Haven't written in months, seems like years. The tapping of the keys is a friendly reminder that I can write whatever comes to my mind without a second thought. That's the thing about the internet, most of the things posted, written, or spoken of don't matter. They don't matter to you and they don't matter to me. Even me writing this post write now won't apply to anyone but me. It's an online journal, that's all it is.
I wish I was able to put on the facade of saying "everything's ok." "I'm doing fine" ...when I feel anything but that.
I'm tired.
I'm stressed.
But it's just a void that comes and goes. There's no way to describe it. Somedays I'm fine and others I'm not.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
1st Day Fitness
I finished my first 33:00 workout. My body is tired but my mind is invigorated. There is a new Brianna in town and she ain't messing around.
This is the workout I completed
This is the workout I completed
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
There are people in the world that have it so much harder than I do.
I certainly am not as grateful as I should be when it comes to the blessing I have been given.
There are no real physical ailments that my family has to deal with.
My husband is healthy, my baby is healthy, and I am healthy.
I forget how much I have been given and how much time I waste wishing for my life to be different.
Why?
Why am I not content in the life I have been given, where there is so much good in it? Why am I constantly wishing for the next best thing, or the shoulda, coulda, woulda?
I have so much, I have been given so much.
I certainly am not as grateful as I should be when it comes to the blessing I have been given.
There are no real physical ailments that my family has to deal with.
My husband is healthy, my baby is healthy, and I am healthy.
I forget how much I have been given and how much time I waste wishing for my life to be different.
Why?
Why am I not content in the life I have been given, where there is so much good in it? Why am I constantly wishing for the next best thing, or the shoulda, coulda, woulda?
I have so much, I have been given so much.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Education
Education is one thing, teaching is another.
I have been taught how to be a teacher but teaching itself is a whole other story.
I have been at the teaching gig for almost a month now and let me tell you: it is hard, it is draining, and it is time consuming.
Why is it hard? There are consistent changing lesson plans that need to be made a week in advance. There are children with varying levels of ability that you must differentiate for. There are children with behavior issues that parent contact must come in and necessary changes be made, for the betterment of the child. There are parents, administration, peers, and IA's to impress. There are evaluations to be ready for that determine your salary increase---or decrease. There are days that you are so exhausted that you come home with what feels like an ulcer in your side and sleep from the afternoon to early morning. There are days that you dread going back because you don't feel quite as prepared as you think you should be. There are times that you cry at your desk because you have never felt so alone in your life and wonder if any other career would be this hard.
Why is it draining? Spending 8 hours with 25 4-5 year olds---think about it.
Why is it time consuming? You are constantly worried about your lesson plans---are they good enough? do they push the envelope? do they help these kids think deeper thoughts or are they garbage to them? Can they see that I am still finding my way through this? You are constantly thinking about the kids that PUSH you and strike your nerve just because of how they are. They are little, they are learning. The amount of patience that goes into this job is amazing, as well as undeniable.
Truthfully, It's hard.
I have been taught how to be a teacher but teaching itself is a whole other story.
I have been at the teaching gig for almost a month now and let me tell you: it is hard, it is draining, and it is time consuming.
Why is it hard? There are consistent changing lesson plans that need to be made a week in advance. There are children with varying levels of ability that you must differentiate for. There are children with behavior issues that parent contact must come in and necessary changes be made, for the betterment of the child. There are parents, administration, peers, and IA's to impress. There are evaluations to be ready for that determine your salary increase---or decrease. There are days that you are so exhausted that you come home with what feels like an ulcer in your side and sleep from the afternoon to early morning. There are days that you dread going back because you don't feel quite as prepared as you think you should be. There are times that you cry at your desk because you have never felt so alone in your life and wonder if any other career would be this hard.
Why is it draining? Spending 8 hours with 25 4-5 year olds---think about it.
Why is it time consuming? You are constantly worried about your lesson plans---are they good enough? do they push the envelope? do they help these kids think deeper thoughts or are they garbage to them? Can they see that I am still finding my way through this? You are constantly thinking about the kids that PUSH you and strike your nerve just because of how they are. They are little, they are learning. The amount of patience that goes into this job is amazing, as well as undeniable.
Truthfully, It's hard.
Monday, January 20, 2014
My Mantra
My wonderful husband said this quote to me during a breakdown I had before starting my student teaching two weeks ago.
I was afraid, I was doubtful, and I was unsure about my ability to do well in this 11 week long experience.
He told me to just focus on the now. What did I need to do now in this moment of my life.
Taking each day at a time, each hour as it passes, and each lesson as I teach it, has calmed my nerves to the point where I am still afraid and intimidated as I drive to school, but I am happy and feel confident by the end of the day.
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