at the moment and i'm not sure whether I should jump the wall or turn back around and find another route. But i don't know how to do that .

I don't know how to be impulsive and alone

I feed on human companionship. Whoa, that just sounds wierd. I thrive (that's a better word) on friends, boyfriends, not sure what friends, acquaintances, and just a nice person who smiles down the street. They make me happy, and strong and leave me with a sense of meaning and worth in this world.

But people get busy, or I just get paranoid and feel like if i haven't seen a certain person in a day or two then i'll go crazy but they are busy and have a life other than me in it. Bleh. They have friends and school and sports and just more of a life than me, at least now. And sometimes I feel that I drive them away...because they never want me around, am i that annoying? Shoot...maybe I am.

Anyway, some of these instances wanting to go back in time and start over. Not sending that stupid text or not saying that stupid thing or just being plain stupid or overbearing. Happen to me often including right now and this past week in general.

I need something to do in my life. I need ambition again and the drive to do something extrodinary. At least to me. So if anyone has any ideas for my brighter than now life, they would be greatly appreciated.

One Year Later

Today is September 8, 2009

One Year ago, one of the best ladies past away.

My Grandma.

She was one of my best friends and a friend to everyone. Someone who would always smile and be there when i wanted to talk about something. She was someone who always made me want to be better. And sometimes I forget that.

I miss her dearly, and want to live up to the things that I promised her a year ago. Which I haven't succeeded in doing this past year. I hope that she is doing as much good as she did on this earth up in heaven. Because that is definitely where she belongs. She is probably beating all the other angels at cloud shooting or just having the time of her afterlife with her dear James. Who has now been gone 12 years. Both are probably running the place up there. Haha.

Well, I hope that when/if my grandma looks down on me that she is proud of me. And I hope that she knows I love her and always will. And miss her.

Love you Grandma Joy

Is it ok...

Is it OK to feel sorry for myself?
Is it OK to mourn the loss of something great?
Is it OK to be hopeless and feel inadequate?
Is it OK to think you weren't supposed to do something but you did it anyway?
Is it OK to think you were doing the right things but it turns out it wasn't?
It is OK to keep going on about this and continuing to ask unanswered questions?

I feel like I have a gift...maybe it isn't what I thought.
Have I been using it the wrong way, because everything that try to use it in never comes out the way I was hoping.

I wonder if people lie to me...about my ability or lack there of. Do they just tell me what they think i want to hear...or do they actually believe what they are telling, but never give me a chance.

I feel
s
a
d

I feel embarrassed

I feel like it isn't worth
Trying anymore

...maybe i'm supposed to stay hidden...

Unnoticed
Unloved
Underestimated

Always to sit in sidelines and watch others do what I yearn and only dream to do. Is there ever a moment when my dreams will be able to become reality? Even for a moment, a second, a passing by thought... I would be OK with that.

I just want my shot

My Chance

My Opportunity

But I don't think i'm ever going to do be able to do that, because I can't embrace my fear and get over it.

And the only one who's fault that is,
Mine.

....and i can't change it.

Blessings

Just like the title says I'm writing about blessings, the kind you receive from a bishop, home teacher, father, or in my case Uncle.

Last night I wasn't feeling very well just about life in general and needed some insight from the Lord. And i'm working on making my prayers more meaningful and worth while but I needed something more substantial and concrete. So I asked my Uncle Eddie if he would be willing to give me a blessing.

First off, I have always loved blessings.
I just have never always been sure about them...

A reason why I do like them so much is when I was younger and would receive them, I would be extremely skeptical and would always be like, "well that's just my uncle saying blah blah blah..do do do ." you know? So one day I was having a very hard day in which I hadn't told anyone about. That evening I asked for a blessing from my Uncle and he didn't know specifics, but he knew that I was heartsick and having thoughts and questions that needed answered. It blew my mind away and from that moment on I gave a little more credit and faith in blessings.

Back to last night,
He gave me a blessing. I had told him that I wanted one for doing well in school and just life in general. I could not have asked for more in a blessing. And things that were said in the blessing I needed to hear and it just gave me that little boost that i have needed for awhile. One point in the blessing was that I needed to listen closely for answers to my prayers, that it wouldn't come in a hum drum/ singing choirs of angels way. I needed to have it quiet and listen intently....I know...but it gives me more reassurance that he knows im praying for answers, I just need to take time and listen for those answers.

I'm pretty positive that there is a heavenly father, who really listens when think we don't need him and when we do.

Julie and Julia

This afternoon I went to the movie Julie and Julia with my mom. It is two true stories put into one adorable movie full of laughter, heartache and lots of food! I had no expectations when going into the movie and because of that was greeted by one of the cutest movies I have seen in a long time.

One story was ms. Julia Child. ---yes, the chef from so many years ago and the story behind her love of food and how she became a chef.

Second story was about a ms. Julie Philips. Who decided one day to cook her way through Julia Child's cookbook in 365 days and write a blog about her adventures during this adventure of hers.

Throughout the movie the scenes would jump back and forth between the two women and and how food was changing their lives one day at a time. And by the end of the movie my mouth was watering immensely. So i decided that I wanted to make some beef stew with my mother afterwards and a few hours late (2 to be precise) we had concocted an amazing stew sensation that I could stop eating. Now that my stomach is full I can go on with life and wish to some day own Julia Child's french cooking cookbook and make all those amazing food items that Julie Philip did. I think that would be quite an adventure.

So another thing after I was done with the movie I realized how much i love food. Especially when i try making something outside of the recipe and it actually turns out to be pretty darn good! And then i'm happy with myself but after that point I really can never make it again.. (just like the spagetti sauce Logan....) I'm no Julia Child, but hey I love food, I love butter, and I love the savory tasteful dishes that have been thought of by amazing chefs who love food!

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Oh, right!

My brother was visiting for the last week or so and we had a blast! We went to the aquarium up in Sandy like the post below this one, showing pictures. And I touched the sting ray again and didn't quite freak out as much as the previous time. I was pretty proud of myself. And I even touched some other weird things...somethings I didn't even know what they were. We always went to Seven peaks in which my brother got fried! And I did not, because I know how to use sunscreen and he thinks he is too tough for that and the sun wouldn't burn him...well as we can see it happened ( well you can't really see cause i sadly did get a picture, but i'm sure you can imagine...) Imagine a overcooked piece of bacon ...that was the condition of my brothers skin after the day was over...i couldn't help myself from laughing sadly. Poor guy.. *chuckle...snicker*

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Over the next few weeks I am opening at Curves everyday all by myself. ... It is a bit stressful but I got it under control. I was late yesterday - monday morning - and felt really bad about it. So its not going to happen again, but the extra money that I'm going to get from the extra hours will be oober helpful when the first and lasts month rent is due for the new year. So it will be a nice little boost! yay