Don't mean to dwell but ...

this is the story of my life...

And if you're visual HERE are the lyrics:

I wonder if you think of me, whenever I think of you.

Think about the times we had, the things we used to do.

I know we had out down times, but boy we had our highs.

I never realized how much I cared, I hope you know I never lied.

I took the time we had and didn't cherish it as I should,

I now live with the regret for letting you down, and losing you for good.

I now often wonder about the future and what it will hold.

For once upon a time with you I thought I would grow old.

Times have changed, only memories left to sustain what could have been.

I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused you, i'm sorry we didn't win.

We had the chance to reach the moon and fly on towards the sun,

Although difficult times being long and hard put a hold onto our song.

I hope that days may once again be filled with that light.

Am I holding onto an empty dream, accompanied with tears?

I'm afraid that everything that is progressing will only cement my fears

I'm unsure if these words will ever find your eyes, mind, or heart

Having said that...

I always loved you...even though I didn't show it, from the very start.

Songs can sometimes portray what is felt better than your own words...

Maybe I'm a dreamer

Maybe I'm misunderstood

Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should

Maybe I'm crazy

(Maybe I'm crazy)

Maybe I'm the only one

(Maybe I'm the only one)

Maybe I'm just out of touch

Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change

And leave it all behind

I've never been one to walk alone

I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong

To reach for something more

To wanna live a better life

What am I waiting for?

'Cause nothing stays the same

Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless

(Maybe it's hopeless)

Maybe I should just give up

(Maybe I should just give up)

What if I can't trust myself?

What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change

And leave it all behind

I've never been one to walk alone

I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong

To reach for something more

To wanna live a better life

What am I waiting for?

'Cause nothing stays the same

Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change

And leave it all behind

I've never been one to walk alone

I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change

And leave it all behind

I've never been one to walk alone

I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong

To reach for something more

To wanna live a better life

What am I waiting for?

'Cause nothing stays the same

Maybe it's time to change

'Cause nothing stays the same

Maybe it's time to change

***After you've lost everything, maybe IT IS time to change...

I'm so heartsick. I can't seem to catch a breath fast enough before the tears come back.

I hurt inside.

I hurt because I know I messed something amazing up and I don't know if I will get it back. I hurt because I lost it because of who I am, where I am in life. Who I am not. I wasn't trying, I wasn't putting forth the effort that was needed.. so therefore, why should I get the prize? I haven't worked and now that I've lost it I want to work hard and I am working hard, but it doesn't mean i'm going to get it back.

"What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

I'm falling to pieces"

I know I have to figure things out on my own... still doesn't make it hurt any less.

Happiness: LDC: Latter-day Celebration

There is this choir at the institute of religion in Orem, Utah.

A choir that many want to be apart of.
Including myself.

Last year I tried out for this choir...
No go.
Nada.
No entry.
Turn back now.
(It was a sad day)

Now, 365 days later (approx.)
I tried out again
I walked up those looming steps
Stepped onto the X and...
was asked to talk to those around me for the choir director needed to get up and walk.
I talked and met Jessica and John.
We talked about driving outside, hiking, and backpacking in the outdoors
10 minutes later.
The director came back. Sat down.
I was invited to start singing.
I started to sing.
Singing, "How could I ever know" from the Secret Garden.
(I love this song)
(I had the opportunity to sing it as a duet in high school, with a guy I liked/like)
(I may be bias, but I thought it kicked butt)
I thought hard to remember the words.
I was shaking like a leaf.
Hands sweating but eyes fixed on the prize.
Messed up on a phrase, but it didn't phase.
I sang with all my heart.
I sang through the shaking, through the sweaty hands, and through the doubt.
I put feeling into the song.
I sang like I used to.
I love music.
I ended and was told that it was sung beautifully.
I walked to my seat.
Adrenaline pulsing through my veins.
I felt good about the audition.
I felt accomplished.
(That in itself was a good feeling)

Next day: List goes up
Morning time schooling
List goes up at noon
Devotional at noon
Looking at list at 1
Couldn't wait while in the devotional,so I excused myself to go look at the list.
I walked slowly towards the door.
I first tried to find my cousin's name on the sheet.
I Found it! Yay, she got in!
Next, I slowly scan from the bottom up and land on 13 letters.
13 glorious letters
Written in the same black ink as the rest of the page.
B-r-i-a-n-n-a--P-e-t-t-i-t
I had gotten in.
I had gotten in..
Oh my goodness!
I had gotten in!!!
My heart flooded with joy and happiness that I haven't felt in awhile
I couldn't stop smiling
My heart swelling with complete bliss.
I was going to be in a magnificent choir.
A choir where every individual is a missionary for the lord, through music.
What could be better?
(Very few things in this world)

I'm on an emotional high
and
I'm not quite sure when i'll be coming down.

Sunsets

(Not the sunset I saw)

For the past little while I have made an effort to get my butt down to the provo temple on sundays to read. I grab my blanket, ensign, scriptures, writing utensils, and find a spot of ground right within the temple grounds. I sometimes sit right in front of the temple on the grass but last night I ended up without a blanket and on a bench. I was reading the ensign and had a visitor, a certain boy, come and enjoy the sights with me.

We were talking mostly about his mission and such when I looked up towards the temple and saw this amazing display of the deepest, darkest blue I ever seen. I suddenly realized that the sunset had started and as I glanced to my left I see a flooding of gorgeous pinks and oranges in the sky. All intertwining within the delicately placed clouds, which resembled newly whipped meringue for lemon pie. I directed my eye farther across the sky to the northwest and saw a layered canopy of color. Starting with a luscious golden yellow down to the lightest blue, almost resembling the color of the blue sugar coated peeps you get at easter time. More towards the west was the dark, dark purple, almost black, circling about teasing its audience with a threatening thunder every now and then. And circling back around again to the deep blue that almost looked cartoonish. The colors that filled the sky last night, I have NEVER seen in a sunset, at least all at the same time.

I'm starting to think that was one of God's little tender mercies to help us, or namely me, remember that there is beauty all around. We just need to notice it more often, instead of taking so much of it for granted.